TheBanyanTree: Things that go beep in the night

[Monique Colver]

Smoke alarms and cell phones. These are the sorts of things that always
choose 3 am to start beeping. I don't know why that is, but if someone could
let me know, I'd really appreciate it. It's not that I don't appreciate
being startled awake by my dog whining because there's an annoying noise
bothering her, and she wants me to fix that, because I really do. Especially
when I can't determine the source of the beeping, which is only occasional
and seems to stop as soon as I start listening for it. As soon as I start to
go back to sleep, there's another beep, Honey's at my side whimpering, and
I'm wondering, "Where the hell did that one come from?"
	I'm sure there's a reason for smoke alarms to beep. I'm sure it has
something to do with batteries, though why does it need to beep at me when
it's 3 am and the thing's hard wired anyway? 
	I once had a house where the master bedroom had a huge vaulted
ceiling, with a plant shelf at one end. This shelf was way up high, and
since it couldn't be reached without the aid of a ladder, there were no
plants on it. (Who comes up with these ideas anyway? Am I really going to
put plants up somewhere where I can't reach them? What am I supposed to do
about watering? Install automatic sprinklers up there?) On the wall of the
"plant" shelf was a smoke detector, hard wired and also with batteries, the
extra protection method. Several months after moving into said house the
smoke detector started beeping. Surely the batteries couldn't be going bad
already, could they? The house had just been built! We looked up at the
offending item and pondered the possibilities. Standing on a chair would get
us within reaching distance of the plant shelf, if we strained really hard.
By within reaching distance, I mean we could perhaps touch it. Rather
difficult to get to the smoke alarm from that vantage point. A ladder? We
didn't have a ladder yet, not realizing that we'd need one inside the house.
(Silly people that we were.) Meanwhile, the alarm kept up with its infernal
beeping, a sound designed to drive the most sane mad, and we weren't all
that sane to begin with. We called the builder, who fortuitously lived down
the street, and within days that seemed like weeks he came down with his
ladder and fixed it, at least temporarily, though it didn't stay fixed,
apparently being defective in that it went through batteries like I go
through chocolate - quickly, and without any remorse whatsoever. Eventually
it was disconnected altogether just so we could get some sleep.
	Recently, in my present accommodations, the smoke alarm in what we
like to refer to as the guest room/office began misbehaving, usually at
night, and it emits a high pitched annoying noise that drives my dog mad, at
least one of them. Ash seems to be immune to the pesky things, fortunately,
but not Honey. We changed the batteries. The thing's hard wired also. It was
a strain to reach, since the ceiling's are high and they like to put the
little suckers as close to the ceiling as possible, but we managed. Then it
started beeping again. I couldn't manage it myself, since I'm more likely,
if climbing on a chair and reaching towards the ceiling, to end up
horizontal on the floor before accomplishing anything, so it's more of a
husband job. Poor husbands. We eventually solved that particular problem by
buying a new pub table for the dining room, with pub chairs, and then
dragging one of said chairs upstairs to sit in the bedroom for when the
smoke detector goes awry. Much easier for said husband to reach since the
pub chair is higher. I was a bit concerned when we had houseguests recently
that the alarm would go off again, thereby annoying the houseguests in the
middle of the night, but fortunately we made it through unscathed. 
	Sometimes it's the cell phones, if someone has forgotten to charge
one, and sometimes when I'm asleep I can't tell the difference between a
cell phone and a smoke alarm. The cell phone situation is compounded by the
fact that the husband currently has 2 cell phones that share a battery,
because both cell phones were inadvertently washed, thereby killing one and
severely damaging the other. The second was resurrected by following a
strict recipe of dousing with alcohol and letting it dry out, but
unfortunately the new battery can't be charged. (Also, the 1 key doesn't
work very well, but that's a different issue altogether.) However, the first
virtually dead phone still has the capability of accepting a charge, so when
the battery goes dead in the second resurrected phone, it must be removed
and placed in the first dead phone to recharge, then placed back in the
second phone. (I should just buy him a new phone, that's what I should do,
but he's opposed to that idea on the grounds that he has almost one complete
working phone between the two of them.) 
	At 3 am this morning Honey let me know that there was an annoying
noise coming from somewhere, though she wasn't specific on where the noise
was or exactly what she expected me to do about it. I tried comforting her,
which only worked until the next beep. I tried letting her outside, but she
followed me back in. I assumed the beeping was a smoke alarm gone awry
again. Husband tried putting her outside and closing the door, assuming she
wouldn't be able to hear it and would sleep, since she loves to sleep
outside anyway. Then we could hear her whimpering outside, which fortunately
is right outside our bedroom window. 
	That's when he realized it was cell phone number 2 causing the
disturbance, and not a smoke alarm, so I headed downstairs yet again to
fetch both dog and cell phone, and turn the damn thing off. Of course, I
never turn mine off, I only turn the ringer off when I don't want to hear
it, so I didn't know how because it's one of those things I conveniently
forget. So Honey and I took the offending phone back upstairs to bed with us
and I said, "Here, turn this thing off please."
	He did, and we all made an attempt to get back to sleep. 
	Twenty minutes later the alarm went off. The one that makes us get
up in the morning. It's Thursday, and on Thursday the alarm goes off at an
abnormally early hour. 
	A nap may be called for later.