TheBanyanTree: In the Dead of the Night

[Margaret R. Kramer]

I go the VA Medical Center in the dead of the night.  Well, it seems that
way.  By the time I feed the dogs, eat dinner, clean up the dishes, and do a
quick check of email, it’s already dark when I head out the door to visit
Ray.

I finally figured out how to get to the VA without getting lost.  Gee, it’s
only four miles away, you would think it wouldn’t be a big deal, but the
airport, federal government offices, and the national cemetery along with
the VA Medical Center are all within this small space and the freeways whirl
and twirl around them, so it gets confusing trying to figure out exactly
where to turn and where to go straight.  There are some signs, but they’re
confusing, too.  Everything about the VA is confusing to me, but that’s
another story.

So by the time I get to the hospital, I’m angry.  I’m angry because I got
lost.  I’m angry because I stay home and have to go out on a cold night.  I’
m angry because I worry about getting up early the next morning to get my
workout in before going to work.  I’m angry because I’m worried about Ray.
I’m angry because I’m selfish.  I’m angry because I’m angry.

I’m angry because Ray is still in pain.  I’m angry because I have no power
to make him better.  All I can do is just sit there, a woman with a healthy
body who is able to do her normal things, and stare at someone who is in
pain and needs me to understand and I don’t.

But progress was made this week.  Ray had a candida infection in his throat.
That’s a type of fungus infection similar to thrush.  This infection caused
him not to be able to swallow properly and occasionally he would choke on
his food.

They did an endoscopy this week and discovered he had a swollen Schatzki
Ring, which is near the opening of the stomach.  This ring was too swollen
to allow much food to reach his stomach.  And because he was so run down
from not receiving enough nutrients, his colitis flared up.

Well, all that made perfect sense, and they began giving Ray drugs to treat
all these things.  He’s drinking Ensure to get more calories and vitamins
back into his system.  He’s sitting up more in bed.

The doctor thought he could go home yesterday, but she and I are a lot
alike, because we’re vigorous and healthy, we forget some people just don’t
heal very fast, and Ray is a slow healer.  He’s still in pain from all the
air in his gut when they did the endoscopy.  He’s eating better, but not a
lot.  It will take a while for him to get his appetite back, I’m sure.

So I was angry last night because he couldn’t come home.  And that’s
selfish.  If he was home, I could incorporate him into my day, but since he’
s at the hospital, I have to block out a big chunk of time to visit him.  It
’s all about ME!  I’m disgusted with myself.

But he really isn’t ready to come home.  When I stop thinking about myself
for a minute, I do believe that a weekend at the hospital will help him
stabilize and give his body a chance to rest and the drugs to work.  I can
visit until 9:00 pm, so I’ll go later this afternoon.  I do want to get the
taxes done and that should just take a couple of hours, because I got all
the paperwork ready to go.  Then I can bring copies with me when I visit Ray
so he can look them over.  Money is a good way to get the mind on something
other than pain.  A big refund might eliminate the need for morphine
tonight!

But there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I would bet Ray will come home
on Monday if everything progresses as it does for him.  It’s getting lighter
at night, too.  It was more of a twilight when I was driving to the VA last
night instead of total darkness.  And maybe I won’t be so darn angry!

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com

www.polarispublications.com

My heart to you is given:
Oh, do give yours to me;
We'll lock them up together,
And throw away the key..
~Frederick Saunders
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.20.6/1280 - Release Date: 02/15/2008
9:00 AM