TheBanyanTree: parenting predicament # 4286

[Sachet]

"Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable." -- Plato


It's an odd, exhausting & amusing predicament to be the parent of one of 
"those" kids.

The ones you notice with the multi-colored hair that you can see coming 
a mile away. And you wonder what his parents where thinkin'?! Or the 
lanky teen boy with earrings. And you know _your_ child would never dare 
do such a thing. You warily notice the intimidating ones with the sullen 
looks and have not the slightest doubt that they are plotting something.

No longer will I be intimidated. I now know what's behind the carefully 
crafted facades. Well, most of them anyway.

Picture taking is no longer a time of coaxing smiles that look natural. 
Nope. I have to wait for Zachary to stop smiling long enough to get his 
"sullen" look in place. And the thing is...he's totally serious about 
it. I can shrug it off and callously dismiss it as adolescent nonsense; 
and thereby close a door of communication. Almost did that too. I almost 
zoomed right past an open doorway into his intriguing thought processes 
and the vulnerability of his heart, by thinking it was silly and 
inconsequential. I almost let impatience and a desire to parent him into 
maturity override the chance to see his uniquely almost-a-man, 
ever-changing view of life.

The other day he came out of his room with his hair in an interesting 
array of tiny little poky uppey spikes, courtesy of his older sister. 
Hmmmm....do I frown and tell him he looks goofy and to remove it all 
right away? Or do I look at their smiles, and the mischievous delight in 
their eyes and suggest to him that he wear it out that way sometime. 
Watching their reaction to the latter was highly entertaining.

It's a fine line. Give him enough freedom to mature and to also have fun 
with becoming a teen and yet subtly maintain parental influence and the 
necessary authority concerning friends, music, clothing, food, 
education, etc.

I used to be in control of my children. What they ate, who they played 
with, what time they went to bed, what they watched on TV, and every 
other single aspect of their lives. Of course they were babies and 
toddlers then. Now I don't want to be in control.....well....yes, 
actually I do.....but realistically I can't be, nor should I be. It's no 
longer needed. I should be stepping back and letting them make some of 
their own decisions, hoping they ask for my input, but realizing that 
they might not. And in fact they might purposely and willfully delight 
in NOT asking for my opinion or advice. I am finally learning not to be 
outraged or hurt when Zach does that. Sometimes he needs to feel that he 
can consider all the facts in a given situation, weigh them for himself, 
and proceed accordingly. He might end up being flat out wrong, but it's 
not my job to rub his face in it when that occurs. My job is to simply 
be there; sometimes with support, sometimes with restraint.....so as not 
to wring his neck when he tests his limits one too many times during one 
single day or hour.

We've had battles of late these past few months as he's jUmPeD into 
puberty with every ounce of his being and mistakenly assumed that taller 
than Mom - means boss of Mom; and that deeper voice than Mom, equates to 
- knows more than Mom. Analytical, intense, loud battles have been waged 
when he dares to think that he can impose his will upon me, or totally 
disregard mine. I shake my head in bemused wonder some days. Other days 
I wish I knew kung fu, karate and jujitsu. ;) Thankfully, physical 
discipline hasn't been required in quite some time now. It was rarely 
needed when he was little. Only when he obnoxiously crossed clearly 
defined lines and was so obviously waiting to see if I would back up my 
words of warning. That certain behaviors were not acceptable and would 
not be allowed; and that there would be consequences if he chose to 
disobey. His choice. Naturally, he tested me.

That's what's happening now. He's testing me again. Only now he's not a 
defiant toddler. He's a defiant young man some days. Learning his place 
in the world. Trusting that I'll keep the parameters in place. And I do. 
Most of the time. By hook or crook with resolute determination that we 
will grow and learn together.

He'll keep growing taller and bigger than me. And my hope is that he'll 
keep learning....... that I'm always still.....Mom.

So he wants his hair to be strawberry blonde this next time. Ok. We can 
do that. It grows out and he has such fun with it while it lasts. He's 
wanted to get his ears pierced for two years now. I know he's thought it 
out and can very clearly articulate why he wanted to do so. So off we 
went to use the gift certificate his sister gave him for Christmas. It's 
all part and parcel of who is now, and will be as a man.

Right now he doesn't want to look like a kid anymore. He wants to look 
"fine". 'Cause ya see...he's discovered girls and he cares what they 
think about how he looks and what he wears, how he smells, and what he 
says.

Oy.

;)


...Sachet