TheBanyanTree: Rules of the Game

[Maria Gibson]

Man, do I have a lot to learn about being a chick.  I mean, I've been 
this gender for quite some time now but it has taken putting life as I 
know it at terminal risk to know what I didn't know about being part of 
the female culture.  It seems that there are lessons waiting around 
every corner and some of them have very sharp teeth with which to bite 
my ankles when they catch up to me.  These lessons will be one day be 
fodder for my memoirs; some of them are painful but still learnable.   
I'm sure there must be a boy code out there, an unwritten manual by 
which men must conduct themselves in order for the continued harmony of 
male cohesiveness.  Even if there isn't, I know for sure there is for us. 

I didn't think I actually broke a rule, but the penalty was called none 
the less.  It doesn't matter that I don't know the rules to this game 
and it makes no difference that I don't even watch from the sidelines 
for sport in my normal existence.  The flag has been thrown onto the 
field, the whistle was blown and the other team stands with jaw wide at 
my blunder.  I don't know that I can fix it even if I knew where to 
begin or what tools to bring to the job.  I am very saddened that it 
happened but it was unintentional.  I know that doesn't make it better 
but I hope it counts for something.  Whether or not it ultimately does 
isn't even up to me. 

No one is harder on me than I am on myself.  There are many aspects of 
my current frame of mind that I am very aware are quite wrong.  I don't 
give myself quarter for it and I don't expect that from other people, 
either.  I know that the lapse of some judgments will make others doubt 
any of my judgments.  This along with so much more is the price I am 
paying and will continue to pay for choosing to live on the edge.  I 
don't blame anyone but myself for this but there is still a part of me 
just aching to be known as the person for which I have always been 
known.  The more intimate parts that I have put at risk seem separate to 
me but I know by intellect that it will all be mixed and mired for most 
other people.  Who is to say who is more right?

I live my life in an upfront manner that has sometimes, and I'm sure 
will continue, to make some things difficult.  Not everyone can abide by 
blunt force honesty not to mention the fact that I am often not very 
good at delivering it.  So I find myself misunderstood these days and 
without a lot of emotional energy left to go through the effort of 
explaining what I mean.  I want to just lie back and let whatever people 
will think make them do whatever they will do. We all have a choice when 
presented with information.  But, in this case, it is worth the effort 
to try and explain.  It is worth the effort to make amends to my own 
detriment trying to prove that the perception of my mistake was not 
intentional and to my perception didn't happen the way it was taken.  
Because I may not know all the rules and I may have a suck ass way of 
trying to put words to my thoughts but I know I love my friend.  By 
following some inherent instincts I think I can find a way to start the 
clock again and continue play.

The cramps and limps will work themselves out.  I hope.

Maria