TheBanyanTree: By Special Request - 18/11/03

[Woofie]

Howdy Woof's Victims,

  Me mate Juan demanded another woof post fer terday..I doan quite see
  the significance of today (wot is Tuesday - I know it is tuesday cuz
  it is me late night at work and I has a lil reminder pop up orn me
  mobile phone wot pops up every tuesday ter tell me it is tuesday),
  but I dare not defy him cuz he is the Keeper of the Michelob. Iffen
  I displease him he woan share his Michelob wid me, soze youse will
  jes have ter grin and bear it.

  Speakin of "grinning and bearing it"..that is wot our lord and
  master tole us we has ter learn ter do, cuz abuse by other staff is
  our lot in life as lowly bottlewashers at work..so every time we is
  abused at work, we has ter "grin and bear it"...well..I hope that is
  the sort of "bear" our lord and master had in mind..I mean..iffen it
  was the other sort, things could git decidedly nasty...ack! I jes
  thot of summat..our section boss is spelling-challenged, so I hope
  he doan git confused and do the wrong sort of "bearing"!

  Anyways, thanks ter me fishin mate, Hyena, I actually has summat ter
  write about. Hyena's me fishin mate, cuz he has a boat and iffen I
  scrunch his delicate bits occasionally he will let me go fishin wid
  him. Hyena is offen newsworthy, cuz he is incident-prone..in fact he
  is allus sufferin incidents.

  Take last week fer example. He comes down ter see me and he has this
  turrible burn right up one arm and elbow:

  "Cripes!" I exclaims, "What did you burn yerself orn?"

  "Carpet burn," he mumbles.

  Me eyes popped out orn their proverbial stalks visualising the usual
  reason folks would get carpet burns on elbows and or knees etc,
  "Hyena...I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those "too
  much information" incidents."

  "No no no!' he replies, Wasn't that sort of thing..I jes fell down
  me stairs!

  He then went into an involved account of how he had managed ter trip
  on the edge of one his stairs and tumble down the rest of them,
  getting a carpet burn in the process.

  Well..if HE SEZ so.....

  Yesserday he limps into see me to report his latest incident:

  On Friday after work, it was such perfect boating weather that he
  and his missus took the boat over to Garden Island for a spot of
  lobster potting. Garden Island belongs ter our Navy, but they lets
  folks on it during daylight and provides free barbeque facilities
  etc. However, after dark, it is a $500 fine iffen the patrolling
  Rent-A-Ranger catches you there. Besides the Navy having a base
  there, Garden Island is also notorious for its great number of
  venomous snakes.

  Anyways..I will let him tell this in his own words..iffen I can
  remember em exactly, that is:

  "We got over to Garden Island just before sunset and dropped our
  pots. Just as we did that the sun went down...You know how the sun
  is above the horizon one second and next second it has fallen down
  and it is pitch black?..well..that is what happened and we had not
  been over to the BBQs on the island to cook our snaggers (sausages),
  so we thought we would risk being caught and go cook them..so I
  snuck onto the island in the dark and S [his missus] shines the
  bloody torchlight right in me face...doan do that I screams at her
  wavin me arms up and down..you is makin me a target fer the
  ranger!!...so..I crawls up to the bbq area and  lights
  one of the bbqs when I see headlights comin over the horizon at
  me...not wanting to git caught by the ranger I does a flying head
  first tackle over the bbq area fence [quite high folks] and dives
  head first into the bushes beyond the fence...the lights comes
  nearer and I am scared he will see me, so I buries me head in the
  dirt and scrub and the lights pass over me and the ranger drives
  off. I have scratches all over me and I am bleeding all over the
  place from diving in the bushes. I decides ter try and cook me
  snaggers... the dive into the bushes has given the gas bbq time to
  heat up jes rite fer cooking me snaggers, so I chucks em on..it then
  occurs to me that I am a sitting, or rather standing duck, if the
  ranger comes back, so I run up to where the toilets are, cuz iffen
  the ranger comes back, I can leap into thicker bush next to the
  toilets and not have to lie flat on the ground...."

  "You know, Hyena," I interrupts, "Good thing you was not caught
  loitering around them dunnies...you know wot folks think about
  fellers wot hangs around dunnies in the dark...and you already has a
  office wide reputation fer kerb crawling...."

  Hyena ignores me inneruption and continues...

  "...the ranger did not come back, so after a suitable amount of
  cooking time, I sneaks back to the bbq area and retrieves me cooked
  snaggers...I walks back down ter the beach, balancing me plate of
  sausages...I couldn't see where I was walkin on the beach after
  yellin at S not ter shine the torch at me...and yer knows them crabs
  wot comes out in hundreds after dark and walks all over the sand?..

  "Soldier crabs," I answers.

  "..yeah..them..well..I bloody well trod on one!! The bloody shell
  cut me foot and went right in...now I gort this turrible cut on me
  foot!!"

  So..did yer git any crays (lobsters) after all that?

  "NO!! Some bugger pinched one of me pots and the other one was
  empty!"


  Stay tuned for Hyena's next incident, folks, cuz there is bound to
  be another one soon!

  Meanwhile the Woofess is goin out wid him on his next lobster
  potting evening as his minder!!


-- 
Best regards,
 Woofie                          mailto:woofie at woofess.com


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"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02
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Website: http://www.woofess.com
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