TheBanyanTree: Rhubarb

[Margaret R. Kramer]

4/20/07
Hi love "
I am GO to come home for two weeks,I have to come back on the24th for some
tests@ 1:30, between now and then the thoracic surgeons confer .Then i come
back to have the pick line flushed on the 27th.
  So I WILL GO HOME WITH YOU TONIGHT.I got a lot of stuff coming with me
,why don't you bring a suit case to put the stuff in?
 Love you see you when you get here!
 
 LOVE 
Ray


Ever since I went up north a couple of weeks ago and went to those places
that were so dear to Ray and me, I’ve been feeling better.  Oh, I’m still
the grieving widow, but not grieving so much.  Missing might be a better
word.  I miss Ray.  But I’m not so overwhelmed about that missing.  It’s
difficult to explain.  

I feel like I’ve been gradually waking up these past couple of months.  I’m
kind of back to the same person I was before Ray died, but I’m different,
too.  I have a better idea of who I am and I’m not spending so much time
being a zombie.

I still miss Ray a lot.  But it’s like I decided that I’m not going to cry
about it anymore.  For example, I bought a new trimmer a couple of weeks
ago.  Of course, I had to put some of it together.  That’s a major challenge
for me, because my brain and fingers do not work together on projects like
that.  It’s trial and error and trial and error until I finally give up or
finally get it!  That’s when I wish Ray was at my side so I could ask him
questions about what I’m doing.  No, I’m left to bumble along by myself.

I got the stupid trimmer together and then the little string which cuts the
grass wouldn’t go through the hole.  I spent a lot of minutes trying to
figure that one out.  I think I got it right now.  But I’ll find out for
sure next time I use the trimmer.  But, the important thing was today that I
didn’t cry and wish for Ray.  I kept right on working through it until I got
to a solution. 

Why can I cook and garden and do things on the computer, but I can’t for the
life of me do anything that requires tools?  I get so frustrated.

I didn’t go to my second job this week.  I had to back up TWO people who on
vacation at my regular job, plus do my own work, so I called my survey job
and said I wouldn’t be in all week.  They haven’t called me and fired me
yet, so that’s something.  

My first job is so unpredictable that I didn’t want to have the stress of
trying to get out of there at a certain time.  The minute I made the call, I
felt a lot a better.  So even though I worked late all week, it sure felt
good to work just one job, instead of two.  Unfortunately, I’m salaried, so
I don’t paid for working lots of hours.

But during this week, I also rediscovered my lost self.  I was able to walk
the dogs.  I was able to spend time in the garden.  I was able to watch
baseball games and the basketball playoffs.  I was able to read.  I was able
to get a normal amount of sleep.  I get in my workouts.

Today is a little coolish, but I got right out in the yard this morning and
did the trimming.  I weeded my garden beds.  I staked up the tomato plants.
I gave my rose bushes some food and sprayed for bugs.  I harvested the
rhubarb.  I baked rhubarb custard bars.  Don’t they sound good?

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com
www.polarispublications.com

Gone - flitted away,
Taken the stars from the night and the sun
>From the day!
Gone, and a cloud in my heart. 
-Alfred Tennyson