TheBanyanTree: I Can't Cry when I'm Swimming

[Margaret R. Kramer]

We’re finally getting a real taste of spring after a week of snow and cold
winds.  I think we turned the corner and there will be an upward spiral of
warmth as we move towards summer.  If the moon and the stars align just the
right way this week, maybe I’ll be able to clear off the leaves and straw
from my gardens and get out the lawn furniture.

But everything has to be in perfect alignment for me to do that.  And I have
no clue what this week will bring.  Last week was a maze of long meetings at
work and long evenings at the hospital with my work laptop capturing all the
bull---- from the meaningless meetings in order to have it ready for no one
to review the next day.  You know how you send an email to people stating
“Please review” and they don’t look at the attachment until the meeting, so
they’re  unprepared, and we spend most of the meaningless meeting watching
them gyrate around trying to capture meanings in things that don’t have
meaning.

Then I close up my work laptop and spend a few furtive moments with Ray,
still starving while getting his nutrients through a tube, before I had head
home in order to start the process all over again the next day.

So engrossed was I in my meaningless work, that I didn’t pay much attention
when Ray told me that the doctors saw a spot in his left lung on one of the
x-rays and took a quick biopsy of it on Monday.  I forgot about the biopsy –
thinking no news was good news.

Susan and Asher wanted to meet me at hospital on Thursday evening.  I
thought that was nice.  We were all chatting away and then the nurse came
in.  Asher took my left hand and Ray took my right and I knew in that moment
that the nurse would have nothing good to say.  The nurse explained that the
spot was cancer, but it didn’t look like it had spread anywhere else.  Ray
had a PET scan done (a more detailed type of MRI/CT scan) and they would get
the results of that on Friday.

Ray had known for TWO DAYS that he had LUNG CANCER, while I sat blissfully
ignorant typing away on my stupid work laptop.  He didn’t want to tell me
when I was by myself, because I get so upset.  I’m the biggest crybaby in
the world, especially when it comes to anything bad affecting Ray.  So he
had Asher and Susan with me when the nurse gave me the news.  I couldn’t cry
or get upset, because my grandsons were also there, and I didn’t want them
to get upset.

So I sat in shock for awhile, smiling and looking calm, but my insides were
churning just like Ray’s.  What was going to happen?  What about money?  How
sick was Ray going to get?  Can I handle living with a walking skeleton?  Do
I have the ability to be a good caretaker?  What is LUNG CANCER anyway?

I didn’t sleep much, but I got up, just like I have all week, and went to
the club.  Friday is swimming day and I swam lap after lap.  You see, I can’
t cry while I’m swimming.  Somehow that doesn’t work.  Tears and chlorine
water don’t mix.  But I could think and try to get my head around LUNG
CANCER.  I wanted to bring the cancer into myself and take on the treatments
and take on the surgery and take on the pain and take on everything for Ray.
I’ll be the one with LUNG CANCER, because I have the strength to fight it
off.

After working out, I went to work.  I deliberately pulled myself out of the
meaningless meeting.  I was in the meeting, but I only rolled my eyes and
tried not to vomit as I watched my co-workers  dissect a document.  I needed
to disengage.  I still needed to get my head around LUNG CANCER.

I didn’t volunteer for any tasks that would need work over the weekend.  I’m
done with that.  From now on, it’s all about Ray and helping him get better.
My big, big boss heard about me through the grapevine and called me into his
office.  He told me that they were going to add another member to our team,
so I shouldn’t have to work on stuff while visiting Ray in the hospital.  He
also told me that I wouldn’t have to travel at the end of the month.  Oh,
boy, what a relief!  I feel like a major burden was taken off of me.

And the sun was out and it was much warmer and it felt like spring was
really here.  And the PET scan showed the cancer hadn’t spread anywhere
else.  It’s the size of a golf ball and not attached to the chest wall.  I
talked to the chest surgeon and Ray’s oncologist last night and they’re
going to run some tests to be sure that Ray can handle the surgery.  There
is some calcification around Ray’s heart, which is a concern.  They want to
be sure his lungs work OK, so they’ll do breathing tests.

If Ray can’t have surgery, then they’ll give him radiation, which isn’t a
great alternative, but better than nothing.

Meanwhile, Ray’s bowel is finally starting to inch back to normality.  He
doesn’t need the gas tube attached as much he did.  His digestive system
will still fill up with gas, but Ray seems to be able to toot it out rather
than it building up in his gut.  He still can’t eat much, but he’s hungry,
and that’s a good sign.

I look at the bowel problem as a good thing, because of the colitis or Crohn
’s, they found the LUNG CANCER.  And if the moon and the stars align  just
perfectly, maybe the LUNG CANCER is just an isolated glob in Ray’s lung and
hasn’t spread anywhere else and maybe, just maybe it won’t get a chance to
spread its deadly tentacles any further.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com

Easter spells out beauty, the rare beauty of new life.
~S.D. Gordon