TheBanyanTree: Commiseration....

[Sharon Mack]

Hi Caroline,

I've been out of the office for Thanksgiving so I just read your
message.

I don't know if this is what might be happening but I use to have this
type of thing with my grown kids, who I am very close to though we live
450 miles away.  I could never just "talk" about what might be bothering
me about things, my life, if I felt lonely or sad or if for the moment I
was angry at a twist in life or felt blue.  I am usually a cheerful
person more or less but S_ _ _ happens and, like you said, you just need
to get it out.  I finally figured out why they didn't want to hear from
me.....they thought I expected them to solve the problem...to make it
better..... and they felt frustrated because they had no answers for me.
 I almost choked on my sandwich (so to speak).....I explained that I
never expected a problem solving session, just an ear, a sounding board,
a shoulder to cry on if necessary.  Sometimes there are no
answers....it's was just something I was going through and I KNEW it was
temporary already but still needed to be able to TALK about it or CRY
about it or BITCH about it......FINALLY they got the message...what a
relief....it made all the difference in the world in our relationships,
but just in case, I always preface my remarks with a reminder that I am
not looking for answers here, I just want to vent....now, it's even a
two-way street.

Sharon

>>> <bluenosr at ns.sympatico.ca> 11/23/2004 7:00:34 PM >>>
I don't know about you, but I learned young not to complain, moan, 
gripe, or otherwise bitch about things.  It wasn't polite.

Gradually, I learned you could do this under certain circumstances.  
For example, when talking with like-minded people also griping.  You 
know, like the cost of gas going up... whatever.

And I learned there were certain people, not many, who accepted your 
winge-ing, let you tell it as you see it, and commiserated with you.  

Sometimes, even when they didn't agree with you!  Good friends.  But 
often times they're gone, moved on, etc., as have most of the ones 
I'm talking about.

To compensate, I often resort to saying my piece out loud when I'm 
alone.  Sometimes I simply rant, sometimes I tell someone off.  

I have a couple of really close buddies with whom I've shared a lot 
of life's Stuff and can say just about anything.  But can I complain? 

No.  I'm not talking about the weather here.  I'm talking about 
something I've been thinking for awhile and want to share it.  My 
complaint is either ignored or dismissed.  If the latter, it's 
usually done with a couple of words which give me the idea that my 
feelings aren't valid.  Each time I really need to gripe (I'm talking 
about something in MY life, not hers or ours) and I decide I have to 
try again, I get the same response.  So, I say never again.

But I do it again.  And again.  Mind you, 'again' is usually a couple 
of years later!  I'd kinda forgot about my resolve, and did it again 
the other night.  Damn!  And then I thought about this situation for 
a couple of days and I've come to a couple of conclusions.  (Got 
'couple' on the brain tonight!)

One is that it's highly likely that this friend can't do this.  
Doesn't know how.  Doesn't think that I might need a verbal shoulder 
for a minute.  It's not in her makeup, even tho she's a great friend 
in other ways!

And the other conclusion is that there's a whole bunch of folks out 
there in a tree who are superb listeners and commiserators, able to 
give just the right "There There", "Here's a hug", or Kill the 
slimeball!"... or whatever seems to be needed!!  

Just had to toss my thoughts out there to the breeze.  : ))

Carolyn


===

Carolyn A. Johnson
bluenosr at ns.sympatico.ca