TheBanyanTree: Forwarded for Maria

[Pam North]

 Ambiguous Confusion


Coming here to the house is draining.  Randy is well from his surgery and
back to work and I don't come as often.  Stepping through the door is akin
to what happened over and over and with increasing degrees of intensity when
I moved from my childhood home.  That nomatic life and my family
encompassing a home was more than a physical address.  I couldn't go home
then and I can't go home now.  So, I have an apartment and I have Wake
Forest.  I'm occupying either/or but I'm never home.  And as sad as I am to
step through the portal of what is no longer my space, when I shove aside
the guilt and horror upon return to my space for one, I'm happy.  It makes
me happy to go there.  To say I am at odds with myself is a monumental
understatment.

I'm saddened and sorry to say I don't miss living here.  I may miss
belonging here, I don't know right now, and I miss my son and Randy.  I
don't miss living married.  Yet.  Maybe.  I miss having a computer at
disposal but I dig having my own space.  I still revel in it and wonder if
I'll tire of it.  I miss for a nano second a lot of the material things that
make it very convenient here but I wouldn't trade what I have done for
them.  Obviously, or I wouldn't have done it, right?  Right?

I miss physical touch, physical love the most.  I find I yearn and hunger
for touching and stroking at odd moments as well and a part of me knows I
was yearning and hungering before I left and that may have a lot to do with
why I did.  Perhaps.  I'm not sure what to do about it, though.  I don't
want to risk rejection by making a move and also don't want to risk a
misunderstanding as to my intentions.  I have needs.  I am drowning in this
need for emotional, physical and spiritual reasons.  How do I say make love
to me but don't expect me to move back home?  How do I say kiss me and touch
me, rub my back and hair and undress me slowly with your eyes and then your
hands and then invade me properly?  No.  I don't dare say it for a lot of
reasons.  I just float around at the moment--every moment is at the moment
and they stack up to eventually to become a day and then days--with unmet
needs.  I don't miss living like that daily as I now know I was.  I'm not
sure when time will become what it used to be for me.  I can not think for
more than an hour ahead it seems and don't actually care to.  Got a serious
fuck it philosophy these days.  Critical and urgent have been pared down to
the basics of air and food and food can be negotiated.  Anything requiring
thought is easily swept aside.

I just want to lie down and be absorbed into someone else's skin and forget
all of this for a while.

Maria