TheBanyanTree: The Dolphin Show

[Sharon Mack]

My first email  this morning and I am hopelessly sniffing, snerking,
snorting,  and coughing....oh, hell I am laughing my ass off!  Had
similar experience in Luthren church...I was 12!

>>> Theta Brentnall <theta at garlic.com> 2/20/2004 3:55:24 PM >>>
There was some discussion about experiences with ministers, which
reminded 
me of this story.  so here it is, for your smiles.



About 10 years ago, one of Gerry's many aunt & uncle teams had their
50th 
anniversary, so there was a Whole Fam Dambly Reunion to celebrate
(about 
seventy people, all ages.)  This aunt and uncle live in a little town
in 
southwestern Missouri and they are Baptist with a capital B, so part of
the 
celebration was the church service that Sunday.  Everyone was there,
all 
the kids in one pew and all the parents, grandparents, etc., in the pew

right behind them.  No one else in the family is Baptist, including any
of 
the aunt & uncle's kids or grandkids.

The curtain comes up in front of the alter, and this big, plexiglass
box 
half-full of water rises out of the floor.  The kids turn around,
eyebrows 
well and truly raised, and whisper, "What's that?"

One of the irreverent parental units (not me, I swear) whispered back,

"It's the dolphin show!"

Baptist aunt whacks irreverent niece.  Kids (in both pews) giggle.

A young, rather nervous woman comes out dressed in a long white robe,
and 
then the minister makes his entrance, also dressed in a long white 
robe.  His robe was considerably larger, I mean CONSIDERABLY larger,
than 
the woman's.  One of the irreverent kids in the front pew turns around
and 
in a stage whisper says, "No, it's the whale show."  Everyone in the
two 
family pews proceeds to  sniff, snerk, snort, cough, stuff kleenex in
their 
mouths, and emit small ruptured squeaks in an effort to keep from
laughing 
out loud.  Painful.  Baptist aunt starts smacking everyone in reach,
which 
just makes it harder not indulge in a good belly laugh.

Young woman gets baptized, the glass box goes back into the floor and
the 
minister delivers his sermon.  So, the reason we are there is to honor
this 
aunt and uncle, who have been the pillars of this church for the past
30 
years.  Does he talk about them?  Does he talk about honor and love in
the 
long haul?  Noooooo.  He talks about how youth today are all going to
hell 
(Hay-yall)  because they go out into the big, evil (eee-ville) world
and 
they drink hard liquor, and they dance suggestive dances, and they 
foooorn-i-cate.  One of the kids turns around and mouths questioningly,

"foorn-i-cate?"  Irreverent parent leans forward and  mouths back,
"screw."

"Ahhh," mouths the kids and nods knowingly.  Turns back and leans over
to 
the kid next to him and passes the word along.   We can see it getting

passed along from kid to kid.  "Fooornicate means screw.  Pass it 
on."  Next kid says, "ahhh," nods and leans to the next kid.  Parents 
proceed to sniff, snerk, snort, cough, shove kleenex in their mouths
and 
emit small ruptured squeaks.

At the end of the service, the minister made the general announcements
and 
asked if anyone else had anything.  One of the aunt & uncle's sons
stood up 
and said that the whole clan was here to celebrate his parents' 50th 
anniversary and how he appreciated the minister making them feel like
this 
was just their special day, seeing as how his parents were a major 
contributor to the church in money and service.  The aunt made us all
leave 
by the side door.

So now, whenever there's a family gathering and someone suggests going
to 
church, someone else is sure to say, "It's not going to be a dolphin
show, 
is it?"

Theta
(who is proud to say that she got thrown out of the Baptist church in
2nd 
grade, so what can you expect?)