TheBanyanTree: Random Pity Party

[Monique Young]

And you're invited, but feel free to decline this invitation. You have
been warned. 
 
Sometimes I wonder if I can ever trust anyone again. What for? To what
end? Leave me alone, I want to tell everyone, when the last thing I want
is to be alone. But I can't ask for anymore than I already have. I ask
for too much. I'm over my head, I'm drowning in deep water, and all I
want is to be safe without having to rely on anyone. But I can't. I
can't be by myself, alone and self-reliant. And why not? 
 
I don't know why not. But I can't. And I can't trust anyone else to be
there for me either. In the end, I am certain, everyone is looking for
something better. I won't be left again, I tell myself, and people tell
me, "who ever left?" My ex says that, always in denial about who left
whom when. He left first, he fell in love with others while I was right
there, trying to support him in his illness. Betrayal sucks. My first
husband chose to drink instead of be married. He says I left him, which
I did, but he checked out first. It wasn't right anyway - I was too
young, we weren't together for the right reasons. I dated someone who
told me men are always looking for something . . . different. I don't
think that's true, not for all of them certainly, but I now believe that
anyone who is with me will be. 
 
I imagine my bf coming to me and saying he met someone else, though he's
not like that at all. He'd break it off first. 
 
When my ex became ill my life fell apart. And my friends, some of them,
disappeared. Not disappeared entirely, but they kept their distance. I
understand - people don't know what to say, it's out of their realm of
experience, but some of them were very good friends, and I felt as if
they had left me too. What did I have left?
 
I drive people away. That must be it. If I send a greeting to my mother
she responds and says she's been thinking of me, but she won't call.
She'll only email me if she hasn't heard from me for, oh, weeks and
weeks. We used to IM, but she was rude, she'd disconnect in the middle
of a conversation without saying she was leaving, because her husband
wanted to use the phone, and that was unacceptable to me. It takes a
second to type, "gotta go, bye," or just . . ."bye," instead of leaving
someone sitting there waiting for a response. So she doesn't IM me
anymore. She hasn't called me in many years. My father doesn't call me.
Ever. My brothers, my sister, never. Friends? Rarely. And I? I call no
one. I have phone phobia. No one wants to talk to me on the phone. If
anyone calls me I probably don't answer, because I don't know what to
say on the phone, and I sound stupid. And slow. Verrry slow. Very bad at
conversation, that's me. I talk to my boyfriend on the phone. I talk to
my ex on the phone. I talk to clients on the phone, but even then I
email if possible instead of calling, except for a few that I like to
call. There are those. I can talk to my older sister on the phone, if I
call her. She won't call me because she doesn't think to. My brothers?
No way. No talking. They'll barely, very barely, respond by email. My
ex-mother-in-law IM's me frequently. Just today we IM'd while, at the
same time, I IM'd with my ex. In fact, she was asking me questions about
his current condition which I found the answers to by asking him, then
relaying information to her, weeding out what would have been not
received well. The surreal part of the entire episode was that the two
of them were in the same house in California at the time, while I'm two
states away. Sometimes I'm the interpreter, and then I'm not sure if I'm
me or just doing a job. Even by IM I'm just trying to solve people's
problems. If you don't have a problem, no use talking to me. I'm useless
other than that.
 
I avoid the phone, I avoid people calling me and wanting to talk
because, really, what have I got to say that's of any interest to
anyone? Nothing. I was told, often, when I was growing up, that I had
nothing interesting to say so I might as well stay quiet. So I did. 
 
Sometimes I'm not like this. Sometimes I'm almost, well, almost
gregarious. Not quite, but almost. Sometimes, often, I'm confident that
I'm not completely socially inept, or at least, if I am socially inept,
I at least possess a modicum of . . . something that makes me bearable.
Other times I think that what makes me socially inept is insurmountable.
 
I don't know. When I'm alone, like right now, I don't know what to do
with myself. I ought to just get to work and forget about it. And I
will. But sometimes I just want someone to hang out with me, have a few
drinks, and talk about nothing. Normal people do that, right? I don't
know how. Sometimes I know how. I know that. But right now - I feel like
I don't know how, and if I did know how, I wouldn't know who to call. 
 
So I'll walk the dog now. Then I'll go pick up my bf at the airport. The
pity party will be over. None of this makes sense, I suppose, because I
can't articulate it well, I can't say what I want to say. It's a common
problem, and not just for me. Don't call me. It just goes to voicemail
because I'm terrified of the phone. I appreciate it when people do call
me though, I really do. Those of you who have called me and gotten my
stupid voicemail, know this: your call meant more to me than I can ever
tell you.
 
M