TheBanyanTree: Dear friends of Bags........

[Maria Gibson]

One would not think that reading about someone throwing away an old purse and
buying several cute new ones would be one of those self analyzing,
introspection-inducing moments that throws one for a complete loop. 

As is often the case, Julie is in touch with me and not only found the heart of the matter but massaged it and comforted its quaking flesh.  Oh, this fragment of the picture can surely inspire a lot of discussion and debate.  It isn't about the purse just liking losing weight isn't about the food.  Who we are as women and individuals is as much a part of who others think we are and what we think of their thoughts as it is about how we perceive ourselves.  Perhaps it shouldn't be.  Maybe there should come a time when we can open up and be three or a hundred kinds of woman in one body without fear of reprisal from our sisters.  Or, maybe it is the fear of self reprisal that is more frightening than anything anyone else could dish out.

This has been one of the most complicated parts of the maze I find 
myself in these days.  I try to separate who I am from who I want to be 
from who others think I am.  This isn't light work and does come with 
hazards.  Like Julie encountering someone who wondered as to why she 
would wear makeup, lately there have been times I have been lined up 
against the wall for judgment and, yeah, I didn't come out a winner in 
someone's mind.  But how many times have I placed myself against that 
very same wall and how many times have I made judgments far more harsh 
than even my jury of peers?  It has been far too many times, I think.  
There is only one way and one person who has any chance in hell of 
changing any of that.  Me. I have to do it and I have to do it with the 
full knowledge that I may upset someone's apple cart and I have to make 
that consequence ok in my mind.

You know, I don't want to do these things; going against the grain, 
swimming upstream, reaching out and finding me, without some thought.  I 
don't want it misunderstood that we need to run willy nilly into 
oncoming traffic just because we have the urge to do so.  This isn't 
about a crash course in danger or a suicide mission.  It is simply about 
taking off blinders that would not, could not, be there if we didn't 
either stand still for them to be put on or put them on ourselves.  I 
want to talk about it and see how others take it, I want to get 
opinions, agreeing and disagreeing.  I want to be more of an open book 
and then be brave enough to be still; be still long enough to be read.  
I have to be willing to risk that some will read only the jacket cover 
and dismiss me as tabloid material but have faith that those who love me 
will read cover to cover and go back and highlight the good parts on the 
second reading.   I am inviting myself to be explored and, right now, 
can't have it any other way.

I don't need permission to do these things or an embrace just because it 
is what I want.  I want to know I can dance around the shins like an 
excited puppy and maybe even pee on the floor because I'm so happy that 
my audience is happy to listen.  Beyond that I have to let go of the 
need to be accepted by others.  I have found that when there has been 
tension, it isn't usually about me, anyway.  It is usually about the 
other person.  If I have challenged myself, they wonder if I am 
challenging them.  If I have decided for me that something is no longer 
right, they wonder if I think it is no longer right for anyone or if I 
will think they are wrong not to change.  Or, and this is the part that 
even though I don't understand it, I actually do; they are not 
interested in holding me up but would rather bring me down.  If I stay 
static then they will not have to wonder what needs to be changed about 
them.  I can't say that I completely blame folks for their unease, 
either.  I took something they knew and turned it into something that no 
one knows, sometimes even I don't know, and now some feel they have to 
start all over again.  It's ok by me.  I'm here for the taking and the 
giving and the receiving from now to eternity.  Because no matter the 
volcanic emotions and the outer changes, it's still Maria in here.  Know 
that this is still me and all of this was in here all along, I just was 
never before willing to share and explore like I am now.  I wasn't 
willing to risk getting lost and so never ventured forth like I am now.  
In fact, I don't even have a compass or map but I'm leaving anyway.

We aren't selling out to go on these excursions; we're branching out and 
developing ever broader views, more open minds and expanded horizons.  I 
think we can wear makeup and still love the environment.  I believe we 
can show up at a demonstration of the war with a cute purse and still be 
in tears for the loss.  I am sure that you and I and all of us can do 
what we need to do for ourselves without shortchanging anything or 
anybody else.  I believe in my heart that I am no less a mom while 
wearing snug baby hooker jeans cradling my behind, giant earrings 
dangling and jingling and a nearly see-through blouse on my back than I 
would be in plain kakhis or jeans or a three piece suit or yoga gear or 
a long dress and a wreath of flowers in my hair.  I may not be 
everyone's picture of a mom but that won't make me not one.  Sure, I'm a 
mom trying on her sex.  I'm a mom who is currently more aware of herself 
than ever before and this can only be a good thing for my children.  
This time, for me, is no less tumultuous, anxious and hormonal than when 
I did something similar in my preteen and teen years.  I just have 
enough life experience to have the forethought to enjoy it this time and 
not be so afraid of the changes.  It is a Good Thing.

Shed your big purses, ladies, if that's your heart's desire!  Wear 
makeup or not, adore cute shoes and purses or pass them by without 
notice.  Collect flip flops, climb mountains, be practical, be 
whimsical, be them both at the same time.  Add a belt, make sure your 
clothes and deodorant didn't come at animal or planet expense, if that's 
important to you.  Spend some time shopping and then go to the PTA and 
then cook and then meet friends for dinner just because you want to.  
When worrying what you're selling out, be sure to add your name to the 
top of that list.  Don't forget your passionate self, the one who loves 
and has the capability to love even more.  She has been and always will 
be through the ages, with you.

Do it all, do it often and have no regrets.  Strive to be the person you 
would have yourself be and screw the others.

Maria