TheBanyanTree: What's up. What's down

[Tobie Shapiro]

May 24, 2000000004



Dear Everyone,

	Months have gone by, and, no, the Dr. Science did not turn 
around and come crawling back to his woman begging to be let back in, 
even through the cat door.  He remains somewhere on the other side of 
town, a location he refuses to divulge to me because he is, "setting 
boundaries".    He was also setting boundaries when he refused to 
loan me his car while he was going to be out of town, so that I could 
have mine fixed.  O.K.  So I had to rent a car and forward the bill. 
Boundaries have their price.

	He comes over and makes nice and we get along beautifully, 
until I point it out, then he "colds over" and has to set a few new 
boundaries.   The kids are still furious at him, and don't want to go 
over to his house, nor would I let them, seeing as how I don't even 
know where it is and what it is.  (Feyna did some spying and told me 
the general whereabouts).  Both kids are nearing the time when they 
set their own grown up boundaries and don't want to be nailed down to 
regular visitation hours.  They're seventeen for Pete's sake.  Yet, 
Dr. Science keeps on treating this as he did when his first marriage 
broke up (his ex, the witch, is looking better all the time in 
comparison) and his two boys were six and eight.  I've come to the 
conclusion that he isn't living in the same real world that we are. 
He's living in a real world, all right, but it's his real world, and 
no one else is allowed entrance or a clue.  More boundaries, I 
suppose.  Doesn't seem like a healthy walk through life, though 
probably under the advisement of his therapist.  Maybe a bit of 
malicious obedience.

	In the meantime, because I am a creature of mourning and 
tears, I go to my own therapist twice a week, and moan and wail.  I 
give out such a geschrei, I'm sure the noise machine in the waiting 
room doesn't cover it.  HOW am I going to raise these two needy kids 
all on my own?  WHERE will I get a hug and love if not from Dr. 
Science?  (But Dr.Science never gave you a hug and love.  Yes, I 
know, I know.)  WHAT is going to happen to me?  HOW could he have 
done that  --  played his game of scared rabbit and skittered off 
without discussion, then called from a remote location and phoned in 
his resignation, leaving me to explain it all to the kids while I 
tried to get up off the floor?  -- how could he have done all this to 
the people he is supposed to care about and love?

	He is  now, Father as Field Trip.   He figures out an 
entertaining thing to do and takes Feyna, or tries to take Meyshe. 
Meyshe refused to talk to him or see him for a few months, just 
natural.  He's autistic.  He couldn't fuse the good Dad and the bad 
Dad, and chose to disassociate.  Now Meyshe will deign to see him, 
but it's perfunctory, and he's rattled to the core every time he sees 
him:  "How can a person like that command a place in my heart?!". 
He is not here for the day to day triumphs, surrenders to tears, 
groping with education, trifling with lives.  A week goes by without 
a call from him.  He never asks how the kids are doing, what is going 
on in their lives.  Until I called him an absent father, he didn't 
even try to arrange to see them, and when he did, it lasted a week 
until he forgot about it.  He didn't show up for Meyshe (he is 
infamous for letting everyone down in just this way) and tried to 
blame me, I think until after he spoke to his therapist, and then 
accepted some responsibility.

	Isn't this heady?  Isn't this fascinating?  Isn't this just 
what you've wanted to read?

	So I put my announcement in Craig's List and in Jdate (Jewish 
dating over the internet).  I was swamped with replies.  What on 
earth could have been going on!?  I told them how old I am (56) and 
how I'm not ready to take on a replacement or a lover, but just to go 
out for coffee, maybe a movie, a museum, an art gallery, a lecture 
.... a piece of life outside the basement.  Later, maybe I'll be 
ready for more.  After the stitches fall out, but not before.

	I thank everyone who has written to me to see how I am doing, 
and to put in their wishes for yet a better tomorrow.. . . Time 
hounds all weals.

	Love,

	Tobie
-- 




Tobie Helene Shapiro
Berkeley, California   USA

tobie at shpilchas.net