TheBanyanTree: The Incredibly Stupid Adventures of Me

[Monique]

My clients are trying to kill me. I'm certain of it. It's a plot. Last
week I couldn't find any of them - I'd call and get voicemail. I'd visit
and let myself in, and no one would be there. I'd look at my receivables
and wonder if they were all trying to skip out on me. 
 
They weren't, of course, and this week they've made up for it. The only
problem is, they make up for it all at once - everyone's available,
everyone's in the office, everyone's happy to give me money. All of this
is fine, but it means I have to talk with each of these clients too,
four and five a day. Which is okay, I suppose.
 
Wednesday was a typical day. First I had to tell a client the good news:
He didn't owe 20,000 in capital gains tax, only 18,000. (How does one
break news like that otherwise?) Went to his home and had him sign
papers so I could get his tax return for him. And when I later set out
on the day's adventures I had every intention of completing everything
on my list of things to do. 
 
First I went to Newcastle to pick up a credit card imprinter someone was
donating. I'd never been there and didn't know that the streets were
arranged in a hide-and-seek manner - the kind of streets that stop and
start abruptly so one must figure out how to get to the other end
without driving through forest. Managed that somehow - and also picked
up a printer for our executive director that was being given away.
 
Then proceeded south to Kent. That's about an hour away from me, so I
try to avoid rush hour traffic. However, rush hour traffic is from 6 am
through 9 pm, so I was pretty much in it anyway. Picked up tax return in
Kent, and proceeded north to Woodinville, making a pit stop at the bank
along the way to deposit the previous day's checks.
 
The teller said I'd added my deposit incorrectly. I said, "whatever,"
and initialed it and left. (Later, when checking my account online, I
saw that I had been right after all, and she was wrong, and it'd been
changed back to what I'd had - which was quite reassuring, since people
PAY me to do this and if I can't even do it right for myself . . . )
 
Stopped in at another client's, did some work, collected some cash, paid
some bills (his, not mine), and did my normal thing. Left for Seattle,
which involved driving back down the same freeway I'd just driven north
on, then over the lake. The traffic indicator over the freeway let me
know it'd take me 23 minutes to get from one side of the lake to the
other. 
 
They lied. It took me 23 minutes to get to the lake itself. Why, at 6
pm, is everyone driving TO Seattle? Shouldn't they be driving AWAY?
 
So I was just a bit late. My clients are tolerant. 
 
Did my work, talked to the client, and departed.
 
It was raining when I left. Got in my car, started driving away, the
rain started more, I got on the freeway, and then the windshield wipers
broke. Swerved a bit in trying to locate the next exit, missed the one I
wanted because I couldn't get all the way to the right fast enough
(well, not without taking a few other cars with me), left the freeway,
maneuvered my way into a dark deserted parking lot, and sat there.
 
Got out of the car. I'm not exactly a genius when it comes to
malfunctioning vehicle parts. Looked at the windshield wipers. There was
definitely something wrong with them. I couldn't tell what because it
was dark, but they were flopping around on the windshield like dying
fish. This is not an effective way to disperse water. In fact, it
doesn't work at all.
 
I sat and pondered my next move. And waited for the rain to stop.
Fortunately I had a couple bags of old clothes in the trunk that someone
had given me (everywhere I go, people give me things) so I could clean
off the windshield. 
 
When the rain let up I drove away. Only to discover that it had only
stopped raining in my parking lot, not in the rest of Seattle. By the
time I figured that out I was back on the freeway. The next exit was
where the new Office Max is going in. Seemed like a good time to stop in
and see if I could get the software I've been meaning to buy and wait
for the rain to stop. 
 
It's very dark at night in Seattle. And rainy. 
 
Found the Office Max and parked in the ground floor parking garage.
Office Max is not open yet. Not that one, anyway. So there I am, in this
almost underground parking garage, with a car with broken windshield
wipers, with a wad of cash in my pocket that a previous client had given
me. I was ripe for being robbed. I was right there, just waiting for
someone to come along. Yup. I was a crime statistic just waiting to
happen.
 
I walked around the building. I hung around wondering what to do next. 
 
Then I looked at the windshield wipers again. This time there was light,
so I could see. I found broken little parts of windshield wiper. The
little doohickeys that hold the wiper TOGETHER had both broken off. Both
of them. 
 
I tried sticking them back on. It kinda worked, but as soon as I started
driving or using them, I was sure they'd fall right off again.
 
I resorted to ingenuity. In my car I carry a lint roller because I have
a dog who sheds excessively, despite all my entreaties to just stop it.
I used the lint roller tape to tape the little doohickeys to the
windshield wiper. I cleaned the windows with my cast-offs in the trunk,
and I tried them out. No one was more amazed than I that they actually
worked. No telling how long that would last of course, but still, it was
a start.
 
I drove out of the parking garage to find that while I'd been fixing the
wipers, the rain had stopped.
 
That was okay too, because halfway home it started raining again.
 
Made it back to my hometown of origin without hardly using the
windshield wipers at all (works better to just let the rain fall on
there and dry off by itself), then decided as long as I was out to visit
my local Office Max. 
 
The software was no longer on sale. 
 
Looked for other stores to shop at, but it looked as if everyone else
was closing for the night. So instead I went and bought groceries.
 
Stumbled into the apartment and asked the dog what she'd been up to -
turned out she'd been sleeping all day. Lucky dog.
 
Lint Rollers - the new duct tape.
 
Monique