TheBanyanTree: Self Absorbed

[Monique]

Maria said:


>>I think part of my discomfort (as it just this second occurs to me) is
that I am not so much nervous about others noticing that I am attractive
but that they will notice that *I* think I'm attractive.  Perhaps I am
afraid of being 'caught' red-handed in what is a very hard thing to
admit.  Here is where I end because I think this is the thought that is
probably at the core of my discomfiture. <<

Ah yes! What if others notice that I may suspect that I may be attractive?
Will they laugh? "Who does she think she is," they'll say, and they'll scoff
at my inability to see myself as I really am. It was taught to me, when I
was growing up, that I was not attractive nor could I be, given that I
looked like my mother (my stepmother was a strong proponent of this theory)
and that I was tall and thin and needed glasses. Well. But I am not hideous.
I really am not. I may even be attractive. I may even now say so, without
fearing the wrath of God for lying. Of course, that doesn't mean I want to
be seen as paying attention to such a thing. What hubris! My glances in
mirrors are quick, I attempt circumspection in case anyone sees me looking
at me. In restrooms I glance at the mirror quickly if there is anyone else
around, I try not to look at all, and whether that's because I don't want to
see what's there or I don't want others to see me looking, I don't know. If
the restroom is empty I may look to see if my face needs work, or my hair.
They always do, but that's beside the point. Occasionally, very
occasionally, I will stop long enough to apply fresh powder. It's my mask --
I hope it conceals enough of me so that I'm palatable.

My significant other thinks I'm gorgeous. Love is blind, they say, and I do
believe it's true. Still, I have to believe, anymore, that I'm not terribly
bad to look at. Comes with age, perhaps, or the repetition of messages that
tell me the opposite of what I know. Self-perception is something I've
always had a problem with. I'm not good at it. But I'm working on it. 

Monique