TheBanyanTree: A Comedy of Errors or.....

Sat Dec 22 19:32:06 PST 2007

... a farce in a number of Acts (Thanks to Ole Bill Shakyspear for giving me the idea fer a title).

I dunno whether to start at the beginning or the end...I mean them stories wot start at the end of things and have flashbacks is sort of arty crafty and use wot is called artistic licence...well..this story ain't artistic, but I loves the liberal use of licence and libations (alcoholic, as you know) come to that, but I am digressing again.

Act The Last
------------

OK..the ending...the ending to this little play came in some ungodly hour in the middle of the night, last night..the ungodliness was due to the vagaries of the weather gods who pelted the SE of Orstralia with storms and tropical winds and lashings of rain.

So..there was the Woofess who was trying to fight her way to the front of a crowd at the baggage carousel..there were about three jumbo jetloads of passengers all vying for a front position at a very tiny carousel...in fact it got quite down, dirty and dangerous there, folks. Having managed to intimidate a number of luckless males, the Woofess managed a spot at the apex of the carousel...for some reason all the baggage tried to jump off all by their ownselfs when the carousel thingy turned a corner and so all folks in this spot had to  keep throwing suitcases back on the conveyor belt as it turned.

So there we all were, waiting for our own luggage to appear and there was this awful screeching noise and the carousel stopped..This happened time and time again..the airport baggage dudes would kick start it and it  would go for a minute or two and then stop....now, here it was  very late and you would think that folks would be getting really stroppy, but nope..every time it stopped, everyone would laugh.

You see, it was par for the course and so we were all resigned to problems occurring. 

This Act started in Melbourne last night (technically it probably started in our Nation's Capital, Canberra and involved a very drunk elderly man who was trying to change flights and kept flashing 50 dollar notes at the service desk dude, but the drunk dude was both obnoxious and reeking of booze and I think he fell off the page somewhere cuz he couldn't negotiate the elevator, so I will omit his character from the play)..

So..there I was at the airport in Melbourne, watching torrential rain flood the runways, along with thousands of other passengers, waiting for planes that never arrived or arrived hours late..the more we waited, the more our flight was delayed. Now, normally when flights are delayed etc, you usually get some folks grumble..but not this time...maybe because it was the weather or maybe because it was nearly Xmas, everyone was quite amiable about it.

Two hours after our flight was scheduled to depart, we got the welcome boarding call. As I collected my boarding pass and passed into the boarding sky/tube thingy,the security doors behind me gave out an anguished scream and locked shut. I am sure it was not my fault, but it was a while before anyone else came down the tunnel..

Finally, we were all on board and ready to go and the captain comes over the intercom:

"We are already to go and we are just waiting to finish the cargo loading and as soon as we locate a ground crew to do the loading..."

Ahh...thank goodness, we all thought.

A few minutes later the captain comes over the intercom again..

"Err...I have just been informed that loading might take a bit longer..we are still trying to locate a ground crew to load the cargo.."

And a bit later...

"Err...I have been informed that it will take another 25 mins.."

To cool any tempers, we cattle class passengers were handed out our frozen chocolate paddlepops while we were waiting, instead of near the end of the flight, which is the normal time...this was A GOOD THING, because it meant those frozen paddlepops did not get the chance to freeze to their usual temperature, which is approximately the freezing point of Nitrogen. I think the cabin staff hang those paddlepops out of the plane so that they get to be the same temp as the outside air. You have to be very careful eating them, cuz they tend to stick to you like tongues stick to frozen lamp posts and you lose half of your lips or tongues extricating the bloody things...in fact they tend to rip large chunks of flesh off you with a loud sucking noise!

Much much later, we finally took off. 

Everyone settled down  to enjoy the inflight entertainment. This would be good, cuz we had the international movie system...the ones with the screens in the back of the seats which meant you could choose wot you wotched. The movies had just started when our screens went blank...

The head cabin  dude pipes up:

"I have just been informed that the menu on the inflight entertainment is blank and I don't know how to work this computer thing, so I will just read out what is on each channel from this piece of paper I have here.."

He did to a chorus of stifled giggles from the audience.

Much later he finally figured out how to turn it on again so that we actually got pictures on the screen.

Half a bottle of red wine and the latest Bourne movie later we prepares for landing...surprisingly the landing was a smooth one. The plane taxies to the arrival bay and we wait to get off...

We wait...and we wait...and we wait...the more foolish amongst us, waited standing and crammed in the aisles...

A voice comes over the intercom..it is the pore ole captain again...

"Err..I have just been informed that the [sky/tube thingy -sky bridge?] has malfunctioned and only one exit is working...all passengers in the forward cabin [Business Class]...could you please turn around and disembark from exit 2.."

Great roars of laughter erupted from the cattle class section.

And a few mins later, the voice spoke again...

"Oh..also...there is a gap of about half a metre between the plane and the [sky/tube thingy], so please be careful stepping off the plane.."

That was it...folks were laughing so much that they would have been rolling in the aisles, ceptin they was all jammed upright.

OK...that is the end of the play..tomorrow I will write the front bits..stay tuned to learn about trotting harps, guillotines and Mme Defarges...

"

-- 
Best regards,
 Woofie ,                         mailto:woofie at woofess.com

***************************************************************

"Woofess is right, as usual.." maxdog (Tallahassee, FL) 27/1/98

***************************************************************

Website: http://www.woofess.com
Photos: http://public.fotki.com/woofie/
Photos: http://www.pbase.com/woofess
        http://public.fotki.com/woofie/