TheBanyanTree: I Still Wonder

[RJ Fernalld]

I cannot testify that she never farted, only that in all the years I 
knew the woman, I was never sure. Old women were smelly in the nursing 
home Mama dragged us to on Sundays to visit Aunt Lila. I can say without 
fear of conscience that Aunt Lila farted with abandon. She could be 
passing you candy and passing gas simultaneously with a flawless grace 
only the deaf can attain.

But Granny? Don't think she could have farted if the urge overtook her. 
She was a pinched up little thing, wrinkled and sour. To say she was 
anal retentive would be the understatement to outdo any other. She knew 
to the penny about her finances, the number of stale cookies in the 
cracked cookie jar and exactly how many cigarettes to buy from pension 
check to pension check. She even had her funeral all paid for ten years 
before she died. Now THAT is anal!

She never wore white after Labor Day even when the rules changed, never 
washed her underwear when anyone was home to see, and never drank 
liquor, the Devil's poison. One year Mama tricked her at Thanksgiving 
though. We kids were sworn to secrecy. Mama put a fruity wine in the 
punch bowl and Granny drank it down glass after glass. I wonder if she 
farted when she was drunk?

Granny never belched, farted, blew her nose in public, ever mentioned 
bathroom body functions and I'd be willing to bet gave birth without 
bleeding or making a sound. I won't wonder aloud if she was a screamer 
or moaner with my grandfather...the shock of imagining that would give 
me gas.

When she died I was still kid enough to find it humorous when someone 
said that Granny had "passed". I heard that sometimes when people die 
the body lets out the stuff inside them. If that is true, she must have 
finally relaxed that sphincter and blown a hole right through the 
embalming room. Knowing her she probably had that wall rebuilding bill 
added onto her pre-paid final bill.

Nope. Can't say I know for certain that she never did, but I still wonder.

-- 

copyright R J Fernalld 2003
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It's never too late to have a happy childhood.