TheBanyanTree: Starting Over

[Margaret R. Kramer]

I made it through Ray’s birthday last week.  I still have my moments of
total despair where I wail like a wounded animal, but they’re few and far
between.  I still have my moments of intense loneliness, but they don’t have
too often anymore.  

What I want to do is slip back in time when I happen to stumble over a
memory and relive it in its entirety instead of groping and trying to
remember what really happened.  I want to go back in time sometimes and just
relive the same 10 years over and over again.

Well, we can skip the death part that comes at the end of those 10 years.
Let’s just say Ray got better instead of dying and then we’ll rewind the
tape and start all over again.  Wouldn’t that be nice?

I miss Ray so much, but it’s just not as intense.  I’m getting used to life
without him.  It’s not a better life, it’s a life.  I could leave it now and
not miss a thing or regret it.  

I put a card in memoriam in the paper for Ray.  It was a nice day, so I
spent extra time at the cemetery with him.  He was there.  He knows about my
job loss.  And he’s behind me, supporting me.

Our summer which started in September finally ended last week with cooler
temperatures and lots of rain.  We didn’t have a frost, but I pulled my
delicate houseplants which summer outside in the house.  We got an inch and
a half of rain in my cobwebbed rain gauge.  I need to cut the grass, but
it’s been too wet to do so, but I’ll have some free time coming up, so I’ll
get it done.

I’m still going to work, but I don’t have to work to do, so I search for
jobs.  I feel like a whirling dervish, with no direction and spinning out of
control, but I’m gradually putting things together.

I got my resume out there on monster and careerbuilder.  I searched through
the internet for any job which matches my skillset.  I updated my profile on
linkedin.  I revamped my resume and cover letter 500 times.

Thursday was a magic day.  I got a call to complete my profile at a company
that I applied to.  Then I got a call from the hiring manager, so I have a
real live interview set up for Tuesday.  I’m going to spend tomorrow
preparing for it – you know, “Tell me about yourself.”  “What is your
strength?”  “What is your weakness?”  “What is your best accomplishment?”
etc.  I got to brush up on some technical stuff, too.  Then hope and hope
and hope.

I also have two interviews with technical consulting companies.  One is
face-to-face interview and the other is a phone interview.

I got my calendar all up-to-date.  I’m trying to organize my thoughts.  I’m
trying to think positive.  

Being RIFed is like a blow to the ego.  Why wasn’t I good enough to keep?
Are my job skills weak?  Lots of thoughts of doubt flow through my head.

I was propelled into the past this weekend, not in a Ray way, but more like
a mother way.  My son had to work, so I was in charge of picking up the kids
from school and getting them to football practice on Friday.  Someone was
supposed to give them a ride home from practice, but Quincy didn’t check in
with them, so he ended up calling me, and fortunately, I was able to give
them a ride home.

I forgot how boring kids football can be.  Oh, it’s interesting if you’re a
parent and have an investment in watching it, but as a distant grandmother,
it’s really boring, and it’s nice the boys do well, but I don’t live or die
by it.

On Saturday, I had to drop both the boys off at their recreation center, and
then take Quincy to his game.  Ashlin’s game was at the same time, but that
friend was going to take him, and then his mother would pick him up.  We got
that straight this time around.

It was raining a bit, it was cold, but I remembered how to dress.  I wore
long underwear, mittens, hat, scarf, two pairs of socks, and my long winter
coat.  I didn’t get too cold.  I watched the game and didn’t space out too
much.  Quincy, on defense, had a bunch of good tackles.  His team won on a
last second touchdown.

If was a parent, I would have been ecstatic, but as a grandparent, I was
just glad the game was over.

I took Quincy out to lunch at his favorite place, a Vietnamese restaurant,
where he had a warm bowl of pho, and I had lo mein.  It was nice to spend
time alone with him, as we rarely are alone anymore.

And that’s the part that reminded me of being a mom.  The football,
digesting the game, and then lunch.

I liked being a mom, but so much of what I enjoyed doing on a personal level
was put on hold to be a mom.  I liked it much better when Asher grew up and
I could enjoy him at a distance.

So this weekend, a lot of my personal things were put on hold to be a mom.
I just don’t think I could do that again.  When I think back on my life,
motherhood is not the high point.

The Twins won their game, the Tigers won their game, so there will be a
championship determining game on Tuesday in the Metrodome.  One last
baseball game in the go ol’ Dome before we start over with outdoor baseball
next year.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com
www.polarispublications.com

October gave a party;
The leaves by hundreds came -
The Chestnuts, Oaks, and Maples,
And leaves of every name.
The Sunshine spread a carpet,
And everything was grand,
Miss Weather led the dancing,
Professor Wind the band. 
-George Cooper