TheBanyanTree: Hello hello hello!

[Helen Davies]

Hello one and all,

I dont quite know how this works yet, but I am sure I will learn. A dear friend sent me the link to this wonderful place and I fell in love with it the very moment I read the introduction, I just wished that I was swaying, eyes closed in a hammock beneath the protective arms of the Banyan tree! I am so looking forward to reading many, many things here and contributing too. I  thought that I would leave a little clue to the madness of myself for you. believe me, the Banyan tree is going to mean for  me precious moments of peace and quiet, in fact at this moment thinking about it, I am longing for winter here on my mountain top in Wales, so I can wrap myself in a blanket,  sip hot coffee and read your words....snuggle....I might lock the door and turn off the phones too!

Love Helen 


P.M.S That is - Pre-menstrual Schizophrenia

5:20PM Saturday March 15th 2003
I haven't written for a while, not like me really, but I've been so busy all the time. I just haven't felt like it. I know I was going to continue writing about last weekend but it's too far gone now. In fact, I feel so utterly miserable, in my dramatic use of words, I just want to die. I don't really, it's not meant like that, it's just an expression of how hopeless I feel. It's been a long week, well busy, worked most days, my nephew came for a sleep over last night with my son, they weren't any trouble though. I had quite a late night also, went to sleep about 3am, I was woken at 9:45 by the phone downstairs, Liam answered and didn't call me but woke me at 10:15 to say that Anna had rung again, so I got up (I'd set my alarm for 9AM but had gone back to sleep).

Anna said her husband was leaving for his concert at three, so should she and the children come up for a few hours, of course I said yes. I assumed it was because I had told her I probably wouldn't go to her tonight that she was visiting now. Liam is staying at my sisters so I was looking forward to a quiet evening. She arrived at 2:30 and we had coffee sat at the table as we usually do. I was quieter than normal, which she commented on - I said I was tired. She started to say, "You are coming down tonight..." but changed it to, " are you coming down tonight?" I said I didnt know, that I was tired, where she said, " Oh go on, I can go to the chinese then." I didn't answer, what's the point.

Anyway,everyone has gone now, my brother-in-law collected the two boys, they left about five, it's quiet. I'm going out in an hour and twenty minutes though. She asked again when leaving. Christopher piped up, "are we having chinese?" 

Anna said, " well if Helen comes down....You don't have to though..." 

Christopher and Lucy both looked at me, " are you coming down?" So I said yes.

I feel wretched, I know I shouldn't, I should be positive, but it's happening all over again, I was off work Monday, Anna and the children came. When I work I don't get home till late, Liam was away Thursday night, I get in and have to go back out to Anna's, Thomas last night, Anna and the children today, back out again soon to Anna's. I dread tomorrow, I dread the phone going, I feel awful moaning so much. I havn't written about the nice things, like receiving Clarence's diary and Brevard County booklet and the card. I just moan. I can't tell anyone, noone can help, it's only me who is responsible for dealing with it. Yet, if I do, we just go round in a big circle and end back at this point again! My parents would be so angry, my dad could barely speak to Anna last time because I was becoming ill and then he got so angry towards me. What's the big deal about saying no? Sometimes I'm sure Satan is determined to just drag me down, I've been sleeping well, being so good at bedtime and not this, again. I sound like a stuck record, if it's not one it's the other. Anna isn't stupid, she knows why I'm quiet, surely she can understand without it having to be spelt out... again. I feel so angry toward her inside, I spend half the time blaming me and feeling gulity for feeling badly toward her then boiling up with anger and blaming her the next! Yet, when I'm with her, I'm pleasant welcoming, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. this is ridiculous! 

I'm wondering how long it's been since things were bad like this, I was writing my first diary to Clarence. I remember because in temper I made a hole in it with the pen. How can I be a good Christian in my heart when I feel like that? I know I'm saved but I still want to do what's right, yet being a good Christian does not mean being worn down...does it? I know poor Clarence has to endure reading this, but I have to release it somewhere, express it somehow, and this is probably the better method, instead of throwing soemthing! 

I don't want to go out. I want to stay at home, have a bath, get in my pyjamas, watch T.V, read. Today has been frantic enough and I've still got to hoover the dining room after five children had ham sandwiches and crisps for tea in there, two of which were the toddling kind that get more on the floor than in their mouths.

I just flicked back and realised the last time I wrote was March 10th. Not that long ago, I thought it was much longer than that. 

10PM Saturday March 15th 2003
I've just got home now, well I've made a coffee. It's an absolutely beautiful night, clear sky, a wonderful midnight blue, lit by a bright moon. Countless stars. I walked up the middle of my street, eyes heavenward, it's only moments like that, that everything  feels peaceful and right. Anna asked if I would babysit on the 29th of this month. I said yes, but it's the day after I go for the test. I'm not sure if I will feel up to it. Perhaps it will take my mind off it. Those two weeks waiting will feel like an eternity. On the other hand it may pass like the time is now, mostly I don't think of it, yet the times I allow myself to really dwell on it, I'm petrified. I think instinctively you disconnect through daily life, it's there, but seperate in a way. A coping mechanism, otherwise you'd go mad.

I wish I could think of something happy to write. I'm due my period in four days then hopefully this mood will lift. There, something to be happy about! Hmmm, it's not working. 

I wish I still had Juicy here, I'd take him for a walk now. I'd look a bit strange without a dog really. If I felt low on beautiful nights like this and if Liam wasn't home, I'd walk Juicy, look at the stars and come home feeling better. 

9:55am Sunday March 16th 2003
It's an absolutely beautiful morning! Blue skies, sunshine, not a cloud anywhere.

I woke about fifteen minutes ago, yet I can't get dressed yet, so I'm not going to make church. As soon as I woke I realised my period had started early, I'd meant to buy sanitary towels last night incase this happened, but forgot. Luckily my mum was running late when I called her and she's going to drop me some in quickly on her way to her church. Yet another dilemma of living alone, times like this I can't get out to the shop - oooh my stomach just hurt!

Well hopefully over the next few days I'll start to feel better in myself. I feel a bit groggy this morning, I had too much sleep maybe. I fell asleep on the sofa at 10:30 last night, woke up cold at 12:30am and went to bed. I hope my mum doesn't forget as she's in a rush.

Ah saying that, my parents just knocked - hurray with sanitary towels! My mum gave me ten pounds from my dad too!  I better go upstairs and sort myself out now. I'm going to clean up the back yard today and clean the windows inside and out as it's so fine. I was going to make a roast dinner, but I don't know if Liam will be home at lunchtime. I'll make it this evening if not. 

My new neighbours have just come out into their backyard, they can see right into my dining room where I'm sitting. I got all embarresed and didn't know where to look or what to do, so I quickly started writing in here! I've sent them a welcome card, it's still awkward as we don't know one another yet. Our kitchens look onto each other, in the evening I don't know where to put my eyes either as I don't want them to think I'm being nosy, I feel all self-conscious. When we get to know each other it wont matter, as we'll just wave or something and get on with what we're doing. 

11am Sunday March 16th 2003
Well I'm dressed and ready to tackle the yard. It's not too bad, there's some rubbish to put out and some rusty toys that can go and then a good sweep. I need to get some masonry paint soon, I've been complaining about the old wall out there for ages, so I'll paint it. 

Now, a yogurt, an apple and a vitamin C tablet first. I've a headache, oh the joy of periods! I dont feel as utterly terrible as I did yesterday though. I still have the dread lurking in the back of my mind though that Anna is going to phone and suggest coming up this afternoon. I'm so mean.

2:10PM
Anna just called, she did ring about an hour ago, but talked about going to visit her tomorrow morning and staying for dinner. I thought that was it, today was mine. She's coming up at three. Can you believe my hands are trembling, I dont know whether to cry...or scream. See how she's pre-occupying my life? I can't even write anything else. Tomorrow Anna, Tuesday helping sis paint the nursery, Wednesday back to work. I want a day alone, just left, I can't stand this, I can't stand this!  What's left is to hide at my parent's again, but that is not a solution. She's so selfish, I'm so angry, her husband is taking the children out, doesn't she want an hour alone to just relax or read...or something for goodness sake! I've been cleaning the yard and windows till now, I don't want to sit down and rack my brain for something new to say and struggle with the bad feeling at the same time. I'm going to lose my mind this time. LEAVE ME ALONE! 

I wasn't going to do that, I'd better go upstairs and calm down I think. atleast I only threw the pen. 

11:55PM Sunday March 16th 2003 
I'm in bed, very tired tonight, I wont take long to fall asleep. I feel a little better than I did earlier, Clarence cheered me up when me met on line. I wasn't the best of company though. I couldn't really think of anything to say as there wasn't anything accept the same old. Poor Clarence putting up with my whining. 

I've decided anyway. In the morning I'm phoning Anna and not going there. I know she'll need something from the shop, but I am not going! Sometimes I really feel like she asks me to get her something so I will definitely go. Perhaps I'm being unfair, but it seems like it. I'm putting a stop to it - tomorrow. It's the last day I can have any time to myself this week, before going back to work. I will be firm. I can feel my stomach flip when I say that - probably at the prospect of my own failure.

6-45PM Monday March 17th 2003
My depression has lifted! I'm glad to say. I feel good! The horrible cloud has gone. It's scary how our emotions can take hold of us like that. Today I feel like a whole new person, if you read the last few days you'd be convinced I was a schizophrenic!

Saying that, I've been exasperated, I got back into bed this morning as it was cold and fell back to sleep, I heard the phone ringing a few times but just left it. 11:30 I was woken by Anna calling up the stairs, she'd come up because she couldn't get me on the phone and had bought pasta for lunch.....I LOVE HER!