TheBanyanTree: Heart's Spring

[Pam Lawley]

I hope this means that we'll start to hear from you more 'regularly'... I've
missed the old you; I've missed the new you - and all those sad, hilarious,
and lovable Marias in between.


On Sun, Apr 5, 2009 at 5:07 PM, mg <spaceforone at gmail.com> wrote:

> Hello, good friends; yes, it has been a long time.  I’ve been in the midst
> of a hibernation which didn’t start in the season of earth’s winter but
> surely began in the winter of my spirit.  The timelines for such
> occurrences
> are less rigid, not guided by lunar events but mine had its own lunacy.
>  It’d
> be impossible to tell you exactly when the leaves started falling and the
> winds became sharply cold and unbearable but what matters now is that there
> are leaves budding and calmer, warmer breezes are blowing again.  Yes, as
> it
> is outside so goes my spirit, once again in a budding, burgeoning state.
>
>
>
> Just as my 45th birthday neared, August of last year, I discovered that the
> person to whom I’d committed myself was very busy with an alternate life.
>  He
> apparently wasn’t exactly sure which gender he actually preferred which did
> explain so much….  It explained the nights of wondering and the sharp
> answers received if I dared ask why don’t you want me……?  Worse, when I
> could actually get one, the answer often had everything to do with what was
> wrong with me from my personality to the shape of my body.  If there was
> any
> relief to the discovery, it was only that I knew I wasn’t mad in the head
> and there really was a problem which didn’t stem from me.  I suffered for
> it
> but didn’t own it.  The bus I’d been thrown under drove over me, backed up,
> came round and round many times before I knew any of this.  A lot of hurt
> to
> my heart and soul came first and the tread marks were deep.
>
>
>
> I did leave, it took a few months but I eventually faced the truth and left
> after a particularly brutal argument.  November 8th……  I drove to my
> sanctuary, my friend who had seen me in uncontrollable sobs the month
> previous when I accompanied her to the beach with a group of friends.
>  Kindly,
> generously, she offered me a place to go when I was ready.  She knew it
> wasn’t then but had faith in me that it would be soon.  I called her that
> Saturday morning and she said to come as soon as I could.  I arrived at her
> house in something like shock; I was numb.  I stayed for 5 weeks which
> seemed like so much longer than it sounds.  Those five weeks began on
> Sunday
> the 9th with me waking to the most dreadful home sickness and heartache
> that
> seemed to have no end as it felt unrelenting.  I made attempts to find an
> apartment and just could not get to a place of being able to sign a lease.
>  I
> didn’t know where I wanted to go, knew I needed to find my own place but
> the
> thought of signing a year’s lease made me almost physically ill.  And then
> one day it hit me; why was I beating myself up to sign a lease…..?  Who
> said
> I had to do that if I didn’t want to?  I gave myself permission to move at
> my own pace and found a sub-lease for three months.  I moved in on December
> 13.  I didn’t know it when I signed the sub-lease, a mere half hour after
> showing up, but I knew the day I moved in that I had landed in a not great
> place and if it wasn’t the outright ghetto, it was at the very least
> ghetto-light.
>
>
>
> I hated it at first but at the same time it felt like the thing to do; I
> knew it wasn’t for the real me, I knew it wasn’t forever but I knew it was
> right for me at the time.  I had no furniture, no many, many items I would
> have once thought I had to have to survive and that, too, felt right.  From
> the moment I gave myself permission to not stress over a lease it seemed I
> had developed a solid strategy of doing what was best for me even if I
> couldn’t discern the reason, the reasoning or the method.   I put my heart
> and instincts in charge……  I met a ghetto neighbor in the laundry room and
> he has become a dear and trusted friend.  We go out from time to time, have
> fun, laugh tons.  Here, too, my heart and instinct lead and although I have
> no idea of the outcome to be, no map or guide, it doesn’t matter.  It feels
> right, heart and gut have given the thumbs up.  So we all go forward with
> ease and contentment and we'll find out together what will be.
>
>
>
> I moved out of the ghetto yesterday.  My heart is no longer the
> hemorrhaging, aortic gush of never ending grief it once was and I feel
> strong.  I still sometimes get sad and wonder why and then just…let go.
>  It’s
> ok, I tell myself, to be sad, to wonder, to lament and then we, I, must
> move
> forward and look ahead.  The grieving must not hold back what has become
> the
> best time of my life.  Having come from the agony, the unbearable
> pain, anxiety and uncertainty, there is no doubt this is the best right
> now.
> I am myself again; I know you all wondered if that might ever happen again
> from three years ago when the changes first began but it has.  And like the
> five weeks didn’t sound like a long time but was, so have these five months
> been a substantial amount of time for me even if it wouldn’t be for someone
> else.  All I need is what is right for me.
>
>
>
> The ghetto served me well; it did nothing for the growth of my spirit but
> it
> held me quietly, without fan fare or favor until growth was once again
> possible.  It cocooned me until I was ready.  Allen will stay with me for
> the summer so I have a two bedroom place.  I’ve already filled it with
> music
> and anticipation and hope.  I’ve made plans for this new home and am
> excited
> and happy.  There is a sweetness to the word tomorrow and that is enough to
> make me happy today.
>
>
>
> Maria
>