TheBanyanTree: Saturday

[Monique Young]

There is a hole within me, I know not from where, but I suspect its origins
came long ago, back before I knew there was a me, and as time goes by the
hole feels larger within me. From where could it have come? I wonder this,
but it is irrelevant, but at the same time of extreme importance, for I
think if I could define its origins, I could banish it and be whole again.
This is not true of course, for knowing does not erase what I already know,
the knowledge that co-exists with the other. Warring conflicts within my
soul, one in black bent on destruction, the other in white, fighting for my
salvation. And the hole remains.

Was it you? No, of course not, you hadn't the ability to create that, as
neither did you have the ability to make it smaller, even if you had wished.
For a time you created the illusion that I was not alone, and that in itself
was valuable as I could feel the hole begin to shrink.

Lonely people populate the earth in such large numbers I must wonder how
this happened, how did we become so disconnected from ourselves that the
absence of others can cause such a feeling of loss? We are all afraid, of
something, not you, not me, that is not what I mean, but all of us, as one
and as many, and we feel the strain of living quickly and moving with such
reckless abandon that we do not take the time to sit, to listen to what is
inside of us, and to find out what it needs.

What is inside of me and what does it need? I do not know. I do know I can
banish it to a small part of me that can keep it safe from me, or keep me
safe from it, but I fear (that word pops up more frequently than it ought) I
can not banish it altogether to make myself safe forever. I can make myself
safe for now, I can work on it day-by-day, but in the end, will it always be
here? Waiting?

They think that what happened to me when I was too young to remember, or
that I blocked away out of sight, should not effect me now. It is in the
past, distantly, and if I were a better person I would be stronger and now
the invalidity of that experience. And yet I am strong, for I have survived
over 25 years longer than I was ever meant to. It does not matter. I wonder
only, as time goes by, if I am getting stronger, or weaker? Have I been
sapped of strength? I do not know, I know so little anymore. Only that the
search continues, the search for a way to fill that hole that does not
involve anyone else but me, a way to bring me back to myself, if such a
thing is even possible. I do not know if it is, for I do not know if there
was ever a me in the first place.

And so the struggle continues. Like so many others, I seek what I need, but
unlike so many others, I know the answers lie within, not without. Others
can help, others can be good to be around, to nourish and share with, but in
the end I know, as I have always known, that it is me alone who can provide
my answers.

Batman
And now, time to hit the books and satisfy another client.