TheBanyanTree: The Unfettered True Story Continues

[Monique]

It has occurred to me, on more than one occasion, that my writing may suck.
I chalk this up to my highly developed sense of insecurity, except when I'm
certain my writing sucks, at which time I chalk it up to my inability to
write. Coherent sentences are not, after all, as easy as they look, though
someday I hope to achieve one.
	Sometimes someone will say to me, or email me more likely, that they
want to read what I've written, and so I point them in the direction of the
diaries, since that is one of the current works in progress. And then I
never hear from them again. Ever. I'm not sure if it's because they decided
they weren't interested after all, they got busy and never got around to it,
they simply forgot, or they didn't like what they read and think my writing
sucks. Or they didn't know what to say. (My insecurity insists that if they
didn't know what to say to me after that it's because my writing sucks and
they don't want to say so.) 
	This is not an isolated instance. People who have stood up for me at
a wedding, people who are long time friends, people who are, yes, related to
me . . . and these are just the people I actually know. The ones I don't
know, the people I've never met who come across me here or there and want to
read . . . sometimes they're never heard from again. I rather expect that
from the general populace though, so it's no big deal. 
	And from my siblings I don't expect anything. Either they've never
bothered to read anything I've written, never gotten around to it, have read
it and don't understand it, or think it sucks . . . but they've certainly
never mentioned anything to me. (And I'm not likely to bring it up again,
fearing their indifference above all.) And friends who, when the issue of
the diaries comes up, suddenly must sign off or don't email back, who change
the subject rapidly and quickly, who are suddenly uninterested in what I
have to say, though they were once effusive in their praise, I figure
they're just disappointed. I'm not always funny. Big deal. 
	So maybe my writing sucks. I certainly don't expect everyone to like
it. As long as enough people to make it worthwhile. That'd be three. If just
three people like it, I'm happy. Of course, if I was a good writer, I could
sell to a large audience and that would be cool. But that would take a
bigger audience, wouldn't it?
	I must ponder this.
	Meanwhile, back at the ranch things are proceeding as planned, or
would be if there was anything resembling a plan around here. Jack has been
quiet lately, mostly because he's only a literary device and not a real
person, and everyone else, all the real people, have been cooperative, well
behaved, well mannered, and entertaining. Even the dog. She's not here right
now, she went back to her summer home this afternoon. It's not summer, but
that doesn't seem to bother her much. She's quite versatile, going here and
there and back again. As long as she's with one of us, she's happy, far as I
can tell. Her ability to communicate telepathically with me has been waning
lately, so I can't be certain. I have to just take her wagging tail as
evidence. (I don't really take her tail anywhere, since she's rather
attached to it.)
	Last week I went to a Halloween thing. Desperate business people
milling about in costumes in an attempt to indicate holiday cheer and
accessibility. I hung back in the shadows and took pictures for the Chamber.
It was easy to hang back in the shadows because the room was dark. The
hosting business had their offices for us to wander through, then a vacant,
unfinished room for food and festivities. Since the room was unfinished,
there were no lights. Except for a disco ball sitting in one corner and some
of the table decorations that were lighted. I'm not sure if any of my
pictures came out or not, I haven't received them from my photo processor .
. . (they're digital pictures, that's true, but still . . . ) 
	I didn't win for best costume. Yet, I had an excellent costume. Then
again, no one really knows me there. Yet, still. I didn't win the drawing
either. I won nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am sure that one of these days
I will win something though. It's bound to happen eventually, right? 
	Not that I need to win anything. Well, a million dollars would be
helpful, but I can probably get by without it. 
	Tomorrow I'll return to the diaries and see if I can get an entry
done. Just one. I'm hoping it doesn't suck, but if it does, it does, I'm
doing it anyway. So there.

Monique