TheBanyanTree: My in-laws amuse me

[Monique Colver]

My in-laws are in Hawaii at the moment. They do this once or twice a year,
usually sneaking away without telling anyone because they don't want their
daughter to know they went. It's to spare her feelings, they say, though
it's really so she won't demand they take her and her husband along. She's
entitled that way. She married four years ago, at 17, but still thinks it's
her parents' responsibility to provide her transportation, restaurant meals,
vacations, clothing, and whatever else her little heart desires.

They sneak away, but we usually catch them at it, this time because Andrew
wanted to wish his younger brother happy birthday. He just turned 14. When
no one answered at home, he tried their cell phones, and there they were,
the three of them, in Hawaii.

The brother is refusing to go to the beach and is being a 14 year old --
recalcitrant, grumpy, and annoyed at his parents for being . . . well,
them.

We told them to enjoy the rest of their trip, which is just another two
days. My mother-in-law was very sad because they could go for only a week
this time. A week really isn't enough time, after all, is it? She would
prefer a month. Every six months. She really needed this vacation, she said,
because she's so tired of . . . social obligations. She hates social
obligations, and she's surrounded by them. Lunch with her friends. Parties
with her friends. Her life is one never-ending social obligation and without
her vacations she'd go stark raving mad.

An argument could be made she's already reached that point.

An hour after talking to them they called back. They were waiting for a seat
at the Cheesecake Factory and wanted to know what we recommended. They've
been to the Cheesecake Factory. Not in Alaska, of course, which is where
they live, but every time they escape Alaska, which is fairly often. Several
months ago, in Denver, they went to one. But they needed help deciphering
the menu. It's so big, you see, with so many choices.

And they'd been drinking.

While Dad kept asking questions Mom could be heard in the background,
saying, "Ask Andrew what I like," as if Andrew has cheat sheets of his
mother's favorite foods. Several times Dad handed the phone to Mom, and then
the conversation went like this: "Andrew, I can't hear you!" with Andrew
responding louder and louder until at last, in frustration, Honey the wonder
dog stomped out of the room and went upstairs. Then Dad got the phone back
and asked Andrew what he recommended. Again. And if the steaks were good.
Have you ever seen a Cheesecake Factory menu? It's not exactly short, and
Dad wanted to cover most of it.

She never did hear Andrew. At last he told them to have fun, and they signed
off.

Fifteen minutes later the phone rang again. They'd been seated and had a
menu in their hot little hands, and wanted to know what they should have for
an appetizer.

It's as if these well-traveled people have never sat themselves down in a
restaurant and ordered off a menu before. Andrew made suggestions which were
then swept aside with, "We had that last time," or, "I think we had that
before," and then they would ask about something else on the menu. Again,
Mom couldn't hear, so all information was relayed through Dad. Merits of
various items were discussed, some in length, and then the main courses were
discussed. "Is the rib eye good?" Dad would ask, and Andrew would say, "I
always like a good rib eye," having no particular knowledge of the
Cheesecake Factory's rib eye. "How about filet?"

"Filet's good," Andrew would say, and then his Mom would say, yelling from
the background, "Is the Louisiana Chicken Pasta spicy?"

"Yes, it sort of is."

"What about the chicken . . . "

Whatever. Five or ten pasta dishes were discussed. Apparently they're under
the impression that we're experts, that we eat all our meals at the
Cheesecake Factory and have in-depth knowledge of every item.

Finally Andrew said, "It's all good."

They signed off again, apparently ready to make a few decisions on their
own.

So now we sit here and think of going to bed. We're taking the phone though,
because they haven't gotten to dessert yet, and there's sure to be some
discussion required of the merits of various cheesecakes.

They are amusing. I'm thinking they should drink more often.



-- 
Monique Colver
Colver Business Solutions
monique at colverbusinesssolutions.com
www.colverbusinesssolutions.com
(425) 772-6218