TheBanyanTree: FB

[Maria Gibson]

I keep not wanting to write about the same old thing.  I am sick to 
death of me and my issues and my need to purge said freaking issues.  
And yet.  That's the phrase lately, the phrase that sums it all up.  You 
know what should be done, you know what's right.  You know what is 
expected and what was promised.  You know who you are expected to be.

And yet.

There is the person you really are.  There is the person *I* really am.  
Or....and yet, I keep searching for that which shouldn't even be on my 
mind let alone on the search radar.  I need search and rescue and 
yet....I just search.  Not really interested in rescue.

I recently learned what it is exactly I'm searching for, in a fashion.  
Not the untouchable meaning of life, even the meaning of mine; no this 
is the physical thing I have been hunting like a she wolf in heat.  It's 
pretty specific, this thing.  It has rules and a formula of sorts.  It's 
casual, yes, but not without thought, not for me.  I have given it 
thought and I have weighed and considered the risks and outcomes, all of 
them.  Those outcomes are, for the most part, pretty unpleasant to think 
of....and yet.  There it is again, the part of me that is blind and 
calculating.  The part that says if I don't find this thing, have it 
from time to time, there are going to be other consequences that I don't 
want to consider any more than the primary ones.  They, too, will be 
unpleasant.  I'm pretty sure I'm rationalizing something somewhere.

At least there is a name for it now, for me.  I has calmed me some to 
have peeled this layer down.  It has made me realize that one of my 
options, the second one, was just not a good one at all.  In fact, only 
the original one is best.  But I know I feel it's best only because it's 
only one of two and I'm not really sure how to look elsewhere.  I feel 
that with time I'll have that corrected but it turns out I'm just not 
good at this sort of thing.

And yet.

Maria