TheBanyanTree: Dysfunctional Convergence

[Gail Richards]

That's what the Spousal Unit calls it when he and his four sisters get
together in one place.  This time it's Mother's Day.

Actually, the siblings all seem to get along with each other when they're
together.  It's Mother who drives everybody crazy.  See.  They aren't
supposed to talk to each other.  It's HER day and they are gathered to
celebrate HER and what's wrong with THEM that they don't bow down and kiss
her ass!

Yesterday evening, for example.  There were eight people in the room.  The
five siblings, one male spouse, me and Mother.  There must have been three
different conversations happening.  I heard a >siiighghghgh< and when I
looked for the source (which I subconsciously already knew because I've
heard it before) Mother was sitting there with a blank look on her face and
tears dripping off her chin. (This is known in the family as "Mother's
Slunch")  We won't know the reason for this until later, but it's happened
before.  Nobody was including her in their conversation.

We used to think these tearful outbreaks were caused because she couldn't
hear and it all just turned into noise and she felt isolated and left out.
(Cecil, you have an idea what this is like, don't you?)  But after Father
died, we made her get her hearing tested and got her some hearing aids.  So
we know it's not her hearing this time.

And she's always been one for "stirring the pot".  She'll tell Daughter One
something about Daughter Four (and it's usually some juicy gossip that
Mother made up), then turn around and tell Daughter Four that Daughter One
told Mother the juicy gossip.  At this point, Mother will now sit back and
watch the fireworks because she knows that Daughter Four is not only going
to confront Daughter One, but will also tell Daughter Two, Daughter Three
and Brother that Daughter One is a conniving bitch who should be sacrificed
to Satan in a Black Mass.  When Daughter Four finally figures out that
Mother was the source of the lie and confronts her with it, Mother says,
"WHO told you I said that?"  "Why would I say that?" and "Whoever told you
that must be the source of the lie because I would NEVER say such a thing!"

Sometimes she looks a lot like Alfred E. Newman.  "Who, me?"

You would think that after all these years Daughter Four would have figured
this out, but she's the baby of the family (and 50 years old) and may as
well have "Gullible" tattooed on her forehead in fancy Gothic script.  She
has been dubbed "News of the North".  "News" because she's the one to turn
to to find out what's going on with whom in the farthest reaches of the
family.  ( My Aunt Carol is the News in my family.) "North" simply because
she lives farther north than anyone else in the family.  If you have a
secret, you DON'T want her to find out!!

Daughter Three is the one I like the best.  She's the most normal and we
seem to have more in common.  We share our daughters with each other.  Right
now (and for the last six years), she has custody of Shelby in Reno.  This
way, I don't have to worry about Shelby so much because I know that she'll
have her Auntie to turn to with problems or such.  Her ex-husband (my
Brother-in-law-in-law) was murdered a few years back and I still don't think
she's over it.

Daughter Two is a fun person to be around, but she's also the psycho in the
family.  Deep-seated emotional problems and multiple personality disorder.
One conversation with her and I'm ready for a nap!!  There are SEVEN people
in that head of hers!

Daughter One is the oldest at 57.  I didn't used to like her because she was
constantly trying to shove her religion on me.  She has mellowed through the
years and even developed a pretty good sense of humor.  I can actually spend
time with her without gritting my teeth and getting a headache.

Of course there's Brother...my Spousal Unit.  They call him Obie which is
just another way of saying O.B. which is short for "Other Brother".  His
name is Darryl, you see.  Remember The Bob Newhart Show?  "Hi!  I'm Larry
and this is my brother, Darrell, and this is my other brother, Darryl."
He's the one they all turn to for advice.  And help.  And he made the
mistake of accepting Power of Attorney from Mother so he could help her keep
track of her money.  Mother has accused him of all sorts of things in the
year and a half since his father died.  He's not a patient man (he says),
but she's his mother and she's eighty-four years old and he's going to do
everything he can to make sure her last years are secure so she can say
whatever she wants to whoever she wants he won't let it bother him.  He goes
through about a bottle of aspirin a week.

So.

The Dysfunctional Convergence.

I'll be spending the day with MY mom tomorrow.

Just the two of us because all four of my brothers are too far away and too
feeble to get here.

I guess we are all dysfunctional in one way or another.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers.  Oh, and all of you fathers who
act as mothers, too.

L&H
Gail