TheBanyanTree: Giving Children Choices

[Pam North]

When my children were younger, I was *very* hip on the 'newest' ways to
raise them... you know, 'time-outs', 'that behavior is unacceptable',
etc....  And I read somewhere, that you should always give them choices.
This way they were part of the decision making.  When *I* was a child, I had
choices too.  Back then they were:  1)  Do what I say!, or 2) I'll beat the
crap out of you!!

Needless to say, I tried to give choices that were a little bit different
from that.  Like, 'Molly, you can wear this pink shirt, or the purple, but
those are your choices with those pants.'  Or, something like,  'Would you
rather have corn or green beans for dinner?'  That way, if they helped make
the choice, then they were more liable to OBEY!!!  :)

Since then, I've forgotten everything I knew.  My kids are more grown now
and self-sufficient.  They give *me* choices:  'Mom, you can go to the match
and see me, or stay home and you'll never know what I look like!'  Stuff
like that!!  I am a little out of practice with my child psychology skills!!


Last weekend, I babysit for Alan.  Lexi is four, and Abbi is three.  What a
friggin blast that was!!!  Little cute kids again to hug and cuddle!!

But Lexi was fighting a cough.  She has been, off and on, for a few weeks.
I went over to watch the Super Bowl, and I remember the big deal it was for
'dad' to try and give cough medicine.  Begging and pleading, and chance
after chance after chance!   Well, when 'dad' left on a date after giving me
instructions for medications, I knew that *I* wasn't going to play those
games!  Oh no!!  *I* would give choices!  (Too bad I forgot what choices to
give!)

Alan explained to me how to use the 'syringe-like' contraption to extract
the cough medicine from the bottle, showed me the little plastic cup to
squirt it into so she could drink it, and told me she *might* not like the
color, so sometimes he'd bribe her and add a drop of liquid motrin, the
light pink liquid, to 'change' the color.  He showed me the spoon to mix it
with, etc.  (I had ALL the details!)  He had set the kitchen timer, and told
me this was the dose for 4 o'clock.

He further explained, that at 10, she'd get another dose from a different
bottle.  Basically the same thing, he just alternated them.

Great.  I had the details.  I *had* raised two of my own after all, so I
wasn't the least bit concerned!!  He left, and we settled in for movies and
cheetos!  (Okay... I didn't touch the cheetos... GROSS!)

At four sharp, the timer over the oven went off, and I dutifully went in and
used the syringe to extract the medicine, squirted it into the little
plastic dosage cup, and called Lexi in to take her medicine.

She immediately balked!!!  She didn't *like* it; it was *yucky*; she didn't
want it!!!

I calmly sat her down and explained that she *had* to take her medicine!
She had a bad cough and her daddy had told me that she HAD to have it!!!
(*Always* blame somebody who's not there to defend themselves!)  I told her
that I knew it didn't taste that great, but just a swallow and it would be
all over with, and I'd give her some Gatorade to wash the taste away!  She
just kept shaking her head.

And I kept on explaining, and I gave her a choice!!  "Lexi, either take the
medicine sweetie, or you have to sit in this chair.  I can't let you run
around and play until it's gone."

So she sat in the chair.  The kitchen chair.  In the kitchen.  Positioned so
that she couldn't see the TV in the living room (which was a challenge since
their TV is about six feet long and viewable from down the street!)

That child sat there for an hour!!  Then she started to get a bit restless.
And wanted to get up from the chair.  Just inches at first, pushing her
luck, seeing if I'd notice.  So again, I calmly explained that she had to
take the medicine or sit in the chair, and if the wouldn't stay in the chair
then she had another choice:  I'd put her in bed.  She was sick, she
*needed* her medicine, her *daddy* had told me!!

The child opted for bed!!

It was about this time, that Maria showed up.  She'd come to town with Allan
(as prearranged before the big 'break up'), and after making sure they
weren't going to fist-fight (ok... that Molly wasn't going to throw
punches!), she came on out to hang with me a bit.  In case ya'll don't know,
Maria loves teenagers!  She is NOT all about the sweet little babies!!!  :)

So, while Lexi laid in bed (well mostly, I did catch her a couple of times
trying to play in her room but it was hard with my running pants that
swished when I walked so she usually had time to jump back into bed before I
got there!), and Abbi watched a movie in the living room, Maria and I sat in
the kitchen drinking hot tea and chatting.  And of course, I told her my
story.

By then it was almost SIX!!!!  This child was two hours past the dosage
time!!!

While explaining every detail to Maria, I included the part about the next
dosage from the other bottle, and how that would be due soon and she still
hadn't taken the first one, and then I had a brain storm!!!!!!!

She kept talking about the color of the medicine (like her dad had said she
might), and it dawned on me that perhaps the OTHER bottle held the medicine
whose color she more preferred!!  If she'd take *that*, then who cared about
alternating since right about then, my choice was NOTHING!!!!

So I called Lexi out into the kitchen.  And I poured a dosage (yes, I just
free-handed it!) from the second bottle into another little cup sitting by
the first one.

"Lexi, is *this* the color you like better?"

"No, I like that one."

"*THIS* one?", holding up the first pink cup....

"Yes."

And that child reached up, took the first cup, and drank it down!!!

My eyes were bugging out!  *Maria*'s eyes were bugging out!!!!!!

I had given this child the *wrong* choices!  She thought that pink wasn't
her favorite, right up until she saw it next to the purple she really didn't
like!

I gave her a swallow a Gatorade, praised her, let her go off to play, and
sat down and stared at Maria.  Who was staring at me!  And then we burst out
laughing!!

NEXT time, I'm gonna get this right!!

Pam