TheBanyanTree: Be Human

[Margaret R. Kramer]

10/25/05
Hi Love:
   I went to SSA. today and they said that in no way could they touch my SS.
I found out that she is getting $XXX----------------plus my $XXX that give
her more than I get from SS. She is getting the max allowed. I called the
store about the electric and they made an appointment for tom ,at !:30    
then there is a message on the line that I could not hear it all. I will
call him back tom.
   FROST ON MY CAR THIS MORNING!! 
Ray    
 Love you and want you home!!

Little more than a year after losing Ray, I can feel joy.  It’s like the joy
that I used to feel when he was alive.  Not a watered down version of joy,
not a hazy joy, but real crystal clear joy.

I decided to go for a twilight walk around Como Lake after dinner last
night.  I used to walk in the twilight in the weeks after Ray died, but with
second jobs, a high maintenance boyfriend, and live-in grandsons, well, it’s
difficult to find the time.

But I had time yesterday.  I grabbed Shadow and off we went.  The weather
was beautiful – we had highs in the 60s, there was very little wind, and
everything was laid out perfectly for that first warm weekend night of
spring.

By the time I got to the lake, the street lights were on and it was getting
dark fast.  Shadow and I joined the parade of people who were also
celebrating that first spring Saturday night.  The ice was still pretty
thick in the middle of the lake, but nesting geese and ducks were finding
homes in the water along shore.  The lights were reflecting off of the lake
and I could see the first evening stars popping out in the dark sky.

And I felt joy.

I’m gradually regaining my place back in the human race.

And speaking of human races – I did the Human Race this morning.  It was
nice today, but not as nice as Saturday.  It was very windy.  I guess the is
in advance of the rain storms were supposed to get next week.

I did OK, since I don’t run outside and I don’t work out as often as I used
to.  I walked half of the course and ran the rest.  There were some heavy
women behind me, in fact, they were last.  Then I looked ahead a few minutes
later and they were in front of me.  How did that happen?  I didn’t see them
pass me.  Well, I think they cut across the course and got ahead.  People
are amazing sometimes.

It was the first time I ran with an iPod.  And it definitely made it easier
when I felt like I was bogging down.

Susan and the boys came with, although they must have been bored silly
waiting for me as I lumbered through 5K, to give me support.

Joe and I went to the cemetery together this afternoon.  We haven’t done
that for a while.  I usually go by myself.  I’m more comfortable letting
loose when I’m alone.  Joe tends to huddle up right next to me while I’m
visiting Ray.

It looked the maintenance people cleared out Ray’s valentine stuff, but they
left my stones and coins on top of his tomb stone.  I added some fake
plastic lilies today and we stopped by and left lilies for my grandparents,
too.

There were new visitors to the cemetery and they did what I used to do.
They kneeled on the ground in front of the stones and became lost.  You
don’t know what to do; you just want them to come back.  Maybe if you hover
over the ground long enough, they might just rise up and return to earth.

And be human once again.