TheBanyanTree: Heart's Spring

[mg]

Hello, good friends; yes, it has been a long time.  I’ve been in the midst
of a hibernation which didn’t start in the season of earth’s winter but
surely began in the winter of my spirit.  The timelines for such occurrences
are less rigid, not guided by lunar events but mine had its own lunacy.  It’d
be impossible to tell you exactly when the leaves started falling and the
winds became sharply cold and unbearable but what matters now is that there
are leaves budding and calmer, warmer breezes are blowing again.  Yes, as it
is outside so goes my spirit, once again in a budding, burgeoning state.



Just as my 45th birthday neared, August of last year, I discovered that the
person to whom I’d committed myself was very busy with an alternate life.  He
apparently wasn’t exactly sure which gender he actually preferred which did
explain so much….  It explained the nights of wondering and the sharp
answers received if I dared ask why don’t you want me……?  Worse, when I
could actually get one, the answer often had everything to do with what was
wrong with me from my personality to the shape of my body.  If there was any
relief to the discovery, it was only that I knew I wasn’t mad in the head
and there really was a problem which didn’t stem from me.  I suffered for it
but didn’t own it.  The bus I’d been thrown under drove over me, backed up,
came round and round many times before I knew any of this.  A lot of hurt to
my heart and soul came first and the tread marks were deep.



I did leave, it took a few months but I eventually faced the truth and left
after a particularly brutal argument.  November 8th……  I drove to my
sanctuary, my friend who had seen me in uncontrollable sobs the month
previous when I accompanied her to the beach with a group of friends.  Kindly,
generously, she offered me a place to go when I was ready.  She knew it
wasn’t then but had faith in me that it would be soon.  I called her that
Saturday morning and she said to come as soon as I could.  I arrived at her
house in something like shock; I was numb.  I stayed for 5 weeks which
seemed like so much longer than it sounds.  Those five weeks began on Sunday
the 9th with me waking to the most dreadful home sickness and heartache that
seemed to have no end as it felt unrelenting.  I made attempts to find an
apartment and just could not get to a place of being able to sign a lease.  I
didn’t know where I wanted to go, knew I needed to find my own place but the
thought of signing a year’s lease made me almost physically ill.  And then
one day it hit me; why was I beating myself up to sign a lease…..?  Who said
I had to do that if I didn’t want to?  I gave myself permission to move at
my own pace and found a sub-lease for three months.  I moved in on December
13.  I didn’t know it when I signed the sub-lease, a mere half hour after
showing up, but I knew the day I moved in that I had landed in a not great
place and if it wasn’t the outright ghetto, it was at the very least
ghetto-light.



I hated it at first but at the same time it felt like the thing to do; I
knew it wasn’t for the real me, I knew it wasn’t forever but I knew it was
right for me at the time.  I had no furniture, no many, many items I would
have once thought I had to have to survive and that, too, felt right.  From
the moment I gave myself permission to not stress over a lease it seemed I
had developed a solid strategy of doing what was best for me even if I
couldn’t discern the reason, the reasoning or the method.   I put my heart
and instincts in charge……  I met a ghetto neighbor in the laundry room and
he has become a dear and trusted friend.  We go out from time to time, have
fun, laugh tons.  Here, too, my heart and instinct lead and although I have
no idea of the outcome to be, no map or guide, it doesn’t matter.  It feels
right, heart and gut have given the thumbs up.  So we all go forward with
ease and contentment and we'll find out together what will be.



I moved out of the ghetto yesterday.  My heart is no longer the
hemorrhaging, aortic gush of never ending grief it once was and I feel
strong.  I still sometimes get sad and wonder why and then just…let go.  It’s
ok, I tell myself, to be sad, to wonder, to lament and then we, I, must move
forward and look ahead.  The grieving must not hold back what has become the
best time of my life.  Having come from the agony, the unbearable
pain, anxiety and uncertainty, there is no doubt this is the best right now.
I am myself again; I know you all wondered if that might ever happen again
from three years ago when the changes first began but it has.  And like the
five weeks didn’t sound like a long time but was, so have these five months
been a substantial amount of time for me even if it wouldn’t be for someone
else.  All I need is what is right for me.



The ghetto served me well; it did nothing for the growth of my spirit but it
held me quietly, without fan fare or favor until growth was once again
possible.  It cocooned me until I was ready.  Allen will stay with me for
the summer so I have a two bedroom place.  I’ve already filled it with music
and anticipation and hope.  I’ve made plans for this new home and am excited
and happy.  There is a sweetness to the word tomorrow and that is enough to
make me happy today.



Maria