TheBanyanTree: Snow Blitzed - 5-07-03

[Woofie]

Howdy Woof's Victims,

  The Woof has been back in Wozland fer almost a week....most
  reluctantly too...would rather be makin snowmen and sockin Miz HM
  inna chops wid snowballs (she is still complaining that I left a
  bruise on her dial wid one snowball I hurled at her).

  Snow is the most beautiful invention ever...freshly fallen snow is
  the most incredibly brilliant and pristine white, which stuns the
  senses...it is like powdery silk when you touch it..you can't
  imagine it iffen you ain't seen it first hand..pics and films can
  never do it justice. Folks that have ter put up wid snow every
  winter can never unnerstand us snow-challenged folks' love of it. I
  do wish the Spouse would be less of a wussy Wozlander, who complains
  when the temp is less than his optimal 80 degs Fairyheight...cuz
  then I could drag him ter live where yer gits real seasons and yer
  can actually grow a garden of real flowers wot is not dried
  parchment ones..and where yer can see real snow in Winter:))))

  Hmm..not only is I in trouble fer me superior snowball hurling, I is
  also in deep doo doo over destroying Miz HM's "trees". You know them
  cardboard, pine tree shaped car deodorant thingies? Miz HM has made
  a collection of em...instead of chuckin em out when they has lost
  their sniff, she jes adds another one ter this great tangled hanging
  mass of em. She had em hangin orf the rear vision mirror and there
  was so many of them that they obscured yer vision. Whilst drivin her
  car onna Hume Highway one day and fightin fer me life wid a nasty,
  psychopathic semi trailer (the Hume Highway is famous fer
  psychopathic truck drivers, who take great delight in squishing cars
  onna road), I pulled em down soze I could actually see the road. I
  was gonna stick em all back tergether and hang em up afore she
  noticed...but alas she noticed first and then accused me of chuckin
  half of them out, whilst scrabbling around onna floor of her car
  lookin fer em. I am quite innocent of that charge, but she doan
  believe me.

  Anyhows, I must make amends, soze iffen yers all can save yer dangly
  tree deodorant thingies instead of tossin em and send em to me...I
  will make her a giant hanging mobile of the bloody things!!!

  Anyways, back in Perth and after having successfully restrained Miz
  HM from ambushing and then abusing some pore benighted bus driver,
  who jes happened ter be pouring out black smoke from his diesel
  engine alla way back ter Canberra from the mountains....yeah...I
  tell yer folks..do not mess wid the Miz HM...she is homicidal when
  her ire is raised..and folks pollutin her atmosphere wid black
  diesel smoke is enough ter send her quite dangerously postal and she
  doan repress her urges..I can tell yers!!

  Yeah..now where was I? Yeah..back in Perth...yeah..gort back ter be
  greeted by the joyous news that the garden gnome (our esteemed
  leader at work) had whacked a few more of his hard working subjects.
  This all came about cuz, very unfortunately, the garden gnome was
  apprised of the fact that his contempory in Tasmania earned more
  than him. This was a shocking state of affairs, folks! Not only is
  Tasmania some weird lil island wot is not even fizzicly part of
  Orstralia, but it is inhabited by inbred hillbillies. Heck..they
  haven't even invented flushing dunnies in Tasmania yet! Worse, them
  Tasmanians doan even acknowledge they are part of Orstralia and
  refer ter Australians, very degradingly, as mainlanders. Even
  worser, the size of Tasmania is a fly speck compared to the land
  mass of Wozland!! How dare the garden gnome's Tasmanian equal earn
  more than him!!!

  At least the garden gnome was up front with us..he told us he was
  not happy with his or his heavies' salaries and that he was holding
  a review soze they could get higher pay. Well, as yers all know, the
  only way yer can git a higher salary when yer has a fixed amount of
  funding, is ter save some money somewheres..and how better ter save
  money than ter whack a few of yer employees...their salaries can
  then be added to your pay packet!

  So I returned ter Wozland ter find a few of me mates had been
  whacked in me absence...including one of our best workers at
  work...me bestest mate, KK ( the ex cannibal from KiwiLand). The
  fact that the most essential part of the office will not function
  without her, seems ter have escaped the garden gnome's notice or
  comprehension, but then, he has no nose ter speak of anymore as he
  keeps cuttin orf bits of it ter spite his face..think he is prolly
  now left wid two flat holes in the middle of his dial!

  Besides the snoutless garden gnome, the only other person who is not
  totally shocked, angered, upset and worried over this whacking, is
  the KK herself. Not that she needs to worry, cuz wid her work ethic
  and skills, she can find a job anywheres she likes:)) No..it is the
  rest of us, who will suffer her loss:(

  And there is one bright ray of sunshine...the snoutless garden gnome
  will be able ter thumb his nose at his Tasmanian counterpart next
  time they meets:))...OOPS!!

  I fergort..he ain't gort no more nose ter thumb..cripes..wot a
  dilemma..someone should fashion him a plaster substitute:))



-- 
Best regards,
 Woofie                          mailto:woofie at woofess.com


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"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02
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Website: http://www.woofess.com
Photos: http://public.fotki.com/woofie/