TheBanyanTree: 11 Months

[Margaret R. Kramer]

5/12/05
HI Love:
Got the dogs out and checking the mail; 85
------------mostly  junk. I
have gone all week and have not done any work around
the house. Guess I  not in the mood when your not with me. If it is slow at
work again I will leave  early
again. I do not like to just stand around!
COLD and nasty out today. Wind blowing too! Cat
is still out,  I called
him and he did not answer. But I well leave the
garage open so he can  go in
there. Well got to feed the dogs and cat? So long
for now ,looking forward  to
you being home.
LOVE YOU TOO MUCH!
Ray & our "friend"

I sat in the sauna after working out today.  I haven’t done that in a long
time.  It’s nice to be warm and sweaty that way instead of being HOT and
sweaty from those stupid hot flashes.

Yes, it’s been 11 months since I last kissed my sweetheart. Or held his
hand.  Or looked into his eyes.  Or heard his voice caressing my ears.

I started crying while taking a shower after the sauna.  Here I am, in my
club, crying in the shower.  Those grief bursts come at any time, kind of
like the hot flashes, unwanted and intrusive.

I dried my eyes and got dressed.  Then I drove out to the cemetery.  Some of
the wreaths are turning brown.  Some of them have blown over.  But Ray’s is
still there, looking Merry Christmas bright and cheerful.  I was the only
visitor in his section, so I could let go and have a good cry.  He knows I’m
sad, he knows that I’m at a loss on how to live life most of the time, and
he helps me in his way, as much as he can.

I wonder if he cries, too.  Does he find that this separation is almost
unbearable, too?

I’m still emailing my Hesse match.com friend.  I guess we’re penpals rather
than anything.  I don’t mind.  He writes long and interesting emails and
that encourages me to write, although I don’t know how interesting, emails
back to him.

He’s 64 years old and has two birds.  He had esophageal cancer 10 years ago
and he’s survived.  That’s an absolute miracle, because esophageal cancer is
a sucky cancer, a death cancer.  He spent two years on his back recovering
from the surgeries and the treatment.  He was in Vietnam.  And we write.
And it’s nice.  Gentle.  Thoughtful.  Just perfect for a widow who is just
11 months out.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com
www.polarispublications.com

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms
too full to embrace the present.
~Jan Glidewell
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