TheBanyanTree: First Breath

[Margaret R. Kramer]

8/17/05
Hi Love:
 Miss you, had a busy day today, had to tear a motor down and replace a
gear. Nice to do something for a change. I had never looked this kind of
motor before and it was a challenge some "teeth " were missing and I had to
order them. 
 Dogs still out side, NOW IN!  drinking water.
   Tomorrow I will go by Bob and see if I can help him out with his garage
door. Good rain last night! Also good twins game too!  16
innings--------until 12:15 But good game. They run out of pitchers and had
every person used. Stewart hurt his leg and was replaced by Jones. They did
not want to use Jones, but they had to. 
   Talk to you later. Want to rest for  awhile.
 Love you Ray & Geo.

We’ve been treated to some early spring warmth this week.  A lot of snow
from last week’s storm melted and we’re cruising through puddles.

I think moving through grief is like the changing seasons.  The early grief
is cold and colorless and you’re nothing but numb.  Then that first breath
of spring starts permeating through the cold.  You’re not back by any means,
but it’s a flutter of hope that someday you’ll be able to go through life
with some kind of feeling again.

I’m still working through spring, but I remember last year, as March melted
into April, feeling that first warmth of spring, and even though Ray is gone
and my life is barren without him, there’s a small hope that I’ll be able to
move through my life at some point in the future without feeling utterly
alone.

After a month without a disagreement with Joe, we had a minor one this week.
Not a big deal.  I’m getting used to it.  However, I’m not used to working
so hard at maintaining a relationship.  Asher told me welcome to club.  He
said that Ray and I had something special, we were soul mates, and that’s
why we sailed along with only small waves to get through.  Joe and I
encounter rough seas from time to time.

The Minnesota Orchestra sponsors free concerts for families.  There is a
lottery for the tickets, and I managed to win four tickets to an
Introduction to Jazz concert with Wynton Marsalis as the host.  The boys
weren’t excited at all; they envisioned a long boring concert being held
captive in their seats.  In fact, the older one pouted about it like a
teenager.  Gosh, he’s only in fourth grade, which seems way too young to be
teenager-like.

But Asher and I thought it was a great concert.  Wynton broke down the big
band by percussion and horns and then each group got to show what they did
individually and how it worked with the group.  I learned a lot of stuff I
didn’t know.  

It only lasted an hour and 15 minutes, and the boys managed to make it
through with very little damage, but I know it wasn’t their favorite thing
to do.
Ray and I had taken the boys to an indoor University of Minnesota Marching
Band concert a few years ago, and they LOVED that.  But a marching band with
lots of action is really different than jazz, I guess.  It took me a long
time to really enjoy jazz.  Now, I can’t get enough of it.

It was the first time I’ve been to Orchestra Hall since Ray died.  We went
to some great concerts there, that’s for sure.  Ray wasn’t a fan of
classical music, so I had to pick the concerts with care, but we’d hold
hands and enjoy the music together.  We did go to a big jazz band concert
once – they did a fabulous job – that was a great concert.

Yes, the memories just flood through my brain.  I’m so glad I have the
memories.

We’re going to miss a little snowstorm which is diving south of us tomorrow.
I still haven’t started my taxes.  So, after working out tomorrow, I’ll
visit Ray at the cemetery, and then head home and try to get those taxes
done, or at least, started.

And hope for a little warmth.