TheBanyanTree: On the Same Subject-Only Kathryn

[Sharon Mack]

It seems that poverty has its own set of rules.  A ceiling of learning
that the energy one must expend to reach above it seems almost
impossible.

When my own daughters were teenagers of 14 and 16 I took in a foster
daughter of 12.  She came from a place in Albany, New York that I have
never been to and neither have most of the people I know.  

I thought I was poor.  I was raising four children by my wits, hard
work and less than $6,000 income a year.  But this child showed me we
were rich in comparison.  My children had clean clothes, a clean home
and beds with clean sheets still smelling sweet of the softener sheets
that we used (store brand not Downy).  We had toothbrushes and had
dental care and plenty of soap and water, shampoo, showers and baths. 
We used an iron and hung our clothes.  We had medical care and hot
meals, three-square a day.

When this child came she didn't even know how to use a phone correctly.
 She had never had one in her home.  At school they had labeled her
"learning disabled," but actually, she never went to school, so I guess
they were assuming.  No tests had been done to my knowledge, yet they
passed her from year to year.  I don't blame the school.  They were
overwhelmed with this type of situation.  There was no way they could
have kept up.

After her first week with us, I took her along while we did the
laundry.  My daughters helped and Kathryn helped watch my two little
boys.  Eventually she would learn this chore but I felt she was still
too new.  As we were folding the laundry and putting it into neat piles
in the laundry basket, I noticed that there were no underpants of
Kathryn's.  I didn't say anything until we got home.  I took her into
the bathroom (for privacy) and asked why she didn't put her underthings
into the laundry.  Oh, if you could have seen the stunned look on her
face.  The confusion.  It broke my heart.  She told me that she had them
on.  I sat down with a thud on the toilet.  She only had one pair of
panties!  She had been wearing them for God-knows how long!

After this we went through her belongings and took inventory.  We hit
Goodwill and 
K-Mart.  It had never occurred to me to check her personal belongings. 
She had come with no toothbrush (again, we had to teach her how to use
this); had no bra, even though she was certainly ready for one, no
appropriate winter attire, though she had lived in New York all of her
life.  I asked if she had left these things at home.  She said no, that
she had brought everything.  I gasped and swallowed hard.

I thank God she hadn't started to menstruate until she was living with
us.  You've heard the tales of the crying girl of olden days who thought
she was dying because she was bleeding...yep, you guessed it...Kathryn! 
I found her in the bathroom sitting in the empty bathtub crying her eyes
out.  I had to force the bathroom door open as she had locked it and
wouldn't come out or open it.  When we had finished talking (we
discussed all the facts of womanhood and sex at this point) she hugged
me like she would never let go.

I had to teach her how to wash herself.  I actually stood in the tub
with a washcloth to demonstrate.  I had to teach her how to dry off and
to hang the towel so it wouldn't mildew.  All the small things we do so
naturally had to be taught.  It was mind blowing to say the least.

I think the greatest gift we gave her was reading.  Kathryn could read
some but not enough to handle anything of any length.  As we worked with
all of her hygiene and everyday living problems, I came to realize that
this young lady was NOT learning disabled.  She had just lacked the
proper structure.  With the help of my daughters, especially my
youngest, we began a campaign of catch-up for Kathryn scholastically. 
We watched her slowly improve and my greatest reward was when I went
downstairs to the girl's bedroom (which they all shared) one day after
Kathryn had been with us for two years and found  my daughter Jennifer
on one bed reading and Kathryn on the other doing the same.  She not
only COULD read but became an avid reader once she discovered the world
of books.

When Kathryn left us she was not only up to her proper grade level, but
carrying a B-C average.  She was happy and healthy and CLEAN!  I was
sorry to see her go and through the years, I am afraid we lost touch. 
She went back to Albany with her oldest sister.  I was not pleased but
Kathryn was 16 and wanted to go and be with family.  I was moving to
Tennessee for work and she did not want to go.  I could not stop her.

But at least she took the tools for living with her.  She visited me
once and I was astounded at the neatness of her packed suitcase and she
had not dropped one of the hygienic habits she had learned while with
us.....AND she was still reading.  I pray she carried them through her
life and used them to her benefit.

Yes, JNorton,  you are right....parents are the basis for learning
these gems of living.....not the system.

Sharon Mack