TheBanyanTree: For Better or Worse

[Margaret R. Kramer]

I’m home, safe and sound, from my business trip with my team lead.  I don’t
work directly for her, but she is the guide and coordinator of our piece of
the project.  I’m a business analyst, so I do work as an administrative
person for her as well as the person who communicates in business language
the technical requirements of the project to our client.

It was a good trip, but a stressful one for me, since this was my first
time, and I didn’t have a good handle on what was expected of me.  I was
worried about my relationship with Vicki.  She’s very controlling, a
perfectionist who isn’t perfect, moody, and tries to keep everything to
herself.  That is just in the office.  God only knew what she would be like
on a business trip!

Most of my worst fears were confirmed on this trip.  She is all the above
and it’s only intensified when I had to spend 24/7 with her.  I try to be a
laid back and happy-go-lucky person in public situations and I think most
people sense that I’m easy to get along with.  But I also feel my
personality is a beacon to certain people who ultra-controlling and at the
same time, very insecure with themselves, and they try to project the worst
part of their personalities onto me.

The problem comes is when these ultra-controlling find out that there’s a
limit with me.  After a certain point, I will not be pushed around or be at
their beck and call.  I’m not the marshmallow they think I am.  When they
find that out, then their balloon bursts, the party’s over, and they begin
to have a tantrum.

Vicki weighs around 300 pounds.  She has many of the same habits that my
ex-husband did, who weighed 400 pounds.  She constantly obsesses about food.
We went to the grocery store after we got in town and she bought tons of
crackers and candy and cookies.  We had to stop at the store the next night,
and she again bought lots of “junk food.”  What happened to the food she
bought the night before?  Did she eat it all?

Vicki is what I call a “public eater.”  She goes to great lengths not to eat
a lot in public situations.  For example, she skips breakfast, yet wraps all
the uneaten food up in a napkin and stuffs it in her purse.  Then she eats
it at a later time, so doesn’t really “skip” breakfast.  My ex-husband used
to do that.  I would find wrapped food in his jacket, in his pants pockets,
everywhere.  And he would actually eat it, even if it was really old.  Yuck!

Vicki will order a salad and soup for lunch, eat light for dinner, but I
would bet my house that she would go back to her hotel room and gorge
herself on the crackers, cookies, and candy.  People don’t weigh 300 pounds
because they “eat light.”

She will spend 20 minutes or more driving up and down the road trying to
decide where to eat.  What difference does it make where we have lunch?
Vicki is not a connoisseur of food by any means, yet she acts like picking
the “right” restaurant is the most important thing in the world.  Then when
she finally does decide, she doesn’t like the restaurant and spends the
entire meal complaining about the food, the service, etc.  Again, shades of
my ex-husband.

Vicki wore her coat most of the time and I couldn’t figure it out.  Why
would she wear an extra layer of clothing?  It wasn’t cold.  Then it dawned
on me.  She wore the coat when she ate.  It was like a bib, because Vicki
dribbles her food down her front and the coat protects her clothes from
being stained.  My ex-husband’s shirts were always caked with food, because
I think with the bigger trunk and arms, it’s difficult to get the range of
motion needed to have the spoon get into the mouth.

And it’s the mood swings.  One minute she is almost giddy and the next
minute she won’t say a word.  Diabetic?  I don’t know.

I would also bet the house that she has sleep apnea.  Three out of the five
days we on our trip, she looked like hell.  She said she slept OK, but she
was always yawning and looked dog tired.  My ex-husband had sleep apnea,
too, and there were times he could barely function.

Then there’s the obsession of where to sit on the airplane.  She must have
spent two days on the internet trying to get the “right seat.”  I’m sure it
hurts her to sit in an armed chair for long periods of time and from what I
can tell, she’s at the verge of needing two seats to sit comfortably on a
plane, and that’s where this obsession comes from.  I feel like saying,
“Vicki, if you would try to lose some weight, you would fit into a seat and
it wouldn’t matter where you sit.”  But I know from my own frustrations with
being heavy and being married to a morbidly obese person, that doesn’t work.

The excess weight is the base of Vicki’s problems.  If she could lose 50,
75, or 100 pounds, she wouldn’t have the wild mood swings, she could wear
clothes that fit properly, have the ability to seat in an airline seat, and
I think not have the need to control, control, and control.  She would have
the self-confidence to let go and trust others.

Like me.  I had to bark at her a couple of times.  Trying to “talk” to her
is difficult, because she honestly doesn’t see that she has any problems
dealing with people.  She’s a great technician and she’s wonderful with the
client, but with her coworkers, that’s a different story.

We’re oil and water, but it’s like I told my own lead, Vicki is stuck with
me for better or worse, and I’m not going to be her patsy.  I’ll confront
her when necessary, but I’m not going to learn to get along with her, she
needs to learn how to get along with me.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net

http://www.polarispublications.com
Be a star!

http://www.bpwmn.org
Business and Professional Women of Minnesota

We loved with a love that was more than love.
--Edgar Allan Poe