TheBanyanTree: Down onna Farm - 21-07-03

[Woofie]

Howdy Woof's Victims,

  WARNING!! This post contains b*stiality and other nasty S*exual
  content, wot will really b*gger up yer content filters of yer email
  servers, as well as causin the delicate ears of kiddies and
  sensitive adults ter burn.


  Whenever things gits too unbearable (and even when things is good)
  KK and me leaves the world and goes down ter visit our fellas orn
  their farm. Our fellas (DG and Pup) have a lovely farm wid all sorts
  of critters on it, down inna SW of Wozland.

  Things has been absolutely turrible fer KK lately, thru no fault of
  her own...she is jes bein crapped orn by nasty sub human critters
  from very great heights. Now..I doan want youse ter think that KK is
  one of them helpless lil, whining, filly types...she ain't..she is
  tough...and I tell youse...yer doan mess wid the KK..not iffen yer
  has any nous. Unfortunately, the critters wot is crappin orn her
  from great heights is not actually renowned fer their
  umm...intellechool acumen. Youse sees..all yer has ter do fer the KK
  is provide her wid some good quality ammo and let her go in wid all
  guns firing...her aim is spectacularly good..

  One stupid critter fell from his lofty height terday after KK took a
  shot at him...he is now runnin around clutchin hisself and squeakin
  inna falsetto voice...and this was jes round one of KK's battle plan:))

  Anyhows, we arrived down onna farm orn friday wid a very battered
  and bruised KK, but by the time we left yesserday, it was a very
  invigorated and cheerful and ready-to-do-battle KK wot had emerged
  from the chrysalis ...can't say the same fer the fellas...hmm..they
  doan make fellas like they used ter...hadda stick one of em in bed
  afore we left and the other one was teeterin orn his pins and about
  ter collapse..I think us fillies is too much fer them fellas!!

  I gotta tell youse about this farm...it ain't a normal farm like
  other farms...it is sort of weird...cuz alla critters is weird..it
  doan matter wot new critters the fellas git, they allus ends up
  weird critters. The first time we visited, the fellas had inherited
  a mob of bantams..and there was more roosters than hens and the
  bantams used ter spend 24 hours a day running raids on the hens and
  pack rapin them....you ain't never seen nuffink like this...there
  would be road runner type charges right round the house paddock,
  every coupla minnits by these crazed roosters and dust and feathers
  would fly everywhere!!

  The fellas solved the pack rapin bantam rooster problem, by choppin
  orf a few heads. Then there was the fox problem and the rifle wot
  jammed..but we woan go into that...let's jes say that the fellas
  prolly need some training from the Woof orn how ter shoot
  straight:))

  This weekend we was witness ter even weirder thingies....

  Fust of all there was the gang bangin billy goats..a pore ole doe,
  who was silly enough ter come into season, all by her ownself, hadda
  be rescued from a mob of crazed billy goats wid their tongues hangin
  out (I am NOT exaggeratin about the tongues!!!) afore they killed
  her...they kept fightin over her..literally like..and jes about
  butted and kicked her ter death.

  But that's not all folks.....

  Because of the fox problem and the fact that the rifle tends ter jam
  at inopportune moments (their excuse!) they gort emselfs a alpaca
  (they are them funny lookin critters wot looks like llamas wid their
  legs cut orf). Alpacas is sposed ter be good at chasin orf foxes and
  other predators...bein smart fellas, they asked fer a alpaca wot had
   been desexed soze he would't git all frustrated....anyways...a
   while after gittin him, they shore him and found out he was
   intacto...ie he hadda fine set of them ball thingies...not only
   that, he was gittin awful frustrated....now..there ain't no female
   alpacas onna farm fer the pore lad, but necessity bein the mother
   of invention, he noticed that there was lots of does and does doan
   look too much different ter alpacas..specially iffen they is hairy
   ones..in fact he is fixated orn anything hairy so hairy fellas or
   fillies wid long hair is atta disadvantage...but I digress (doan
   worry I kept me hair tied up!!)

   Being frustrated as well as weird, this alpaca critter doan seem
   ter care iffen the does is in heat or not..they is all fair
   game....but worse..they can't get away from him iffen he gits the
   urge, cuz alpacas, bein seriously weird critters, allus does the
   evil act sittin down...so the pore does, wot is also forced ter
   err..sit down, can't git up, so they is stuck there at his
   pleasure..and his pleasure, folks, goes orn fer nearly half an hour
   each time!

   Then there is Loki, the pedophiliac dawg, who fancies kids (baby
   goats), but I doan think we will go there either..there is only so
   much sexual perversion that the human mind can accept...hmm..pore
   ole KK has prolly had ter accept more than most...yer sees when she
   bought her house, she was rather intrigued by the fact that the
   bedrooms had black carpets and other strange fittings and that the
   bathroom wallpaper was pics of nekkid leddies..she thot she had
   bought some weird bachelor's pad...but intrigued, she enquired into
   the history of her house....wait fer it...

   It was a brothel afore she bought it!!!

   But..back to more acceptable topics...

   When KK is mad about summat, she likes ter release her frustrations
   in fizzical work..by the end of the weekend, the back yard of the
   fellas' place, wot had been a impenetratable jungle, was stripped
   bare and a giant bonfire had been created fer burning...the bonfire
   makins was so tall and huge, that alla goats was fascinated and
   kept tryin ter climb it..unfortunately, cuz it was so wet, the
   bonfire would not light (I did have hopes of a  bit of
   barbecued dumb goat) so we has ter wait a while till we can light
   it..we also has ter make up a effigy of our most hated heavy ter
   stick onna top afore we lights it, too:)

   Besides the bonfire and the bare backyard, there was also 2 totally
   buggered forks and a broken shovel...problem was that while KK was
   goin beserk inna backyard wid all them implements she was imagining
   she was choppin up the body of the Garden Gnome, whom we all hate
   and who is the font of all her troubles.

   Being the brains of the team, my fizzical work was limited to
   pruning alla roses and advising the placement of roses in new bed
   and alla cooking fer the workers..as I loves both pruning and
   cookin, this was no hardship.

   The biggest talkin topic of the weekend was snorin and other
   disgustin nocturnal habits. KK tells me I allus talks in me sleep,
   but I doan say anyfink real innerestin or revealin wot she can use
   fer blackmail...that is all BS..cuz I knows I doan talk in me sleep
   or nuffink!! I knows I doan talk in me sleep cuz I doan ever git no
   sleep cuz she snores all night!! Bein a kiwi, she can't even snore
   properly..she has the weirdest snore I has ever heard!!!

   Anyways, this argument between KK and me started orf an argument
   between the fellas. DG (typical male) insists he never snores and
   that the Pup allus does. Well folks..I is here as a witness...DG
   snores like a bloody steam train wid rusty pistons..or wotever
   steam trains has!!

   There was Pup and me havin a serious discussion and solvin alla
   world problems, whilst DG and KK had gorn ter bed (wimps!). We
   didn't solve alla world problems, cuz we couldn't make ourselfs
   heard over DG's stertorian emissions!!

   "B*gger this!!" I roars ter Pup, "I will fix him!!"

   I stomps into DG's bedroom and belts the only bit of his anatomy
   wot I can find...it happened ter be his butt, cuz he is a scraggy
   lil bleeder and his butt ain't much better, but at least it
   provided a thwapping target. I hadda go in and repeat this three
   times afore I gort him ter shaddap..on the third sortie, I yells at
   him..

   "WAKE UP AND GO TER SLEEP!!!"

   He leaps up inna air and screams, "Waaah waah wooooh!"

   But it did the trick, folks and suddenly, blessed silence reigned.

   But..a few minutes later, some odd grunting noises were emitted
   from DG's bedroom...then some thumps....I started sweating..had I
   done him a injury? Suddenly the weirdest apparition emerged from
   the bedroom...it was hunched over like a crab wid a hump and it
   took two steps forward fer 4 steps sideways...it lurched, folks..it
   really lurched, as it staggered its way, grunting and moaning ter
   the bathroom. The creature emerged from the bathroom a few minutes
   later..still hunched and still makin these two odd steps forward
   and four steps sideways..its eyes was glazed and bloodshot and
   though Pup and me was sittin there in full view, it stared right
   thru us and made its way unsteadily back to its bed....but at least
   it was silent from then on:)

   This demonstrates that snoring can be cured, folks....dunno about
   curin folks' fantasies about other folks' talkin in their sleep,
   but!


-- 
Best regards,
 Woofie                          mailto:woofie at woofess.com


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"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02
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Website: http://www.woofess.com
Photos: http://public.fotki.com/woofie/