TheBanyanTree: Being Me

[Sharon Mack]

I have always been an insecure individual.  Because of my personality
disorder I do a good job of hiding it most times.  I describe it as
separating from myself and rising above.  In my mind's eye, I watch
myself walk the walk and talk the talk and I am powerless to change the
image.  I am just along for the ride.  When I hear people describe me I
just smile.  If they only knew.  I am still the fourth grader that got
teased by the boys most unkindly and the popular girls didn't like no
matter how hard I tried.  I have always assumed that I don't like myself
very much.

I belong to another writing group that sends out daily prompts.  I like
this group because it challenges me to write every day.  It is my way of
getting back into the swing of things after leaving writing for almost
ten years.  I love to write.  It makes me feel good to paint images that
I see in my mind in words so that everyone can see them...at least
that's how I see writing.  I don't write because I can't express myself
verbally...because I can.  I write because its a better way of sharing
my images.  It's a quieter way and sometimes it's a safer way.  Less one
on one in the flesh, if you know what I mean.  It's quieter and I like
that because I tend to be loud.  I like to write because it is a way to
live inside my imagination rather than reality, legally.  Sometimes I
don't like reality.  I think perhaps it has been forced upon me too much
and too strongly throughout my life.  Writing is my retreat...my
vacation...a resting place.

One of the prompts of late was this:  "Have you ever wanted to be
someone else...live someone else's life, live somewhere else on earth,
do something entirely different with your day?  The challenge is to
write a journal page entry as if you were someone else.  You don't have
to go into great detail about this person as long as you know what their
"voice" is.....sign it with the person's name."

When I first read it, I thought, this will be fun and I immediately
began to sort through all of the people I know, close friends,
acquaintances, my colleagues at work.  Nothing!  Then I looked at famous
people, then historical figures.  I could not find anyone I wanted to
write about let alone change places with.  Not a one!  I realized that I
might want to be somewhere else (like a beach in a cottage, writing to
my heart's content), or do something entirely different with my day (go
to the Grand Canyon or maybe see the Pacific Ocean for a change, or
maybe visit my cousins in Michigan), but actually there is no one else I
want to be.  No matter what their lives, no matter how famous, no matter
what good works they have produced, no matter how much I liked and
respected them, I did NOT want to be them.  I just wanted to be me.

HA!  What a nice thing to know after 50 some years.  I just want to be
me!  Cool!

Sharon A. Mack