TheBanyanTree: Helpful information rides again

[Peter Macinnis]

hasta la vista. A Spanish phrase meaning 'hurry up and look at this view',
used generally with things unlikely to last, like sunsets, rainbows, and
honest politicians.

Hathaway, Anne. Left his 'second-best bed' by William Shakespeare, she was
usually linked with him, as evidenced by the folk saying, 'where there's a
Will, Anne Hathaway'. This suggests that she may have been required to
share bed and bard.

hawthorn effect. An observation was made in 1929 to the effect that factory
workers became a great deal more productive when they were beaten regularly
with small bundles of hawthorn twigs. This is now done under deep hypnosis,
so staff are less aware of the humiliation involved, and the treatments are
referred to in the literature of industrial psychology under the code-name
'Hawthorne'. Without the existence of the effect, our industrial society
would long ago have ground to a halt, but research is continuing into ways
of reducing the amount of time workers spend, looking in puzzlement at the
wounds and scars on their backs.

hearse. Generally a black vehicle which inspires great solemnity. When
painted fire engine red and decorated with Hellish flames, this kind of
vehicle can cause great anger among the bereaved, making it a hearse of a
different choler.

heat death of the Universe. A chilling tragedy.

heavy water. An example of a technical tautology, as anybody who has ever
tried to light water can attest.

Hegel. In all probability, the only philosopher about whom no joke has ever
been attempted. Many explanations of this phenomenon have been attempted,
but none has ever been successful.

Heldenleben, Ein. The German for a hug ('held in love'), and the subject of
one of Richard Strauss' tone poems. It was a hug success.

Helen of Troy. An amazingly fat woman, much fought over in the Trojan Wars,
also known as 'the face that lunched a thousand chips'. Her equally fat
husband was Many Layers.

helices. The plural of helix, and a necessary term to know, as helices come
in both 'right-handed' and 'left-handed' forms. A right-handed helix is one
which would require an ant walking up it to pass from your left to your
right as you watched. Most screws and threads are of this form, as is DNA.
It seems likely that if our DNA were left-handed, people would go around
the twist differently. On the other hand, perhaps they wouldn't.

Heraclitus. A Greek philosopher who argued successfully that you could not
bathe in the same river twice. Given the general levels of heavy metals in
Greek rivers at that time, this was probably just as well. To avoid being
contradicted, Heraclitus never bathed at all, and this is why the freshly
bathed Archimedes shouted 'Eureka' as he ran down the street, holding his
nose.

heresy. Any belief or belief system which is held by a minority group whose
loss of power or total destruction would contribute materially to the
welfare of those currently in power.

heritage building. An inherently ugly structure, generally unsuited to any
existing or surviving function, which was inadvertently left standing long
enough for people to become nostalgic about the style. Heritage buildings
are generally least of all suited to being the shells of museums, but that
is what they usually become, to the detriment of the objects and activities
which are contained therein. Many of them are used as museums of design,
where one would expect, above all, to see purpose-built buildings. Or maybe
you wouldn't.

herring. What deaf fishermen are hard of.

Herschel, Caroline. Originally trained as a singer by her musician brother.
He trained her to sing by gagging her and requiring her to sing the violin
parts of concerti. She later became a famous astronomer and comet
discoverer, switching from human bondage to Herman Bondiage. It seems a
pity that modern singers are not trained in this way, or even left that
way. Then the deaf fishermen could take the chewing gum out of their ears.

Hertzsprung-Russell diagram. A device used by existentialists to show the
inter-connectedness of red dwarfs, black holes, green giants and blue
gremlins. Hertzsprung refers to the frequency (in Hz) of the springs on
which the diagram board is mounted, while Russell is the name of the
gremlin. Diagram is the name of the medication that Russell has to take, in
order to render the pictures accurately.

heterocyclic compound. A term used to describe a yard used exclusively for
the storage of penny-farthing bicycles, no longer in common use.

hexameter. A device used to measure the heads of certain types of bolts.

hierarchy. A priestly class whose role in life is to study hieroglyphics.
Many social commentators believe that doctors practise bad hand-writing, in
the hope of breaking into the hierarchy.

hierophant. Any rented pachyderm, but especially a female Indian elephant
in the Hindu Kush area.

highly strung. A Cabbalistic term, used in secret ritual to denote the
Tarot card known to non-initiates as the Hanged Man. This usage has now
been suspended, as no noose is good noose. Among kerns and gallowglasses,
this is known as an Irish choke.

hirsute. Female apparel.

histogram. A unit of mass used by hypothetical futurological historians.
The smallest amount of evidence which will, if placed in the pan at the
right time, change the balance of future events.

history. The currently accepted set of fictions.


  _--|\    Peter Macinnis             macinnis at ozemail.com.au
 /     \   Feral wordsmith on the right side of Oz at Manly
 \.--._* <-NSW, where they also surf who only stand and wade
      v    http://members.ozemail.com.au/~macinnis/index.htm