TheBanyanTree: Runnin' on Empty

[Maria Gibson]

I am emotionally done for, finished, kaput.  I have reached a stop sign 
in the road and it is red and blinking and roaring with sirens at the 
mere thought of having to put forth any emotion whatsoever for anyone.  
I am bereft for myself, what the fuck do I have to give anyone else?  
Nothing.  I'm drained, the tank is dry and we surpassed fumes a couple 
of miles back.  I'm thinking that at least for the next few hours, I 
can't be anyone to anyone.  All I really want to do is get dressed, 
sneak out and drive somewhere.  I really don't care where.  Just there.  
And not back.

Have you ever done that?  Been driving along where everything is 
unfamiliar even though the same damn Taco Bell, WalMart and Autozone are 
there that are at home?  Has it ever occurred to you how easy it would 
be to just stop...?  Get a job washing dishes.  Get a one room hole with 
a bare light bulb and a shared toilet down the hall.  Speak with no 
one.  Go to work day after day and live out an existence where no one 
wants anything and no one needs anything.  Perhaps dieing of loneliness 
is preferable to dieing of emotional over extension.  It seems that way 
right this second, anyway.

I refuserefuserefuse to give away my soul for the sake of another even 
one more time, at least until the sun comes up and I have to do it all 
over again.  And now it isn't given freely, for tonight at least, it is 
given grudgingly and meanly with no milk of human kindness.  The fucking 
milk is soured.  I want to run away to Peru or Bali and live out of a 
trash can on a beach and beg for quarters which I promise will not be 
used to call someone who cares.  Hopefully no one will and then my own 
burden is lifted.  I can move about anonymously and be buried in an 
unmarked grave unless someone has the foresight to mark it as The 
Ingrate Who Had to Run Away Because She Just Could Not Give One More 
Ounce.  Not one.  Not.  One.

I need.  I need.  I need to feel like the most precious thing on earth 
for just a moment.  I need to just fall in a heap at the feet and be 
able to pass out without a worry because I know I'll be taken care of.  
I need to curl up and be curled around and protected from the world, 
from others, from myself.  I need to take some time off from being the 
be all, end all, do all.  The foundation that I am and have been for so 
long and for not so long is crumbling like sand art at high tide.

To be the most precious thing on earth for just a moment.  Tonight, it 
was all I really needed.

Maria