TheBanyanTree: 21 Day Saga

[maria gibson]

It will be three weeks tomorrow.  Three weeks ago he rolled back into my
life and it has been Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.  Actually, he hadn't really left
it, it had been an on again off again long distance relationship that was in
more of a coma than it was alive.  But.  I love him and have loved him from
almost the beginning and so I hung on, clung on and tried to figure out what
the fuck was going on.  He spent a good deal of five months not talking to
me, ignoring my calls and pleas for explanation.  He had been horribly awful
on the phone on several occasions and I spent many night wandering the
complex smoking and crying for not understanding how this man who had
treated me like the most precious jewel on earth did a 180 and seemed to
think I was no better than the smears on his toilet paper every morning.
Way back in the day he begged me to call and not leave him, back when he
felt that was a threat which I never understood as I assured him constantly
it shouldn't be a worry.  It seemed that as soon as that was no longer an
issue he put me way out to pasture and only brought me back for bread and
water when I was near death.  Just enough to keep me and some weird
semblance of a relationship alive.  It confused me but always left me with
just enough hope to keep me hoping.

Then three weeks ago he rolled back in for a lot of reasons that didn't have
much to do with me but that I hoped had something to do with me.  I had him
come here with the knowledge that an 'us' may not be in the works but I
wanted to help him and was willing to try to see what could be when given
the chance of every day contact.  And so it began.

The first night he didn't sleep with me but I was patient.  There was an
awful lot of raw emotion on all sides and I don't push people.  Folks have
to do what they have to do for themselves and if anyone can understand that,
it's me.  Then the second night he asked if I had slept with anyone during a
period when we weren't speaking and I was truthful and said I had.  And
although at the time I thought I'd never see him again and he had treated me
like shit, even though I know he also did the same thing, even though  he
has been talking every night to another girl while I was within earshot and
telling her he loved and missed her, he took the road that I had cheated on
him.  Men slay me with a double standard but this one flayed, slayed,
wrapped me in butcher paper and left me in the sun to rot, so much so did I
not understand his reasoning.  Still, I understood that he was hurt and I
was sorry to be the object of his hurt.  I had forgiven him of so much in
such a short time of knowing him and yet I was not to be forgiven.  But, I'm
patient.  I thought that his remaining here was a sign that he felt he could
get past it, he told me he could but that it would take a while.  I love him
and thought I could do that.

Every day has been a hardship as I waited and waited to be forgiven for
something I don't actually need forgiveness for.  Affection came to a halt,
no kissing and hugging, no touching, no words of love.  Sleeping in the same
bed night after night wanting him with a smoldering passion that was so very
hard to not act upon.  Being called out about it every other day.  I refused
in all that time to allow myself the luxury of wishing I had lied.  Would it
have made my life easier?  I don't know because there has to be more to this
than that, my supposed transgression.  I began to believe that his heart was
back where he used to be, that he doesn't love me and yet I was patient.
Last Tuesday, he reached for me.  He was nervous, I was nervous.  It was
hard.  No kissing and no love involved, it was an animalistic joining but a
need on both parts was fulfilled.  I was happy for a broken barrier and
believed that it was the first step in getting past whatever the problem
is.   I was getting enough hope to keep hoping.

On Friday he told me it was a drunken mistake and life became not being able
to approach someone who had treated me like a whore without leaving fifty
bucks on the dresser on the way out.   It has taken a crazy downhill turn
from there.  He became unreachably distant both physically at times as he
spent the night at his sister's house to emotionally and then my own efforts
circled the drain.  I went from being able to hug him and sleep with my arm
around him to not being able to stomach the thought of touching someone who
found he couldn't touch me.  Never in my life have I felt used, never have I
felt dirty and ashamed for natural feelings.  My heart is not the same from
that talk.  I knew as I walked the complex on Friday night that I was not
long for patience anymore.  I swung from wild anger to devastating hurt.
Like an executive toy on the CEOs desk, I had two steel balls taking turns
crushing me from both ends while the middle balls tried to stay calm all the
while being beaten by the relentless alternating blows.  I have felt things
and in ways that I can't even put words to and I pride myself on being able
to put words to life's experiences.  I have been robbed on many levels.

And now, on Sunday night, the love of my life is asleep on the couch as I
stay stubbornly awake.  My patience is at an end.  There are so many people
in my life who feel it should have been at an end months ago, weeks ago,
days ago.  But I have a long fuse and with enough rational, apparently, can
put up with an awful lot.  Even yesterday I felt I could do this and wait to
see what happened just a little longer but as he snores on the couch and is
the furthest away he has ever been, even further than when he was out of
state, I know I can't.  This is a weighty straw.

Tomorrow, today, before I leave for work I have to tell him.  I have to tell
him that I can't live like this and if he can't at least offer affection;
kissing, hugging and a shared bed with an arm around each other, hope and
belief for healing, I can't continue.  If he still needs whatever time to
get over his belief that I cheated on him, I can deal with that.  That is at
least an effort to move forward.  But if his heart is in another state, he
needs to carry his body back to it.  And then I'm done.  Hurt is sure to
follow, many tears I'm sure will be shed but I have to live my life.  I have
promised my friends that I am fully aware of every moment, that I have not
let go of the perspective that he may not actually want to be with me, that
he may leave at any minute and that I have kept a reserve of heart and
perspective to help me when/if that time came.  I am really glad that I have
done that because I feel quite certain I will need it.  I couldn't have done
this at any other time in my life, it seems that all of this has been meant
to be for some reason and I have just rolled with the tide.

I'm going to tell him I need for him to make his choice to move forward or
move out.  Be gone by the time I get back from work so that I can begin to
heal.  I'm not sorry a bit that I have done what I have done in trying so
hard.  He is the love of my life but may not be someone I can live with.
I'm not sorry I have endured this, I have loved him more every day and will
always treasure the good memories and this is a lot easier than the first
time when it seemed he disappeared from the face of the earth.  At least
this will have some closure.

Before anyone who hears this story, a story with so much more to it but
which does at least cover the highlights, has an immediate opinion, I want
one thing understood.  I have loved unconditionally and I am not sorry I
have.  It's one thing to say it and it's another to have it put to the
test.  I have loved with whole heart and I am not sorry or ashamed that I
have.  And now it's time to be sure I will be able to take care of myself
and in order for that to happen I have to be aware of the time when there is
still time to save myself from a trip to the county mental hospital.  That
time is now.  In a few hours I'll tell him all of this and still, with the
last bit of patience I can muster, I'll give him a choice.  Stay with your
heart, body and soul, be willing to work on this while freely offering
attention and affection or leave by the time I get home.

I hope he'll be here.

Maria