TheBanyanTree: Beat All I Never Seen

[B Drummond]

Years ago I worked at a location in SW Atlanta that had a local diner 
nearby that my fellow co-workers and I loved to go to for lunch.

Once while enjoying a meal there I heard the owner of the joint 
describing an incident that happened the day before.  The gentleman 
that the owner was talking to had asked about the ambulance that was at 
the diner that day before.

"Yep, it wuz an ambulance," the owner said.  Didn't have to take nobody 
away though; the feller that wuz sick wuz alright by the time the 
ambulance done made it here."

"Whut wuz wrong with him?" the regular customer asked, " Well, I guess 
I hadn't of asked. It wuz your cookin', I'd venture to say."

"Nope," the owner answered, "beat all I never seen.  You ain't gonna' 
believe it but I'm gonna tell ya anyway." 
"You see this new feller come in here yesterday and ordered up the 
lunch special," the owner said.

"No need to tell me more," said the regular customer.

"Shut up and listen, Jake," he said.  "This feller took a real likin' 
to 
the special and the sweet tea.  So much so that he ordered up a second 
plate and asked for extra onions on his beans.  He musta' drunk 'bout 
two gallons a tea for it wuz all over.  He wuz a big man so I figgerd 
he knowed whut he wuz doin."

"Anybody'd eat here don't know whut they're doin," the regular said.

"Oh, yeah?" the owner said.  "And whut's yer excuse?"

"I come for the enertainment," the regular said with a laugh.

"Well, anyway,  this feller pushed his empty plate back and lit up a 
cigarette.  Thangs wuz copacetic while June dropped his tab off to his 
table.  But after a little while the man started to look 
"uncomfortable".  He started squirmin' in his seat and actin' like 
somethin' didn't agree with him."

"I can tell you what that wuz," the regular said.

"Whut? them onions, I 'd say," the owner said.

"No, the WHOLE DANGED MEAL, that's whut!" the regular guffawed.

"Funny,  Jake.  You're a regular comedian," the owner said.

"When June made a pass by the feller's table the next time he called 
her over and asked if we had anything for a sore stomach.  She whistled 
me up and I give her a two pack a Alka-Seltzers."

She dropped 'em off at the feller's table and I, watchin' out of the 
corner of my eye, couldn't believe whut I seen."

"Whut, Bill?  Whudja see?"

"This feller stared at them Alka-Seltzers for a minute like he hadn't 
never seen anythang like them before, tore open the package on one and 
then stared at it some more.  Then he opened the other pack and then he 
popped both of them boogers in his mouth at one time, chewed fer a 
seond or two and then swallered!"

"Good gawd almighty!" the regular hollered.

"Man-alive, Jake, you shoulda' seen his eyes bug outta' his head after 
them thangs went down the ol' pipes. He grabbed whut wuz left of his 
ice tea and chugalugged it like he wuz trying to put out a far in 
his innards."

"You're kiddin' me!" 

"Nope, I ain't.  The man looked like he'd done seen a ghost and started 
coughin' and spittin' up white foam by the bucket fulls. It wuz comin' 
outta his mouth and nose and he jumped up and run for the bathroom, 
hollerin' and gurglin' all the way."

"Whadjadoo?"

"That wuz when I called the ambulance," the owner said.

"Good gawd almighty," the regular said.

"Beat all I never seen," the owner said.

 "Good gawd almighty," the regular said.

"Yep"



   bd
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