TheBanyanTree: Circling Back

[Margaret R. Kramer]

11 weeks ago Ray’s doctor called me and told me Ray had gone into cardiac
arrest and lost consciousness and they moved him back into ICU.  I had just
gotten home from working out.  I felt so darn good.  Ray had been moved out
of ICU and was doing better.  Or so I thought.

I rushed to the hospital and witnessed Ray’s last breath while clutching his
hand a few hours later.  Oh, man, do I miss him.

It took me a while to get back into working out.  The first week after Ray’s
death is a nightmare I never want to live through again.  Needless to say,
other than a walk with Asher, I didn’t go to the gym.

Another effect of my grief, besides the intense anguish, was physical.  My
body felt like a tight rubber band.  Even muscle in my body was stretched to
the breaking point.  And a result of that tautness was that my left knee
went out.  It hurt like hell, but I knew it wasn’t something the doctor
needed to see.  It was just my body beating itself up just like my mind was
doing to itself.  I lurched around like a one legged woman.  I couldn’t move
my right arm.  My neck was frozen in place.

So I didn’t work out that second week either.  How could I?  When I walked,
I dragged my leg behind me.  I looked ridiculous.

I went back to the gym during the third week.  I couldn’t go to the same
club and I couldn’t go early in the morning.  I went in the middle of my
work day.  I spent 45 minutes limping on the treadmill going no more than 1
mph.

After a couple of weeks, I was able to go back to my regular gym, but still
during the work day.  I couldn’t bring myself to go early in the morning.
By this time, I stopped limping, and my knee was feeling better.

I went to back to my usual time a month ago.  Now I’m training for a 5K in
June.  I’ve been sprinting and resting.  My knee doesn’t hurt at all.  My
muscle is returning.  My heart doesn’t race anymore, but accelerates
gradually like it should.  I can stretch my body easily after a workout.
The rubber band has finally relaxed.

It’s kind of funny how the gym became something I had to re-evaluate after
Ray’s death.  I associated it with the events of Ray’s death and then had to
do all sorts of dancing around before I could get back into the habit of
going again.  My body thanks me for it, though.

I’ve also lost about 10 pounds since Ray died.  I still enjoy my food, but
the Sugar Man, the Man Who Loved Peeps, the Donut Dazzler is no longer
leaving me little sweet things, which this foodoholic had trouble staying
away from.  I was beginning to pack on the pounds again when Ray went to the
hospital.  I guess I’d rather be fat and have Ray alive, but I made a
promise to myself when Ray died, I was not going to eat myself into
oblivion.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com

www.polarispublications.com

In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the
rustle of a wing.
~Robert Ingersoll
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