TheBanyanTree: The Banyan Tree: This Business of Grieving

[Pam North]

Yesterday marked the One Month Anniversary of the death of my friend
Diane's husband, 'Miller'.  It was also what would have been his 47th
birthday.

On the day he died, her brother-in-law lowered the flag hanging in
their yard to half mast.  And Diane made the command decision to have
her own flag etiquette, and leave it that way until his birthday.  So
yesterday morning I woke myself up extra early to be at her house
before 0600 when she had to leave for work, so that we could,
together, raise the flag back up.

It was another emotional moment in a month of a billion!  Between them
they had five children, two cats, and a five-month old Golden
Retriever puppy.  Their oldest son is off and in the Navy, their
oldest daughter graduated high school the day before he died and is
leaving for the Air Force in a couple of months.  The two next
daughters are in high school, and the youngest son is in middle
school.

Through the years, we've crossed paths all over town during all kinds
of events...  athletics, band, PTO, community projects.  We have
always considered ourselves 'friends' and shared dozens of stolen
smoke breaks wherever we happened to be.  And they live about a block
from my house.  But I had only been to her house a couple of times,
quickly, and I don't think she'd ever been to mine.

This last month has changed it all.  We don't even knock on each
other's doors anymore.  We email, call, chat several times a day, she
gives me updates on the latest status of so many things a 'widow' has
to take care of, and I try to make it a point to be close by for
whatever comes up.  In the most caring, friendly fashion, I have just
'fallen in love' with this woman, and can't imagine how we were ever
not this close.

And so yesterday morning, we shared the business of flag raising in
the early morning rain.  It didn't show promise of being a very happy
day for anyone.

The night before her youngest daughter Sammi Jo had asked me if I'd
take her to the cemetery and I'd told her of course, that I'd call
after work.  Which is exactly what I did.  I drove to the house and it
was full of kids...  Summer break in the rain and they were looking
for entertainment.  But nobody else wanted to go with us.  The two
older girls wanted to go alone, and Zach didn't want to go at all.

Sammi picked a red rose from their bush out front, and we went by my
house to cut a pink one from my bushes as well.  I guess we both felt
that we had to have a flower for his grave.

The rain had continued all day, so we trudged across the 'unused' part
of the cemetery to the far side where Miller was buried close by the
nearest tree.  The grass hasn't even started to grow over yet, and
there's still no headstone marker so only a small metal sign with his
name and dates of birth and death marks his 'plot'.

The wreath of silk flowers from his children is still there, and one
of the kids had placed a small figure of Baba Fett from their Burger
King kid's meal (I think there was a private joke in that) under his
marker.  Sammi and I stood our roses up on each side of the toy.  And
then she wished her dad a Happy Birthday, and started crying.  Bless
her heart... she walked around to where I was so I could hold and hug
her.  And cry myself.  I've found that I can handle Diane's tear a
whole lot better than the kids'.  It just breaks my heart.

When we'd walked up I'd noticed a mark on his grave in the dirt that
almost looked like a footprint.  Well evidently it was bothering her
as well and she asked about it, so I handed off the umbrella and knelt
down to play in the mud.  I got it all evened out and she said she was
ready to leave.  How fortunate that the car was parked by one of the
dozens of huge puddles on the drive and I was able to wash my hands
before getting in the car.

The cemetery has a long drive down the center separating the two
'sides', and you're supposed to keep driving to the woods where there
is a very *small* turnaround.  Most vehicles need to stop and do a
three-point turn to get around the little circle.  During the funeral
I'd followed several other cars and we just made a bigger circle out
into the grass, but I decided not to chance getting stuck in the muck,
so I did a three-pointer myself.

At which point Sammi started voicing her desire to drive.  She just
got her permit a few weeks ago (after just missing enough questions to
be able to pass! - on her second try!!), and she was wanting the
practice.   The only car the family owns small enough for her to feel
comfortable driving (and with an automatic transmission) is the one
mostly 'owned' by her sister.  She doesn't get much wheel time.  So,
for a few minutes, we discussed insurance and permits.  The law says
she *must* have it in her possession.  She didn't.  And she's not
insured to drive my car.

Oh well.  Some rules you just gotta break, and together we chose to
break those.  I put the car in Park and we switched places.  As I was
closing the door she said, "And we can't tell my mom!".  Well!  I sure
didn't agree to that!  OF COURSE I'd tell her mom!  We'd have a great
laugh!  Well.. as long as we didn't have any kind of accident.  I told
Sammi if *that* happened, I wouldn't tell!  She worried that her mom
would be mad and I told her, "Blame me!".  I ain't skared!!

And I hated driving with permitted Sammi as much as I hate it with my
own permitted daughter!  First of all, just being on the right side is
weird, but it just makes me seem that much closer to mailboxes and
trees on that side and I find myself worrying about running off the
road or hitting something.  It's an illusion I know.  And I have to
focus on *not* being nervous!  I ain't skared!!

We made it home unscathed, and I was happy that I'd given her
something to do to distract her from her pain.

I dropped her at her house and then went to mine.  My friend Randy (my
could-be-a-romantic-interest-but-there-are-issues 'friend') had called
my cell and told me he was coming by and bringing me a 'surprise'! 
He'd been waiting for the rain to let up all day to go work, and since
it hadn't, he'd busied himself making venison chili to bring over for
dinner!

And shortly after he got there and was reheating it up, Diane called
on her way home, just a few miles out.  So I told her to come on by.

She didn't end up going home until almost ten!  I offered her a beer,
but she doesn't drink them.  And she doesn't 'do' vodka that I had on
hand either (that was Miller's choice).  She only wanted whiskey.  So
I called Sammi and asked her to grab a bottle and meet Molly halfway
with it so I could fix Diane a drink.

Sammi just came all the way though and hung out with Molly while we
'adults' talked.  And shared my "Coffee Shooters" that I'd made the
night before with the recipe from my pal Dee!  We decided they were
delicious! and had wild conversation about the can of whipped cream!

Eventually we ate some chili (Diane picked the beans out of hers and
gave them to Randy), and we laughed, and even cried.  We sat on the
bar stools, we took turns laying on the couch and sitting on the
floor.  I rubbed Diane's feet, and then Randy showed her how it feels
to have a really neat hardly-touching-fingers-light-rub-on-
the-soles-of-your-feet rub.  We voted his better.  And we talked about
sex, or the lack thereof!  We talked about loving and losing and what
happens next.  We traded a couple of 'Miller' stories, and a few more
from the past.

And then Molly and Sammi came in and requested a ride to the pharmacy
to buy dye for Molly's hair.  She's wanted to get it dyed red for a
couple of weeks, and she's even been carrying around a photo from some
magazine with a chick with the hair color she wants.  Meanwhile, Sammi
had - coincidently - done hers last weekend.

But none of the adults felt like driving anywhere, so finally, we gave
Molly permission to drive them (literally!) around the corner to the
store.  With only a permit and no licensed driver in the vehicle, it
was another rule we were breaking.  But cripes!  The child will have
waited the prerequisite twelve months and be getting her "real"
license next month, so it seemed like a pretty okay decision!

Too bad the store didn't have what they were looking for.  They came
home empty handed and said they were gonna go to Wal-mart - twenty
miles away!  Oh no... I made the decision to break the rule for a
half-mile, but I couldn't do it for that many!  So the girls conned
Diane's oldest daughter to take them (with promised gas money!).  And
off they went.

To kill time amongst ourselves, we had a couple more shooters and
talked some more about life - ours and anybody else's we thought
about!

And eventually Randy went home.  He had a dog waiting to go outside
and he'd been gone from home for hours.  And speaking of dogs! 
Diane's puppy was still at home!  And my dog was lonely!  So I drove
the block and picked up Beau and brought him back, much to Hannah's
chagrin!  Oh she thinks he's fun and all!, but!  He is constantly
walking three-legged with the fourth thrown over her back!  They
wrestle and fight and slobber on each other, and chase each other
around.  They are great, cheap entertainment!


When the girls came home with Molly's dye, Diane got to the business
of applying it for her.  When she immediately dropped a blob of bright
red-orange goo on the living room carpet, they decided to take their
task into the kitchen on the linoleum, and I decided to break out the
carpet steamer and clean the mess!  We did finally get it down to a
*very* light pink smear.  Oh well.  Diane was stressing about it, but
I walked her around and showed her ink stains and bleach marks and she
relaxed about the whole thing.

We've gotten through the death and funeral, Father's Day a week later,
and now his birthday.  I figure there are only about twenty or thirty
more "firsts without him" to get through.  So far, it's not getting
any easier.

This is a nasty business here, this business of grieving.

Pam