TheBanyanTree: Who Am I?

[NancyIee at aol.com]

I am the boisterous little girl, dancing across the lawn in a dress, but 
barefoot. The dress was a gift from my grandma who would have me a lady, but I run 
barefoot by choice and leaning to her dismay. I capture chipmunks, protect my 
smaller brothers from neighborhood bullies by my tongue and my small fists. I 
ride a bike and climb trees, invade the boys' forts, and feel small when my 
grandma clucks her tongue hopelessly.

I am the mother with a houseful of chicks, learning as they learn, leaving 
the girl behind and becoming dutiful. Loving these small beings in spite of the 
frustrations, joining their play, and finding childhood lives on in the times 
we spend together. Flying kites and riding ponies, playing with puppies and 
fixing boo-boos and finding true joy in giggles and freckles.

I am the matron, looking on as granddchildren race the wind. I am the 
gardener who still prefers bouquets of dandilions to roses. Finding the friendships 
and history of my adult children more precious than gold. I am the voyeuer 
seeing myself in the young parents my children have become, feeling regrets for 
things undone and things done, but seeing it doesn't matter if one only does 
one's best.  I am the lonely one seeing my family from the distances of reality, 
knowing what my own mother must have felt as she watched my mother-play and 
the new centers of my life apart from hers.


I am the ancient one, getting weekly calls from the children, feeling left 
out even in the hearts of all my own projects. I am obsolete, and my hobbies 
only fill time. The young man and I are no longer racing the wind and discovering 
new ways to love. He has devised his own life as I raised the children, and 
we seem nations apart. I watch him leave, day after day, not going to work, but 
off to his own adventures. Somewhere during the decades, I was mother and he 
was someone else. I view the future as a lonely place and wonder just where I 
will fit, where I belong. I need the steady companionship and close friendship 
that somehow slipped through my fingers.

Yet, as I watch children play, I feel a childlike glee.  I envy youth as they 
explore ner relationships and possibilities, and find myself wondering if I 
could go back to school and learn a new trade.  I am child. I am youth. I am 
parent, still worrying.  I am grandmother delighting in a babe's antics.  I am 
old and tired for a moment, before another adventure tempts me to action.

I wonder, who I am.

NancyLee