TheBanyanTree: The Great Expedition - Part 1

[Woofie]

Howdy Woof's Victims,

  [It is so long since I sent yers a woof post, prolly most of the
  addies in me address book will bounce..oh well..]

  Part 1 - The Great Dunny Search - or - A Dunny, A Dunny, Me Kingdom
  fer a Dunny! -or - Is There a Dunny Left Unflushed?

  The Woofess has just returned from a great expedition wid the Spouse
  and their Canuck Mates, Luxe and Bluey [1] (names has been changed
  ter protect them Canucks from embarrassment wot would ensue, iffen
  their identities was made public *evil cackle*).

  Now, afore I launches into this saga, I gotta explain a few
  things...

  Canucks subsist in the climatic zone of the world called the Sub
  Arctic. I knows it is the sub arctic  cuz it said so on this map of
  the climate zones wot came free in one of our local weekend rags a
  few weeks ago. Due to the rigours of this climate, the species, Homo
  canadiensis, has evolved sumwot differently from Homo
  Australiensis to cope with the cold.

  The most striking anatomical and physiological difference between
  the two species and, also, the one most germane ter this account, is
  bladder size. Members of Homo canadiensis have extremely small
  bladders. You may wonder why, but if you have a basic fizzics
  understanding , it will be apparent. Have you ever woken up first
  thing onna cold morning, wid a full bladder? Yup..yer is layin in
  bed and freezing..all cuz alla heat from yer body is bein sucked out
  by all that pee in yer bladder. Pee is a good conductor of heat and
  the bigger yer bladder, the more pee it holds and thus the more heat
  it sucks out. To overcome this heat loss, Homo canadiensis has
  evolved very tiny bladders.

  There is one major problem wid havin a tiny bladder...YUP!! It means
  yer gotta pee very frequently! And, iffen yer is civilised, it means
  yer gotta have ready access ter a dunny. This is OK in Canuckland
  and other cold climate countries...there is plenty of dunnies at
  regular intervals and iffen there ain't dunnies, there is allus the
  obligatory tree ter dive behind.

  Unfortunately, in the Wozland Outback, both dunnies and trees are
  rare and precious commodities.

  Now, you would think that Canucks would have the smarts ter drink
  less water, soze that their tiny bladders wouldn't fill up so
  frequently, wouldn't yers? Nope, they is the biggest water guzzlers
  I has ever come across! This is no problem in their homeland - in
  fact, it has considerable benefits:

  1. One of Canuckia's famous tourist draws is the Athabascar Glacier.
  Unfortunately this is melting at X amount a year. Now, iffen nature
  was jes allowed ter take its course, very soon there would be no
  drawcard ter enhance all them dollars from them thousands of
  Japanese tourists wot descend on that glacier ever day. This is
  where every good Canuck does his/her patriotic duty. All that Canuck
  pee is dumped on top of the glacier where it is still cold enuff ter
  freeze it, thus exceeding the loss due ter melting lower down the
  glacier.

  2. The other benefit is a more frivolous one, but one which has
  positive social outcomes. This benefit keeps Canucks happy and
  gainfully employed during the long winter months and thus reduces
  the incidence of cabin fever and anti social behaviour. You might
  think that Canucks live in houses like normal folks, but they don't.
  They actually live underground...they sometimes have pseudo houses
  on top of the ground, covering their moleholes, but mostly just ice
  constructions on top. These ice constructions are created to
  deliberately fool idjit Amercans from south of the border into
  thinking that there is nothing but snow, polar bears and igloos in
  Canada. This ploy seems to have worked exceptionally well;) One of
  the biggest dangers of living in a mole hole is the risk of flooding
  iffen yer neighbour's sewerage system higher above you bursts its
  seams. Prime real estate in Canada is that found high on hills, cuz
  folks on high points is able ter flood the mole holes of the less
  fortunate living below them. Canadians think this is a great sport
  (the ones wot gits flooded ain't too happy about it, but) and it has
  been developed into an official sport wot they named, "Curling".  It
  was called thus due to the peculiar effect of pee on body hair,
  causing the hair to curl when immersed...

  Now...I have wandered off the track, so to speak, but you do need to
  know what challenges we faced as we packed up the rental campervan
  and headed northwest into the sunset...

  Yes...the sun was always setting and we were always driving into it,
  no matter what direction the road took. As the Spouse did most of
  the driving, he developed a peculiar squint. This squint caused a
  few problems whenever we stopped at a waterhole, iffen his field of
  view was blocked by a personable filly. They was liable to take
  offence thinking the Spouse was leering at them.

  One good effect was that the Spouse allus got a break every twenty
  mins or so, when the Canucks needed ter relieve themselves. Yes..we
  did have a dunny in the campervan..it was a flash model...but no one
  would volunteer to be the one to empty the contents when full and
  there was very few places where they could be emptied..and as the
  contents would prolly have ter be emptied every 20 mins or so, it
  would have defeated the purpose.

  Now, you might think we spent our whole trip ter the northwest
  snorkelling, sailing, fishing and diving wid whale sharks and manta
  rays and fun stuff like that...well..we did...and yer can see the
  pics here:

  http://public.fotki.com/woofie/woof_pics/mpadventure/

  But, the highlight of the whole trip was the discovery of previously
  unknown dunnies! Now, due ter the hyperactivity of the classic
  Canuck bladder and due to the scarcity of said dunnies, a peculiar
  anxiety disorder developed amongst us...called Dunny Anxiety.
  Everyone was allus on the outlook for the next dunny and when we
  discovered one, we used it whether we needed it or not (well the
  canucks allus needed it!), cuz, as we all said:

  "You never know where the next dunny will be!"

  This dunny anxiety also led the Spouse to coin a new phrase:

  "The Precautionary Drain."

  Whenever a dunny was sighted, he would bound off towards it, saying:

  "I am just going to have a precautionary drain.."

  What dunnies that do exist in the remote outback are ingenious and
  varied. As unrecycled water is in scarce supply (partly due to
  depradations of thirsty Canucks), most outback dunnies do not flush.
  Manmade dunnies utilise either the long drop technique or the
  "Enviro dry" system.

  The long drop system is very simple..you jes shoves a seat wid a
  hole in it over a very deep hole wot has lime at the bottom. The
  hole is so deep that yer effluent doan make a sound when it hits the
  bottom. One warning wid the long drop..doan ever drop a lighted
  flame down it...yer is liable ter blow yer arse orf, due ter the
  accumulation of gases!

  The dry system is too complicated fer the Woofess' tiny
  brain ter explain...somehow all yer offerins is reduced ter ashes.
  Dry systems is popular in flasher national parks and them places.
  Poorer places has the time honoured long drop, iffen they has a
  dunny at all.

  Some places has flushing dunnies, but as these places allus has big
  warnings about not drinkin the water there, one has ter wonder where
  the water is obtained from!

  In places where there is no dunnies, the best yer can hope fer is a
  tree or anthill, or,  if neither of them natchurl privacy screens is
  available, a break in the traffic, so that no one sees yer exposin
  yer delicate bits.

  Usin bush dunnies (man made or natchurl) is more dangerous than
  swimmin wid sharks, cuz delicate, dangly bits can be exposed ter
  much worse predators such as ants, mosquitoes and prickly bushes.
  The males in our party frequently came back from executing a
  precautionary drain clutchin their dangly bits, nervously.

  Hmm..as usual I has rambled on a bit...think I better go take a
  precautionary drain....
  

  W:)
  

  [1] Bluey is called bluey cuz he has red hair..or rather I think he
  has...bit hard ter be sure due ter sparseness of evidence;) All
  redheads is called Blue or Bluey in Orstralia, fer obvious reasons.



-- 
Best regards,
 Woofie                          mailto:woofie at woofess.com


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"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02
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Website: http://www.woofess.com
Photos: http://public.fotki.com/woofie/