TheBanyanTree: Companioned

[Margaret R. Kramer]

This is the poem I read to Ray when I visited him at the cemetery on the
third anniversary of his death, 2/25/11.  It’s from a poetry anthology, The
Wind Blows, The Ice Breaks:  Poems of Loss and Renewal by Minnesota Poets.
Edited by Ted Bowman and Elizabeth Bourque Johnson.

Companioned
By Betty Bridgman

We climbed across the crusted field
and broke a thin drift on the hill.
Over whatever fences reeled
by wood or road we went, and still

only a little tired – a mile
of Winter is worth five of Fall,
but with your hand at every stile
I could not think it hard at all –

so long as I could cheerfully
look ahead, above, below –
but not behind me, lest I see
only two footprints in the snow. 

The sun was shining when I drove to Fort Snelling National Cemetery
yesterday afternoon, but the damage from our winter storm last weekend was
done.  The snow piles were back, the gravestones were again buried in
drifted snow, only now, this late in winter, there were no green Christmas
wreaths with red bows to break the monotony of white, white, white.

Fortunately, Ray’s grave is only five graves in from the path the
maintenance people plow and use to bring in and out their equipment.  I
easily walked up the path, but there were no foot paths to the graves, so I
had to blaze my own trail.

Some snow was so hard, I didn’t sink in, and then when I felt too confident,
I sunk six inches into the snow with the next step.  Somehow, I managed to
get to Ray’s grave without breaking a limb and left him  black roses and
read him the little poem.

It was cold, in spite of the sun, and a gentle wind made it feel much
colder.  But Ray and I were together, just for a moment, before the spell
was broken and I turned to slog back through the snow.

Three years.  I still have occasional “griefbursts,” where I weep
uncontrollably for a few minutes.  But they occur much less frequently.  I
rarely cry in the bathroom anymore when I’m at work.  I’m lonely, but I’m
not as afraid of being alone like I was when Ray first died.  

I envy all married couples.  I hate them.  They’re so lucky having each
other, while I struggle alone.  I hate their good times together, their
intimacies, their dependence on each other, their relationship.

A boyfriend is not a husband.  Joe is not Ray.

A widow is not a good thing to be.  I don’t like it, I hate it, but what can
I do?  I just wait until it’s my turn to leave.

Today was one of those weird days, when it just seemed like it was skewed or
something. I was going to go to Quincy’s basketball game, but I forgot my
phone, which set in place a series of weird events.

The game was at 9:00 am.  I got the recreation center, which was already
packed and parked on the street.  I walked through three gyms, but couldn’t
find Quincy’s team.  Because I didn’t have my phone, I couldn’t call Asher
or Susan.

I went back to my car, and while another car was waiting to take my precious
parking space, went home.  I called Susan and she told me that they were in
fourth gym, the one downstairs, which I forgot about, because they hadn’t
played there this year.

I decided not to go back, because it would take 10 minutes to get there,
find a precious parking space, and by that time, the game would be over.

Instead, I vacuumed upstairs and swept the kitchen.  Then I got dressed to
go for a walk.

Before I left, I noticed my neighbor skittering up and down the driveway
next door.  I wondered if maybe one of their dogs might have gotten away.
They have a yorkie and shih tzu.

He came up to me before I left and explained that the shih tzu was missing.
His name is Ace.  We’ve had light snow today, and thinking the dog might
have run away this morning, I asked if he could follow the tracks.

No, it turns out they forgot to let the dog in last night, so the poor dog
had been outside in below zero temps all night and into the morning.  They
do not have a fence around the yard, so the dog probably took off looking
for somewhere warm.  Do you think that little dog is still alive?

I’m hoping someone came by and took the dog home.  I asked about tags, and
of course, the dog didn’t wear any.  Axel and Shadow have their rabies tags,
which if someone called the vet, the dogs’ owner (me) could be identified,
and their dog license tags, which if they call animal control, the dogs
could be identified.

He said they were looking for found dogs on craigslist.  I told him to put a
listing on craigslist, too, and call animal control as well.

Oh, boy, do you think if the dog is alive, that they deserve to get the dog
back?

They are good dog owners.  The dogs are well taken care of and obviously
loved.  It was a mistake.  Sometimes I forget if Shadow or Axel is outside
if I get busy or distracted.  Axel barks to come in, but Shadow doesn’t.

But at the same time, I know they were out last night.  Friday night is
their big drinking night.  Well, all their nights are big drinking nights,
but on Fridays, they go a little haywire with it.  I would bet they were too
smashed to realize they left one of the dogs outside in bone chilling temps.

Then Susan told me Asher’s new girlfriend went back to her old boyfriend
while Asher was in Costa Rica.  I haven’t talked to Asher about it – I’ll
let it settle a bit for him or wait for him to tell me, which usually works
best, but I’m sure Asher is not feeling that great right now.

The last weird thing of the morning was that a hook in my closet where I
hang my skirts and dress pants had broken and those clothes were on the
floor.  I hung them in my storage room and took the broken hook off of the
door.  I guess that’s not so weird, but it seemed to fit in with off-center
Saturday morning.

I managed to dig out of the big snowstorm from last weekend.  The official
snow amount was 13.3 inches.  I snowblowed and shoveled three times – once
on Sunday night, then once before I went to work in the morning, and finally
when I came home from work.

The snow piles are higher than they were, and I say a little prayer, hoping
as I pull out of the driveway, I don’t slam into anyone.

We’ve had light snow today, the pretty snow without any wind, although it’s
very chilly, currently 7 degrees above zero Fahrenheit.  Our winter is never
going to end.

I did go for a walk around Como Lake.  There were just a few runners going
around the lake and me.  It was absolutely beautiful and quiet.  It was a
good walk to gather thoughts and try not to slip on the ice that was hidden
under the new fluffy snow.

Somehow, that walk shook off the weirdness of the morning, and the rest of
the day has been a typical Saturday.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
www.linkedin.com/in/margaretkramer

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach.      
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning