TheBanyanTree: Inspired Changes??

[Pam North]

I dunno.  How did *my* changes, inspire weighty matters with Maria?!

Perhaps it's all those long talks about our drinking and our weight gain.

I know that *I* drank to hide.  To keep the world at bay, to ignore the
issues I didn't have the heart to deal with, and in fact, just plain didn't
even want to try to deal with.  Thinking about my life just depressed me
more, and so I made a choice not to, every time I made a drink.  Okay, maybe
not *every* time.  Sometimes I just made a drink to fill the time...

And I don't know that I had some great epiphany.  I had no dream, nobody
came to me in my sleep.  Somewhere, along the way, I realized that the very
bottom line was:  Only *I* could make a difference in my life.  When
everything else fell apart, I still had my kids.  I focused on being a
'mom', and that's about all.  I wasn't a person, a woman, much of a friend
in a lot of ways... I was just a mom.  And I'm thankful that I had that
much going for me.  Raising two kids kept me putting one foot in front of
the other, every morning of every day, until it was time to put myself to
sleep, and wait for the next day to begin.

And then one day my son told me that he thought he might want to go live
with his dad and his dad's new fiance, and all her kids.  He told me it was
more 'fun' over there.

Well.  Now didn't *that* make me stop and think!  Knowing he's a fourteen
year old boy, and as fickle about his desires as the North Carolina weather,
I didn't take his comment *too* much to heart.  Oh sure, it was
disconcerting and I felt a stab of hurt, but I also knew, deep inside, that
given a good fight with his dad, he'd want to be back home where he was
'safe' again with mom.  But, the fact that he is of an age to be able to
choose and make that decision for himself, was an eye-opener of sorts for
me!  Both of  my kids will be 'out' and about in a few years, whether they
choose college or jobs or (just ask my son!) get drafted to play
professional baseball!!

That - EEEKKKK!!!!! - is going to leave me, all on my own.  So while I have
been 'marking time' through life, giving whatever was available only to my
kids, I realized that when they're gone, I'm going to find myself stuck with
me, and it didn't look like it was going to be such a great place to be
stuck!  Me?!?  How fun is that?!?!??!  I was/am still!, overloaded with
anger and hurt and resentment and bitterness.  Okay, I'm not so overloaded
now, but it's not all the way gone yet, either.

And so I started thinking.  A new year was coming on the calendar, but like
Maria said, it was more like a new year for ME.  And I kept on thinking.
Obviously, the first I needed to do was stop drinking.  Maybe not forever
because the horrid truth is, while I admit to abusing alcohol these last
couple of years, I don't want to admit that perhaps it's taken total
control.  I'd rather think, at least for now, that *I* can control it, that
I am in charge.  I set a goal:  get through January with NO alcohol, and see
what happens.

Because, getting though those 31 days, those 744 hours, *always* sober, was
going to require me to find other things to do to fill my time.  I like to
think about it as finding 'new habits'.  I've forgotten whatever it was I
used to do every day and every evening that didn't involve one single
drink.  Sure, I had a husband then, but still... I *know* I did things...
like baking!!  I used to bake all the time, for fun!  I could still bake
with a drink in my hand, but mostly I'd lose interest before it really took
root.  Nahhh... I'll just sit and veg instead.

So.  My new habits?  Well, every day when I get home from work, I go for a
walk with my dog.  She *loves* the walks, and does her little 'basset hound
happy-dance' every time I grab the lead!  I have two water bottles.. one at
work, and one at home.  I keep it filled and close by, and find I'm drinking
lots of water without even realizing it!  The other day I sat down with the
kids to play Horse-opoly.  And, last night I made about eight dozen cookies
with various flavors of chocolate chips!

And I answer the phone!  It got to where I'd check the caller ID... if it
was 'unknown', I didn't answer.  A number I didn't recognize, I didn't
answer.  Somebody I knew but didn't want to put forth effort to talk to.. I
didn't answer.  (Told you I wasn't much a friend!)  Now, I'm practicing not
even looking!  Just answer and be surprised!

I'm cleaning and scrubbing and throwing away junk.  To me, that seems
cleansing even to my soul... every piece of junk I toss from a closet feels
like one less piece of junk in my heart!  Corny?  Don't knock it, it's
working for me!!

And meanwhile, yes Maria, my jeans feel loser!  I have no scale.  I don't
know what I weighed a couple of weeks ago, nor what I weigh now.  But I do
know that I seem lighter, and I *know* that my heart is.  Every day, is just
one more day to add to the tally of days on the 'happy' side.  I am working
hard to think more positive, about myself, and all those around me.  I'm
working to mend relationships worth mending, or if not worth that, than at
least not making them more destructive.  I'm branching out my interests,
looking actively for things to involve myself in and keep my hands busy.

It's slow.  It took a long time to slide down this far.  I don't imagine
I'll climb up this mountain in a month.  And all the months is really, is a
gauge for me.  Where will I be?  And will I be willing to go farther?

Every day is one more day.

Pam