TheBanyanTree: Fear and Creepy Crawlies

[LLDeMerlè]

I woke up feeling  really burdened today.  Went to the Hypnotherapist for
the pain thing and we didn’t get to hypnotherapy because I broke down.  I’m
trying so hard not to be fearful that I didn’t really know I was as fearful
as I am until I had to fight to stifle an honest-to God wail so fierce  I
thought my face would explode  I managed to hold it back, how I did, I will
never know.  I haven’t cried since my diagnosis, except a little mist here
and there when other people get scared, but apparently, their fear is
nothing compared to mine.  Me, who hates crying, loathes crying in front of
others, loathes appearing weak and girlie
I almost wailed like the banshee.
 
Thing is, even if you don’t think you are fearful or aren’t acting fearful
that doesn’t mean that the thug isn’t waiting for you behind the door,
whispering all kinds of nasty little things you can’t really hear and don't
want to hear which is why we never answer the door in the first place.
Still, the stomach turns into knots, the breathing turns quick and shallow
and when sleeping, it comes in nightmares, hideous ones of a threatening
relative setting large stones on my face.  For the record, I threatened to
bite his fingers off.
 
I feel like I am at the edge of a cliff with my toes hanging over.  I don’t
dare step off into fear because it appears there is no coming back.  I’m
afraid if I give in to fear that I will lose myself, forever.    Fear of the
fear is like almost worse than fear of
the weird new pains and feelings I
have in my legs which are frightening.  It feels like bugs are crawling
around inside my legs.  Some of them are stabbing, some are burning and some
are tickling.  If these new sensations are here to stay, how long before I
lose my mind?
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