I'm stuck. I would like to relate the story of how a recent acquaintance
stunned us with her declaration that she and her husband now have an open
marriage, and she is actively dating, but I'm not sure where to start. Or
why, for that matter, except it's a story just waiting to be told, whether I
want to or not. She was Andrew's friend when I met him, and early in our
relationship I attended her wedding reception as his guest. Since then,
we've seen them off and on, met for dinner, at weddings of mutual friends,
we've been to their new townhouse, which is remarkably similar to the one we
just moved out of, except that they bought theirs, while we were mere
renters.
When we'd meet for dinner they'd ask us what we'd like, and
I, being rather fond of certain foods at certain times, would suggest
something to my liking. Her husband would then disagree with my suggestion
and instead we'd go have Thai food. Make no mistake, I love Thai food, but I
love a variety of foods, while their choices always came back to . . . Thai
food. She and Andrew and I would make conversation while her husband eyed
the food, ensuring everything was within reach. We'd each serve ourselves
from the heaping plates on the table while he watched as if afraid someone
would take too much, and when he ate, he kept his face close to his plate,
as if he'd been raised by jackals, always suspecting someone might steal his
food. It was quite . . . entertaining.
She would tell us, when he wasn't around, of how lonely she
was. First he'd spent all his time studying for his insurance exams or
snowboarding, and then he decided to ditch the insurance industry and take a
job in customer service, working nights and weekends. On his days off he'd
go off snowboarding, without her. But even though she was lonely she told us
how happy she was, what a strong relationship they have, and, they very well
might have. I am well aware that one's table manners are neither a positive
nor a negative factor in this regard, nor one's awkward public persona.
(More than a few people have asked me, after meeting this couple, "She's
very nice, but what's she see in him?")
She met her husband at church, a fine place to meet one's
life partner. They shared the same values, and several times we've had
slightly uncomfortable discussions with her as she believes in the literal
word of the Bible, and doesn't mind telling others they're not only wrong,
but very wrong. It's okay, we're not either of us that invested in enforcing
our liberal views on anyone else. Our idea of being religiously involved
means that every now and then we talk about perhaps making the effort to
find a church to attend. So we're heathens. We do consider the fact though.
Last month this friend called us to invite us over for a raw
foods dinner. She's also quite militant about the advantages of eating food
that requires no cooking, something we don't quite understand. Andrew was on
the phone with her, sitting next to me on the couch, and he turned to me
with a panicked look on his face and put her on speaker so I could hear. She
was in the midst of explaining her, or their, new marital philosophy, which
went something like this: Just because two people are married doesn't mean
they can't enjoy the company of other people, and a really strong and
healthy marriage will do even better with the inclusion of other people, and
so she's dating other men, and everyone should try this in their marriages,
because it's only brought them closer together, and now she's not so lonely.
Andrew stuttered out a reply about, "Well, uhm, if that
makes you happy . . . "
She continued by saying that she hoped her friends would
understand, and see that it really is a wonderful thing, and how people who
are really happy in their relationships SHOULD date other people.
Andrew is so good at dealing with difficult people every day
–it's his job, dealing with people who are trying to make a change they're
not sure they want to make, people who can think of every reason in the
world not to change, and he has only once not known how to counter their
many specious arguments. But he stumbled his way through the rest of this
conversation, and when he finally managed to finish the call, after
declining the invitation to dinner since, after all, we're now three hours
away, he turned and looked at me and asked, "Isn't that the weirdest thing
EVER?"
I had to agree with him. Why even bother to get married if
one has to keep dating? I mean, what's the point? Part of the reason I got
married, besides the fact that I adore my husband, was because it meant I'd
never have to date again. I'm of the opinion that if one wants to date OTHER
people, one should continue to date other people and not bother getting
married. I thought the end result of successful dating was so one wouldn't
have to do that anymore. The fun part of dating is knowing that it's not
supposed to last forever. The fun part of being married is that I get to be
with my favorite person every day. Apparently my belief system is twisted,
according to this acquaintance, who thinks that now that she's married it's
time to move on to other men while keeping the husband off snowboarding and
working.
I think I'll stick with my old-fashioned archaic notions of
marriage. Besides, boring suits me.
M
The Daily Stew Report: http://www.thedailystewreport.blogspot.com/