TheBanyanTree: Just Shoot Me

[Margaret R. Kramer]

This is what I wrote three years ago:

It's here! Our day at last! It's difficult to believe that 8.5 years ago Ray
moved here and it's been smooth sailing ever since. I don't think our
marriage will change that. It's funny not to have a big deal for it, but I'm
glad. It will be so easy just to leave work, change clothes at home, and
then meet downtown, do the deed, and then go out for dinner. I'm feeling
very happy. It's like my life has come full circle.

On November 9, 2006, I married my best friend.  I was such a lucky girl that
he fell in love with me.  I can’t tell you how many ways he enriched my
life.  He taught me so much about courage, determination, not being afraid
to learn new things, not being to take on new challenges, and of course, he
taught me what true love really is.  Every day I had with him was a joy.
And I’d give anything if I could just have a few seconds with him again.

We only had one anniversary together.  And he wrote on my card, “One year
down.  Only 24 more to go.”  He was going to live until he was 100.  Oh, I
wish that it would have been so.  I miss him so much.

I visited him at the cemetery today.  I brought some new flowers.  I sat in
the grass, because it was an absolutely gorgeous day, and I wanted to spend
some time with him.

Sometimes I leave him coins.  And I pile them on top of his tombstone.  When
I got up, I noticed a penny had fallen behind the stone.  I reached out to
put it back up on top, and it disappeared in my hand.  I’m not joking; I’m
not making it up.  It truly did vanish.  I knew Ray was playing a joke on
me.  That trickster!

The other strange incident today was in the flowers.  I put a Yellowstone
pin in the flowers when I came back from my trip in August.   I removed
those flowers from his grave today.  I saw the pin when I put the flowers in
the trunk, but I went to pull the pin out of the flowers, I couldn’t find
it.  It was fastened very tightly on one of the leaves, and it had been
attached to the flowers since August, so I knew it was tight.  I think Ray
wanted to take what was his, and also to let me know that he was there, with
me, even when I can’t feel him at all.

There was an article in the paper today about being out of work for a long
time, http://www.twincities.com/business/ci_13731749.  A guy, who is 58
years old and was laid off from his nurse’s aide job of 32 years, was quoted
as they might as well have just shot me.

That’s the way I felt when I was told I was let go.  Just take me out to the
pasture and shoot me.  I knew the job search would suck in this economy.
The article stated that job searchers have to be incredibly aggressive and
not just answer ads and hope someone calls them in for an interview.

And that’s true.  I probably spend more time trying to network with people,
either through email, phone calls, or social networking, than I do applying
for jobs directly.  And I’m not aggressive by nature, but my house payment
is on the line, so I have to be someone that I’m not.

Just shoot me.

Joe and I went downtown St Paul this afternoon for coffee.  We sat by the
river.  We were lucky enough to see a bald eagle soaring above the water.

Just shoot me, but leave the eagle alone.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com
www.polarispublications.com
www.linkedin.com/in/margaretkramer

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are
conscious of our treasures. 
-Thornton Wilder