TheBanyanTree: Accepting Who I Am

[Pat Martin]

It's been about six weeks since I weaned myself off anti-depressants, and I've been going downhill steadily.  From frequent tears, feeling lost and directionless, to agitation and racing thoughts, it has not been a pleasant ride.  Thank goodness for the periods of normality.

My best friend had the courage to tell me she and some other friends were concerned for me.  They wanted to help but didn't know how.  It took hearing it from someone else to confirm for me that my life isn't working without medication.  I'm going back to the doctor for a prescription.  

I don't like that there is no test to say exactly what is wrong when there are mental/emotional health issues; I don't like that it is a matter of trial and error before the 'right' medication is found.  I've tried several anti-depressants over the past 15 years but have never been completely satisfied.  

Having a chemical imbalance in my brain does not please me but I must accept it.  Numerous relatives on both sides of the family tree have suffered from depression.  Addictions, too, are a family legacy.  I am grateful that I do not have to contend with them on top of my mood disorder.

I've walked this road of despair before, and I know what to do to get well.  Exercise is the one activity that gives me a real boost so I have committed to exercise classes 3 times a week as well as getting out for walks as often as weather permits.  I'll use my treadmill when it doesn't.  I am joining a weekly ladies support group.  I've booked an appointment with a naturopathic physician who will check my vitamin and mineral levels and may recommend supplements.  And I'm not going to isolate myself; I will continue with my volunteer work at the library, the Health Unit and flu clinics.  

I'm not a failure and I'm not weak.  I can say, "I have a problem," and I can fix it.  

Pat