TheBanyanTree: Alone

[Margaret R. Kramer]

Ray is in Milwaukee this weekend visiting family.  We are so rarely apart,
we’re a “glued at the hip” couple,  that it is like a part of me is gone
when Ray isn’t here.

It’s not like I’ve never been alone before.  Ray visits his family every
year and he’s been in the hospital a couple of times.  But when he’s been in
the hospital, my days are spent taking care of things at home, and then
going to visit him, so I don’t feel like I’m alone.

When he’s visiting his family, that’s what I can’t share with him, and each
moment goes by at an agonizingly slow pace.  It’s only three nights, but it’
s like three years go by before I can see him again.  I count the nights – I
’ve made it through two, just one to go, and then he’ll be home.

This year, instead of wandering around in a hyped up panic state while he
was gone, I decided to make this time productive.  I told myself, it’s good
for couples to spend some time apart.  I told myself to look forward to
having a few days on my own.  I was going to pretend I was single again.

It’s not like I’ve never been alone before.  But it’s been almost 30 years
since I lived in a one bedroom apartment near downtown St. Paul with no room
mates.  Since then I’ve had Asher and I’ve been married, and then Ray, so
there’s always someone around, even if they’re not around, they, at least,
call where I live their home.  What would it be like to be the only one who
called this address home?  What’s it like to be totally single again?

Well, I spent Friday night grocery shopping.  Ray and I always go grocery
shopping together, but it didn’t seem to matter if I was alone.  I planned
the menus, went through the refrigerator and pantry to see what we needed,
and made a list.  Of course, I was buying food for Ray and I, so I don’t
know if that really counts as an “alone” activity.  If I was alone, would I
be less organized about buying food?  Would I just buy groceries when I
needed something to eat?

We usually do chores on Saturday.  We change the sheets on the bed.  We
vacuum the carpets.  We do laundry.  We take out the trash.  I did these by
myself and that was OK.  It gave me something to do and kept my mind off of
being alone.  I cut the grass and then spent a fair amount of time weeding
and trimming.  While working in the backyard, I watched our black cat chase
down a baby rabbit.  I tried my best to save the baby, but the cat had the
upper hand, and dragged the rabbit into some far corner of the garage.

I told Ray about the cat and the rabbit when he called, but it isn’t the
same as sharing it with him in person.  Plus, he’s my dead body picker
upper.  The black cat likes to leave his prizes on the patio.  We had
another half eaten baby rabbit on the patio earlier this week.  On Friday,
he left a mourning dove right in front of the door.  Ray disposed of the
bodies for me.  I would have to do this awful chore myself if I was alone.

I went to Best Buy to get some ink for my printer.  It was nice to take the
time to walk around the store and just look at stuff we can’t afford or I
certainly couldn’t afford if I was alone.

Whenever I finish a book and don’t want to keep it, I sell it on amazon.com.
My copy of The Lovely Bones was sold the other day and usually Ray packages
and mails the book for me.  But this time I had to do it myself.  I’m the
worst package wrapper.  I slopped the paper around the book and taped it
every which way.  I almost forgot to put my return address on the package.
What a mess!  But I managed to get it mailed.  Another chore I would have to
do if I was alone.

I was trying to decide if I should go for a walk or a bike ride, but instead
ended up on the computer paying bills.  I would have less bills if I was
alone, but I’d have less money, too.

Evening was coming.  That’s lonely time.  But I saved my favorite thing to
do for last.  I got in the car and drove to Borders.  I had a $5 coupon
tucked in my wallet and visions of exciting summer books to read in my head.
Ray is tolerant of my love for books, but he’s not a book person, so going
to the bookstore isn’t the most exciting thing he can do.

I luxuriated in taking as much time as I wanted walking up and down the
aisles.  I looked at books, DVDs, CDs, and  greeting cards.  I bought the
grandsons books about dinosaurs.  I bought myself several books and a couple
of CDs.  Then it was on to Barnes and Noble, because I was alone and no on
cared how long I spent browsing.

Ray called shortly after I got home with my treasures.  I loved hearing his
voice.  Just hearing him made me feel a little less lonely.

I heated up a small pizza in the oven.  I ate it while reading the
newspaper.  I watched “Trading Spaces.”  I watched the news.  Then I went to
bed – alone.  Two nights down and one to go.

Ray makes our Sunday breakfast, but I’ll have to cook breakfast myself this
morning.  I’ll read the Sunday paper.  Then I’ll go work out.  I’ll sit in
the sauna and let the sweat roll off of me.  Today I’ll be the alone person
with a family.  My son and are planning to see Fahrenheit 9/11 and then meet
up with Susan and the grandsons for dinner to celebrate my son’s birthday.

After dinner, it will be lonely time again.  I’ll read one of my new books
while I watch the minutes count down until Ray gets home.  I’ll sleep alone
one more time.  I’ll get up early and go to workout and then drive to work.
And pass time pretending to work while I’ll really be waiting.

I’ll imagine Ray’s plane landing.  I’ll see him get on the shuttle and go to
where his car is parked.  The he’ll drive home.  To me.  To us.  And my
alone time will be over.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net

http://www.polarispublications.com
Be a star!

http://www.bpwmn.org
Business and Professional Women of Minnesota

A bird does not sing because it has an answer.  It sings because it has a
song.
~Chinese Proverb